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The 8 Shittiest Transformer Disguises

#4.
Rippersnapper

Rippersnapper turned into a shark, and if that didn't make him the Decepticon Definition of Bad Ass Metal Teethy Death, the creators decided to bless him with arms and legs, which theoretically would make him unstoppable. Until, of course, a designer looked at him and said "No no no, I don't want him to have cool arms. Give him some gay, little T-Rex baby arms. Yeah. Fuck this robot."

Rippersnapper would have been formidable enough as a robotic shark, but by giving him arms and legs, he was doomed to wander the land. And by making those arms and legs unapologetically shitty, he was doomed to do so looking like a total idiot.

Where he Would be Disguised:

In some kind of freak show petting zoo with three-eyed fish, one-legged frogs and any other abominations designed by a thoughtless creator.
#3.
Nosecone

Nosecone could transform into a Cybertronian drill-tank. You may notice that "cybertronian" and "drill-tank" aren't Earth words, in which case well done, you're twice as good at disguise as Nosecone was.

He had a tendency to "hide" by simply drilling underground, which you'll notice isn't technically camouflage, thereby altering famous Transformers "Robots In Disguise!" tagline to the simpler and lamer "Robots Somewhere Else!"

Where he Would be Disguised:

He could maybe paint the number "4" on his side and hide in a Thunderbirds episode.

#2.
Swoop

All the Dinobots qualify for this one: They're "disguised" as extinct species except able to talk, painted red and yellow, and just in case you're a colorblind deaf-mute who doesn't understand which direction time goes, they're made of metal. In fact, these are the only Transformers who couldn't even fit in back on their home planet of Cybertron, since it never had animals - so they're not just badly-disguised, they're actually anti-disguised even on a world where giant robots are normal.


"Beep Boop, Squawk, dinosaur noises, nothing to see here."

Swoop is the worst: at least the others get some advantages from their complicated genesis (a marketing executive thinking "What else do nine-year-old boys like?"). In a war that always degenerates into fist fights, despite everyone owning or in fact being energy weapons, T-Rex, Stegosaur and Triceratops are the top things on the "Useful things to be" list. Turning into a clumsy and medically retarded animal when the enemy consists almost entirely of F-15s? That makes his transformation a total triple-changer of suck: he can't fit in on Earth, or at home, and gets deservedly beaten on both.

Where he Would be Disguised:

Swoop's best bet at disguise is to fly up and smash all the lights so no-one can see him. Oh, and everybody is inside. And sedated.

#1.
Sky Lynx

Sky Lynx: plastic-molded proof that while it's OK for Renaissance artists to use drugs for inspiration, toymakers should steer clear. He looks like a Space Shuttle that got pissed on absinthe and stumbled into a Mythical Greek orgy, on top of a nuclear reactor. His only possible camouflage option is passersby refusing to believe what they just saw.

You might ask "How can something turn into a space shuttle, an animal beast and a bird?" The only answer (apart from the counter-question "Why would you want to be a goddamn bird when you're already a space shuttle?") is to say "Space Shuttle, no problem, and a mumblemumble, got it." To say that Sky Lynx's other modes look like anything at all would be a horribly generous overstatement. In fact, Sky Lynx doesn't even have a robot mode, meaning he's the only Transformer EVER to fuck up both parts of "Robots in Disguise."


Robots in Sky Lynx!

Where he Could be Disguised:

If you ever find somewhere Sky Lynx would be adequately disguised, tell Lovecraft we said hello and please don't try to come back.

Before you go see Transformers 2, make sure you check out the original script Brockway got ahold of (Transformers 2: Michael Bay's Rejected Script) or find out why Megatron is the worst boss ever, in 5 Reasons Megatron Should Have Fired Starscream Years Ago.

And visit Cracked.com's Top Picks to see what we transform into when fighting the Decepticons (it's a dong).

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