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7 Ridiculously Over-The-Top Modifications to Deadly Weapons

If we know our audience, most of you are armed right now.

And at some point you'll be sitting in your armory, drunk off your ass, sorting through your various weapons of death and thinking, "You know, I should really combine some of these to make one super weapon."

Well, you're not the only one. That's how we wound up with...

#7.
The Chainsaw Bayonet

Starts With:

The AR-15, an assault rifle which apparently just isn't good enough on its own.

Becomes Ridiculous By:

Attaching a fucking chainsaw to the barrel. In theory, this provides the AR-15 with a viable melee option in the event that every round in the magazine has missed its intended target. Cracked feels at that point, the chainsaw might as well be an enchurrito.


"This is a very good idea!"

To try to prove us wrong, the creator has posted his weapon on YouTube:

Yeah, it should be noted that while the chainsaw bayonet seems to be ideal for dispatching a band of marauding pumpkins, it would probably not fare as well against enemies that can move and/or shoot back.

Really Will Only Be Used By:

Gears of War nerds trying to carve FENIX into the side of their mom's hatchback after pulling an all-nighter drinking Mountain Dew game-fuel out of their collectible Halo 3 Slurpee cups.

#6.
The Wasp Knife Air-Shooting Knife

Starts With:

A nice, sharp diving knife, designed for hate-killing the living shit out of octopi, sharks, other divers, Snorks and Ursula the Sea Witch.

Becomes Ridiculous By:

Adding a gas canister in the handle to inject a basketball-sized wad of freezing cold gas out of the blade, and directly into the object of your stabbing aggression. It's labor-saving technology!

The knife's official website cites many practical applications for the gas-inflation technology, such as floating carcasses to the surface to avoid attracting more predators and punishing disobedient children in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.


Also, if you hate watermelons, you can stab AND blow it up. Finally.

What the website doesn't explain is why anyone would shell out $400 for what amounts to a pointy can of Dust-Off, unless the army finally read all those letters we sent them and are preparing to fight the greatest threat our nation has yet faced: terrorist sharks.

Really Will Only Be Used By:

James Bond. In Live and Let Die, Bond dispatched Kananga with a shark-gun pellet to the face, inflating him like a balloon until he exploded. We imagine MI6 buys this Wasp Knife shit by the gross.

#5.
The TAC-15 Machine Gun/Crossbow

Starts With:

The crossbow, favored weapon of Wookiees and Renaissance Faire nerds everywhere.

Becomes Ridiculous By:

Not being a standalone crossbow. The TAC-15 is designed as an "upper" attachment for the AR-15, a space generally reserved for the portion of the gun that fires bullets.

It appears that the AR-15 is kind of the gun-dweeb's version of Linux: All kinds of modifications can be made to it, but most of them make about as much sense as tying your dick to a roller skate. The AR-15 also happens to be a semi-automatic rifle, which, by the way, is what we invented specifically so we wouldn't have to use crossbows any more.


It's like this, but for weapons.

The website for the TAC-15 offers no logical reason to put the crossbow on top of an assault rifle body, and the best we can come up with is if you also strap a laser or railgun underneath it you'll be set to do battle wherever your time machine lands you.

Really Will Only Be Used By:

NRA members who also enjoy RenFair.

Note that if cheating at Civil War reenactments is your thing, please see the combination AR-15/black powder musket.

#4.
The AA-12 Fully Automatic Shotgun

Starts With:

The ever-reliable shotgun.

Become Ridiculous By:

Making that shotgun fully automatic and adding fucking grenades.

Yes, the AA-12 is fully automatic, capable of firing 300 rounds per minute, and yes, those rounds can be super-sized to grenades. Military Police Systems, who owns the patent on the AA-12--hereafter known as "GigaShotgun"--has been trying to sell the weapon to various militaries for 18 years without much success, presumably due to the divisive nature of their slogan "You can never have too much shotgun."

Apparently even the most militant dictator realizes that should the need to buckshot five people a second arise, an emergency escape submarine would probably be a better investment.

Really Will Only Be Used By:

Currently there is but one user of the AA-12: the HAMMER Remotely-Operated Weapons System, which is a completely autonomous robot designed to be attached to either unmanned ground or aerial vehicles. In other words, it gets driven around by other robots. This puts us roughly one coffee-spilling intern away from the wrath of an unstoppable death machine.

Sleep tight.

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