4The Call Girl Daughter
A man is sent out of town for business on the company dime. Upon arrival he wastes no time and gets right to business. And by business we mean, of course, "whores."
As he carefully arranges his bondage gear and furry outfits, there is a knock on the door. His whore has arrived. He opens the door, boner at full strength, to discover the call girl is none other than his own daughter. Awkward Thanksgivings ensue for years after.
In 2002, an Israeli businessman was sent to a resort called Eilat for four days where presumably his company expected him to relax a bit, learn a few new tricks to apply back at the office and not try to pork his own daughter. Very likely that was in some manner of memo regarding what was acceptable behavior during his time away, wedged between "no gambling" and "no filling your ass with firecrackers."
"Do I care if she's my daughter? Uh, if you can at all avoid it, that'd be best, but don't go crazy."
Unable to control his insatiable need to bone, the man ordered a call girl on his first night there. Sure enough, the woman that was sent to his room just happened to be his little girl.
Who's your daddy? Oh... right.
The man in question suffered a minor heart attack upon seeing his daughter there, either from anguish or from the rush of blood caused by the history's fastest wilting boner. After taking a few moments to collect themselves, we assume they shared an awkward hug and the man left for home.
Likely perplexed about the best way to deal with the situation, he opted to ignore our "drink away the memories" advice and instead told his wife everything. She then vowed to not only find a better occupation for her daughter--which is arguably anything since very few occupations these days result in sex with your dad outside of some Wal-Marts in the South--but also to divorce the man.
3The Orgasm Pill
The future is here! Why go through the time and expense of old-fashioned masturbation when you can get a prescription for a pill that will give you an instant orgasm!
Remember those old ads in comic books that promised a somewhat perverse world of X-ray specs, rabies-riddled raccoons and abundant facial hair? Deep down you knew that those wonderful products were too good to be true, but there was enough hope to convince you to invest. That is the exact feeling 99 percent of everyone gets when they hear about a supposed wonder drug that delivers an orgasm to its user.
Like a less disgusting Ron Jeremy. Also easier to swallow.
An anti-depressant in use since the 60s, this little pill has the sexual prowess of most NBA superstars but with less VD and paternity disputes. It also causes weight gain, nausea and, oddly enough, impotence in men; but even a fat, nauseous dude with a limp noodle has to be pretty stoked if he's having spontaneous orgasms.
And, sure enough, around one in 20 people that take the pill will get off whenever they yawn. Why yawning? Why not?
Lest you go thinking it's time to pop a few of these, put on a Renee Zellwegger movie and bore your way to sexual paradise, keep in mind that while five percent of people experience orgasms, most of the other 95 percent have the exact opposite reaction. But, damnit, we have to try.