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Cracked > Life: A Round-Up.

By CRACKED Staff May 9, 2009 22,749 views
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Alright, ladies, Cracked is calling you out. We don't want a bunch of lilly-livered pink pansies representing our demographic, so we're issuing a challenge. The first Cracked reader to bring us the head of Frank Langella will win fame, fortune, and a fourteen character blurb under Daniel O'Brien's column at an undisclosed date sometime between now, and March of 2027.


Michael Swaim earns his degree in fearmongering this week, with an article about the coming obsolescence of mankind. Bucholz keeps moods low and tempers high with his vitriolic rant against the line at KFC. Seanbaby makes us all feel a little better by talking about grown men beating the shit out of each other, while Daniel O'Brien hallucinates about Star Trek.



Freak Out!
7 Clearly Fake News Stories That Fooled The Mainstream Media
This would be funnier if it wasn't so sad. It's hilaritragic.


Notable Comment: "I like how half the commenters are debating Fox news while the other half debate how many midgets it would take to kill a lion. That's cracked right there."

Thanks, Paymenomind, that's beautiful.



ENGAGE AHOY!
Instruction Manuals for the USS Enterprise.
Only Cracked is bold enough to point out the plot holes and scientific inaccuracies in a television show from thirty years ago.


Notable Comment:"My favorite part of the article was when I scrolled past the final picture, there was an add for PlentyOfFish asking "Are you Single?" It's almost as if they're implying something about Star Trek fans... " Skyman299, no one was implying anything.



AWFUL SAUSAGES
10 Popular Porn Scenarios That Seem Highly Implausible.
Pornography is the opiate of the masses, but even opium can have an implausible premise. We're not sure what we were trying say here..


Notable Comment:"I scream! You scream! We all scream for pre-teen!" CodyCastor; Advocate for Ephebophilia.



FORESKIN FOREHEAD
Star Trek's 6 Most Ridiculous Alien Races
We don't care what this article says. The most implausible thing in the Star Trek series is the existence of someone as simultaneously sexy and dashing as Captain Picard.


Notable Comment: "Wow is Cracked getting paid for all this Star Trek promotion they're doing? It's getting almost obscene." Shit, drew081886 is onto us.



WARRRRR
The 6 Greatest Battlefield Mindfucks.
This whole article makes us want to play some Dynasty Warriors.


Notable Comment: "There was a question which mentioned the Tet Offensive on an exam I took today... If I hadn't read this article this morning and had chosen to study for the exam like I should've, I would've gotten that question wrong... Just goes to show you that procrastination and laziness pay off... " Cracked: Better Than College.





BRANDON LI
The Easy Way To Make Your Cat Fun Again
No animals were harmed during the making of this film.


YOU YOU YOU!
15 Holidays They Need To Invent.
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Creative Ways to Quit Your Job.



Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

5.7.09:

Still better than the second movie.
by racedogg2

Editor's pick:

We tell our children we're at a swingers party.
by orphan

5.6.09:

My other car is my mom's.
by Piercewise1

Editor's pick:

This spacecycle has everything Star Trek lovers could ever need. "Where's the bitch seat?" As I said before, this spacecycle has everything...
by BrockSpady

5.5.09:

The earlier, less evolved t-rex's were the first of the dinosaurs to go extinct. Scientist relate their weakspot to that of a level 1 boss.
by BrockSpady

Editor's pick:

The gay dinosaur had only one natural enemy, the evangelical southern baptist asteroid.
by pulpfriction

5.4.09:

Tickets are 2.50, but the nightmares are free!
by BishopWhitet

Editor's pick:

Say whatever you want. They're still better than Coldplay.
by wquates

5.3.09:

Head off! Apply directly to neck stump. Head off!
by uatemyduck

Editor's pick:

Sometimes you may feel a little lightheaded.
by Shiloh17

5.2.09:

They laughed at me at the sign factory when I submitted this design. Well who's laughing now, huh? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW??!!
by Diasdiem

Editor's pick:

And they say Monday has a 70% chance of Lexuses.
by spectre_vampire

5.1.09:

Driving tests in the future will be extremely difficult.
by donarumo

Editor's pick:

Introducing the new Trojan Conedomes... What do you mean that was a typo?!
by acaba36



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31 Comments

Rodded Blagojeviches?

5/12/2009 3:28:19 AM
divinecomedy33

Wallsy: Not the kind of thing you want to be an expert on, man.

5/11/2009 2:27:51 PM
CodyCastor

"Notable Comment:"I scream! You scream! We all scream for pre-teen!" CodyCastor; Advocate for Ephebophilia." - If you're trying to sound clever by using an uncommon term, it helps if you use the right one. Ephebophiles are the ones who like teenagers, not pre-teens.

5/11/2009 12:32:02 AM
Wallsy

Cracked enriches

5/10/2009 1:59:13 AM
ka_la_la_lira

I liked "Press the button every 108 minutes or the Hatch gets THIS".
Everyone was talking about sea urchins, as well.

5/10/2009 1:10:48 AM
hamsterjelly

Sturdy hitches.

5/10/2009 12:57:24 AM
Jack-O

Comfortable niches

5/9/2009 11:12:39 PM
JornTheYounger

Face twitches

5/9/2009 3:27:21 PM
Ice9

computer glitches

5/9/2009 1:15:24 PM
rocksteady

Recently I found a hot club
-- SeekingTall.com --
Just for hot tall gals and guys to find their cupid. Come on, tall singles. Don't miss your lover.

5/9/2009 12:26:56 PM
fulllovegirl

What's with the rhyming?

I love how they mentioned dynasty warriors. If you play the game just right will experience some mindfucks(Wish there was a better word for that though. not exactly a fan of gratuitous cussing.)

5/9/2009 12:26:37 PM
mr1swift

Insane Liches (I bet I misspelled that horribly. But meh, I say to you, meh)

5/9/2009 11:39:07 AM
Icalasari

i wanna be the second person to bring cracked the head, because i'd imagine my methods of acquiring it would be more interesting than whoever brought it first.

5/9/2009 11:37:27 AM
ragnarqk

biscuit inches

5/9/2009 11:11:14 AM
shlunk39

Scribbled pictures

5/9/2009 11:04:55 AM
takesages

Cratey snitches

5/9/2009 10:49:32 AM
mmmm...

Good old Cracked stuffs. Here are more fun videos, "Week's Most Hilarious Videos 5/4" http://tv1.com/playlists/411

5/9/2009 10:49:03 AM
sky_slasher

Wiseman glitches!

5/9/2009 9:28:49 AM
Cratey

I'm going to be awkword, mine doesn't rhyme.

5/9/2009 9:14:35 AM
Wiseman_2

Sneaky twitches

Also: understanding that sign does not make the picture of the car any more logical. It says "Do you want to see it?"

... Y-yes? Yes I do.

5/9/2009 9:10:19 AM
Cratey

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