6 Hilarious Old-Timey Versions of Modern Vices The 5 Worst Things About Getting a Job in a Small Town The 6 Most Undeserving Lottery Winners in History

The Cracked Round-Up: Now With VD!

What's that uncomfortable itching sensation? Why, it's the coming of another glorious Cracked Round-Up! Squeeze out your special creams and rub vigorously, it's time for CRACKED!


The week began with a PowerPoint presentation designed by Kiefer Sutherland, and leaked to the world by Chris Bucholz. Next, Brockway revealed the deep criminal history of the Cracked.com staff, while Swaim made fun of a delirious old man's only manner of employment. Seanbaby followed up with the horrible sins of the Nintendo corporation. Dan O'Brien finished the week up with an attack on that self-righteous child-murderer-by-proxy Jenny McCarthy. Also, Gladstone did some stuff.



CAME WHIFFLING THROUGH THE TULGEY WOOD, AND BURBLED AS IT CAME!
5 Terrifying Bastardizations of the Wikipedia Model.
Once again, David Wong makes lesser writers weep with envy and female readers quiver with desire.


Notable Comment: "Conservapedia is just about the most ridiculous thing on the net these days. My record for getting permanently banned there is thirty seconds, for correcting someone's spelling." Onlee lieburals car aboat spellling, Bjkatcher.



HORSEPUCKLE!
6 Movies Based on a True Story (That Are Also Full of Shit)
We've said it before and we'll say it again; everything in the whole world is a lie.


Notable Comment:"you forgot to mention that half of the kids from the team that Hoosiers was "based on" eventually committed suicide" Thanks, PalinIsNotAMILF, that wasn't at all depressing to learn.



JIGGY HIGGY WIGGY
6 Awful Hip Hop Slang Terms (That Are Way Older Than Rap)
Cracked.com: Making Slang More Confusing Since 1958.


Notable Comment:"Down here in Australia, "fo shizzle mah nizzle" is as common as G'day" Redjimmy, we didn't need any more reasons to never want to visit Australia. The thousands of poisonous spiders and snakes and kangaroos was enough already.



POO-GAS!
6 Ways They're Turning Random Crap into Alternative Energy.
This is what environmentalism leads to, people. Poop recycling and ravenous bacteria.


Notable Comment: Dondadon asks, "but what happens if we use up the entire moon?" Simple, we'll just use our back-up moon.



FRANCISCO!
5 Pieces of Junk that Turned Out to be Invaluable Artifacts.
It's like the antiques roadshow, but with words. And dick jokes..


Notable Comment: "The Legend of Zelda is awesome. I guess its only in Hyrule where they keep money in clay jars because my neighbors jars dont ever have anything in them. But i like smashing things so its win win" Villain87 has the right idea about video games, and the right idea about life.





Rigor Tortoise!
Broken Spell Check Theater!
COMEDTY!


YOU YOU YOU!
22 Awesome Ways to Quit Your Job.
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Famous Pictures, Minus Pants.



Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

5.14.09:

Michael Bay's first attempt at a romantic comedy
by michaeldrew

Editor's pick:

Ok, so the paper mache time machine had a few glitches.
by JCarlton

5.13.09:

This cock blocks.
by Plan B

Editor's pick:

What signs do we look for when crossing the street, children? That's right! "Walk," "Don't Walk," and "Don't Run Crotch-First Into Pointy Things."
by jessen

5.12.09:

If you cut him in half and count his rings, you can see how many years he's been a virgin.
by slickjamesjik

Editor's pick:

The forest is strong with this one.
by GaseousClay

5.11.09:

This is why gingers have to wear sunscreen all the time
by pulpfriction

Editor's pick:

STOP TAKING PICTURES AND HELP ME!!!!!!
by Zaphod

5.10.09:

Michael Jackson's petting zoo.
by racedogg2

Editor's pick:

David Blaine's kids always dreaded Take Your Kids to Work Day.
by geniuswaitress

5.9.09:

CSI: Muppets
by RyanPalmz

Editor's pick:

The Build-A-Frog workshop is much more graphic than the Build-A-Bear.
by Blinker_Fluid

5.8.09:

This is KENTUCKY!
by mrpeabody

Editor's pick:

Cocks hate trojans.
by Piercewise1

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