The 6 Most Retarded Police Standoffs of All Time
|
#3.
SWAT vs. 60-Year-Old Santa
What happens when you're over 60, spend half your life as a respected police officer and decide to buy the poorer kids in your precinct some toys? You get attacked by a SWAT team. If that doesn't seem obvious to you, good job on not being the Grinch or working in the Boston Police Department.
Someone thought Police Captain Christine Michalosky's purchases of four shopping carts of cheap toys signaled dangerous instability, and that the sexagenarian might do something "desperate." Like what, Boston? Raise a tiny little army of Barbies? Also, your response to somebody maybe being upset is to make goddamn sure by deploying machine guns? We can only imagine the Boston suicide negotiator: "Jump, you pansy, I've got ten bucks says your head pops!"
And while we certainly don't want to generalize about life in Boston, when the concept of doing something nice is so alien to your city that it demands immediate armed response, you might want to get the fuck out of there. #2.
The (Surrendering) Republic of Texas
A group of over-armed confederetards called "The Republic of Texas" barricaded themselves in their embassy and, announcing that Texas was illegally annexed in 1845, claimed that the last century and a half simply didn't count. Congratulations if you guessed that the "embassy" was a trailer.
These living embodiments of everything wrong with the South declared that they would re-enact the Alamo, albeit a significantly smaller and stupider version (an Alamette?) rather than surrender. But when faced with actual professionals who obviously shot things other than beer cans, the Republic rebels promptly sobered the fuck up and surrendered. They did insist on it being described as "a Texas-wide cease fire," because when men with guns have to explain that your mobile home is not a country, preserving your dignity is important.
"Republic" leader Richard McLaren surrendered to police with 24 pipe bombs, 10 rifles, multiple pistols, hundreds of rounds of ammunition and wearing a goddamn cowboy hat, raising the serious possibility that he's a racist stereotype of Texans that somehow escaped into reality off of somebody's t-shirt. #1.
Ten Hour Stand-Off Outside Crack Dealer's Vagina
Hey, remember that porno where the guy in the police uniform confronts a chick and says, "Ma'am, we saw you with drugs. I'm going to have to search you," and she says, "I'm sorry, officer, but they're in my vagina"? Oh, wait, that wasn't a porno. It was a news story in the
The cops had busted the woman (a suspected drug dealer) when she had the ingenious idea of cramming the bag of crack up her crotch. The police took her to the hospital and, search warrant in hand, demanded staff retrieve the evidence for them. The staff refused, quoting regulations and lack of equipment. But we're pretty sure they just looked at a woman whose panic response was "fix problem by grabbing it and shoving it into my vagina" and didn't want to get within 10 feet without a HAZMAT team.The cops weren't happy, and even threatened to arrest one doctor for refusing to cooperate. Now, as a society we have very good reasons for not allowing officers to scream "FOR JUSTICE!" and jam their hands into any pelvis they want. We're also all for medical ethics. But it seems like when someone stuffs their genitals with narcotics, the violating has already been done. When the patient is such a crack-whore that she literally has a vagina full of crack, it's probably for her benefit as much as anyone's that you get that shit out of there.
The dealer eventually realized that the police weren't just going to let her go ("We would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for your meddling labia!") and handed over the crack, which we're assuming the police refused to handle with anything other than one of those remote-control bomb squad robots. For more insanity from the people who are supposed to be helping and protecting us, check out 5 Horrifying Tales Of 911 Incompetence and 7 Ridiculous Cases Where Animals Were Put On Trial. And check out Cracked's standoff with Internet vigilantes in our Top Picks section (it was Brockway's fault). |
|
|
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
FarkRecommended for Your Pleasure
-
5 Self-Destructive Ways People Accidentally Cured Themselves
by: Wes Park1,061,451 views -
6 Fake Foods You (Will Wish You Didn't) Have in Your Kitchen
by: Ian Fortey1,054,875 views -
6 Natural Disasters That Were Caused by Human Stupidity
by: Ben Dennison962,310 views -
17 More Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped
by: Joe Russo2,733,592 views
...Seriously, folks...
"Now, as a society we have very good reasons for not allowing officers to scream "FOR JUSTICE!" and jam their hands into any pelvis they want."
and
"But we're pretty sure they just looked at a woman whose panic response was "fix problem by grabbing it and shoving it into my vagina" and didn't want to get within 10 feet without a HAZMAT team."
NOW THATS DONGTACULAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the whole world is retarded
http://theworldisretarded.wordpress.com/
this article was worth reading simply for the use of the word 'confederetards.' AWESOME.
Traverse City, MI only makes it into the public eye for one of three things: THE CHERRY FESTIVAL, That two-part episode of Home Improvement where they went to the Sand Dunes (which are not in Traverse City), and ridiculous gun-battle stand offs with non-existent people.
I remember when this happened. School closed early due to proximity to the stand-off. Seriously.
"We would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for your meddling labia!"
Oh dear sweet god cracked I laughed so hard at that I started to get light headed. This article was dongtacular.
No....
Their not racial stereotypes,because,last I heard,Texans werent a race of people.
If anything,the republic of texas were a bunch of ethnic stereotypes.
wtf is with the scientology advert?
for one im surprised about this more then your libertas ads(they are f*****g crazy)
but seriously
what cynical people that read cracked and write for cracked would consider joining those loonies who kill their children (or let them die)!!
You missed off the incident where the Irish Police vs the Army had a shoot-out in the middle of the city, each believing the other to be terrorists!
Or do shoot-outs not count?
Welcome to Bollywoodhunts.com
Life becomes interesting when there is a possibility of a dream to come true. We are here to take care of your needs by clarity of vision & precise sense of direction with great optimism.
We are not biased by your physical appearance & the background you come from. All that is required is the zeal to move ahead in life & readiness to face the challenges with great enthusiasm.
Bollywoodhunts.com will act as a bridge between talents & film makers by introducing them to each other besides promoting them. Bollywoodhunts.com the "Database for Multi-Talent" provides a platform for artists & film makers to promote their talent & movies to audiences worldwide.
This will automatically lead us to the service of the film industry as well as the artist. Together, we can & we will build a structure that will serve as a successful landmark for the artists & film makers in the future.
Thanks,
Bollywoodhunts Team
info@bollywoodhunts.com
Anyone know who the sexy nurse is in #1 or what movie she's from?
Even though you are writing for humor and not for journalistic accuracy (yeah, right), at least you should take 30 seconds and bother to put someone's name into Google. Police Captain Christine Michalosky, the "Santa" in #3, is NOT MALE. She's decidedly female, and according to Boston Herald columnist Jessica Van Sack in the Dec. 8 column “The Beat”, "Michalosky was one of the first women to don a Boston police uniform back in the 1970s".
So, as cute as the pictures you posted of the Jolly Old Elf were, you should have gone for pictures of his wife instead. I think the "pansy" comment was a little off, too. If she likes men, I think that's probably appropriate.
I liked this article.
But I can't believe you would run an add for Scientology on this site.
Receiving revenue from a relig... i mean corporation that has actually f*****g KILLED people strikes me as unethical.
Didnt you even run an article one time about "__ Unlikely celebrity Scientologists" or something?
Anyone read about the standoff between the plainclothes police officers and the undercover military intelligence officers in ireland?
Darwin awards, Military intelligence:uninformed men
"That would, in fact, be an SKS and NOT an AK-47."
P.S. I masturbate to Kim du Toit columns and am currently not wearing any pants. BE WARNED.
Except they probably didn't think to misspell "precedent." Point: Dobolina!
I'm glad to see Boston had some precent for the "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" fiasco.
Oh wait, I'm not. That's f*****g retarded.
Someone else has already made this exact comment, right?
Wow, lots of people sure know their guns! To be able to differentiate between two types of them is SO awesome. I'm jealous.
The phantom time traveler is a f****n nob-jockey
More on Weird World
-
7 Secrets Only Two Living People Know (For Some Reason)
1,485,750 views -
The 15 Most Shameless Fake Photos Ever Passed Off as Real
1,172,644 views -
6 Creepy Urban Legends That Happen to be True (Part 3!)
1,068,510 views -
The 6 Creepiest Places on Earth
1,065,453 views
-
The Men Who Stare At Goats: New Trailer
by: CRACKED21,505 views -
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
by: Tremendosaur68,125 views
-
Articles
-
Videos
-
Columnists
-
More Cracked
-
About
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
That was really God damned funny! Well done Sir!