Any trip to the doctor's office involves a fairly straightforward trade off: you hand over your personal safety to the guy who went to school for eight years, and they fix something that you wouldn't have the first clue how to do yourself. But as in every profession, some doctors are better than others, and even good doctors have bad days.
And then, there are those doctors who go out of their way to find creative ways to make the world a terrifying place.
#6. "Sir, I'm afraid we inadvertently obliterated your penis."
A patient named William Morrison underwent a screening that required his penis be washed in a solution of three to five percent acetic acid. Sure, just typing the words "acid" and "penis" in the same sentence makes us cringe. But that doesn't mean anything could possibly go wrong there, right? Hell, a three to five percent solution probably feels kind of tingly and refreshing, like when you wash your sack in a bowl of ginger ale.
When it came time actually wash his wang, however, Mr. Morrison got a 72 percent solution, which is a little more like having your dick immersed in a piranha's mouth, after it's been drinking 72 percent acid.
But that's a one-in-a-million scenario, right? Surely health care professionals normally take way more care when a man's dong is on the line.
Not in the case of Mexican doctor, Francisco Javier Valentin y Ortiz who, despite having a wicked matador name, was not great with sharp objects, and cut off a patient's penis during a routine circumcision. We like to think Dr. Ortiz muttered "Oh geez," scratched his head then tried to put the severed penis into the patient's ballsack, kind of like a tulip in a vase, in the hopes the guy wouldn't notice.
But those two are cases are only runners up in the medical world's penis mutilation Olympics. Our gold medalist is Romanian doctor, Naum Ciomu. He separated himself from the pack when he was performing an operation to correct some poor dude's weird, bulgy nutsack. Due to the various stresses of being a guy who has to perform delicate surgeries on weird, bulgy nutsacks all day, he lost his shit and cut off the patient's dick with a scalpel, put it on the operating table and furiously hacked it into tiny pieces in front of the nursing staff. They were apparently too busy trying to think of a more succinct way to say "What the fuck is going on?" to stop him.
Ciomu said he had a temporary loss of judgment, due to some personal problems. You know, kind of like how you get really mad sometimes and punch a wall. It was like that, only he hacked a man's penis to confetti. He ended up having his license suspended and he was ordered to pay the patient 120,000 pounds while the patient got a shiny new non-functional wang made from arm skin.
Repairing the fender of a Ferrari. Equal value of a single dong.
#5. Sexual Healing
Mental health can be a tricky subject. For instance, if you see a psychiatrist, the first task is making sure they're not crazier than you are. One way to tell is if the psychiatrist, for instance, demands that you start calling them "mother."
Which brings us to Harvard Medical School psychiatrist, Margaret Bean-Bayog, whose last name is lesser known slang for burrito-induced Montezuma's revenge. She was treating a student at the school who came to her because he was feeling lonely. According to the good doctor, the patient had suffered severe childhood abuse and was now hooked on drugs and alcohol as well as dealing with overwhelming anxiety, rage and sociopathic tendencies. That was strange, because no previous doctor had managed to detect any of these things in the poor kid.
The course of treatment was exactly what you'd suspect given the young man's poor mental health: several thousand pages of sadomasochistic fantasies written by the doctor, and an extensive effort to brainwash him into believing he was a child and that the doctor was his mother.
The doctor wrote flash cards for her patient with instructions to read them 10 times a day until he believed them, chock full of important mental health slogans like "I'm your Mom and I love you and you love me very very much." Presumably other cards read "Fill you anus with applesauce and learn kung fu" and "Every episode of House follows the same pattern... because of Jews."
Because of Jews.
Hey, did we mention that the rest of her medical advice amounted to "let me use your boner like a carnival ride"?
The patient's family filed suit against the doctor after the patient killed himself. And while the doctor conceded her treatment was "unconventional," she denied she did anything wrong. Presumably she then shat in a coffee cup and accused it of spying on her.
#4. Vagina Reconstruction, of the Involuntary Variety
If a doctor ever promises to turn you and others into "horny little mice," you should probably just go home and take some Tylenol instead of spending any additional time with him. However, it seems a lot of people turned a blind eye to Dr. James Burt for a number of years, allowing him to perform reconstructive surgery on women's vaginas--which probably sounds like a perfectly normal thing for a doctor to do... until you realize the women didn't ask him to do it.
Burt even wrote a book called The Surgery of Love, in 1975, about the operations he performed on many women--without their consent. He was at least thoughtful enough to do it after the birth of children so he could explain away the stitches as a result of the delivery.
While he had them on the table he would tinker around with their anatomy, removing some things, even repositioning the vagina, urethra and alter the walls between the vagina and rectum in order to "increase sexual responsiveness." Again, why no one stopped him while he was cutting and probably muttering things like, "you're welcome, Mommy" is anyone's guess. Apparently if you're wearing surgical scrubs everybody just assumes you're on the level.
More often than not, the unwanted surgeries caused extensive damages and required additional surgeries to correct the problems. Twelve malpractice suits against the doctor were dropped over the years when other doctors he worked with refused to testify against him, presumably convincing the man his Frankenvaginas were totally kosher.
It's claimed he performed the procedure on around 2,000 women and when the Ohio State Medical Board finally caught up with him, they made him voluntarily surrender his license , a punishment which is known in legal circles as "bullshit."