#3. Fast Texter Nathan Schwartz
When one of the first priorities of the President of the United States is to find a way to keep his Blackberry, what hope do you have of unplugging yourself from this crazy, workaday, 21st century world? Soon a lack of texting ability will be treated as a physical handicap, like a person born without a tongue.
At the forefront of this communications revolution stands Nathan Schwartz, a 20-year-old Cleveland State College student who is, at this particular moment in time, the fastest texter on the planet.
In under 60 seconds, he was able to type:
"Does everybody here know the alphabet? Let's text. Here it goes ... AbcDeFghiJKlmNoPQrStuvWXy & Z! Now I know my A-B-C's, next time won't you text with me?"
... entirely with his thumbs.
For the piece of prose, Scwartz pocketed $50,000, money he will use towards his tuition and to buy his family new Blackberries. He also has developed incredibly strong fingers, which will do him no good at all once the new round of phones come out that can generate texts directly from our thoughts.
#2. Backgammon Champ Frederick Andrieu
Most of us are introduced to backgammon when we click on our computer's game menu and choose Internet Backgammon. We are then paired up with a Polish guy who uses the drop down conversation menu to engage us with stimulating conversation starters such as "Hello," "Uh Oh..." and "Are you still there?"
No, we're not but Frenchman Frederic Andrieu, a fashion photographer, stuck around and, instead of surfing for porn, learned the basics of the game.
He became a top backgammon player in a world that we assumed had mostly forgotten the game. Apparently we were wrong, because there is a World Series of Backgammon with the biggest prize of anything on this list: 100,000 Euros. Which is like... four billion American dollars.
A relative unknown with the backgammon set, Andrieu entered the 2008 tournament and played a dramatic opening quarter-final round. He crushed his opponents, proverbially leaving them covered in bruises the shape of his enormous Backgammon cock. He left a swath of destruction to the final table where he squared off against American Bob Koca. There he performed the Backgammon equivalent of punching through his opponent's sternum, ripping out his still-beating heart, and wearing it as a hat.
Nope. Still doesn't make Backgammon cool.
Andrieu then let out three angry gorilla roars and claimed his 100,000 Euro prize before returning back to France to photograph half-naked women in fashion spreads.
Yeah, when that Polish backgammon player talks to you, you fucking answer him from now on. That's opportunity calling.
#1. Arm Wrestler John Brzenk
That's right, gentlemen. Over the Top was real.
Hollywood gave arm wrestling the royal treatment back in 1987, when Sylvester Stallone produced and directed the movie where he played Lincoln Hawk, a trucker down on his luck struggling to rebuild a relationship with his effeminate son.
Somehow, that leads the pair to the Las Vegas Hilton where Hawk enters an arm wrestling contest with first prize being a new big rig. Complete with bulging forehead veins, eye-popping surprises and super slo-mo action, it was the feel good story of the year.
Also in that film was a man by the name of John Brzenk, a Delta Airlines employee who is currently ranked the number one arm wrestler in the world. Yes, Over the Top was based on a real competition in which big, burly men with tree trunk arms vie for the chance to win a truck.
It may seem like kind of a useless prize unless, you know, you work as a trucker, but Brzenk--whose right arm is 3 inches bigger than his left--just sold his and earned a nice $64,000 in cash.
He continues to arm wrestle professionally, earning an additional $15,000 in revenue annually, on top of his job at Delta which affords him nice discounts to travel to arm wrestling events around the globe.
Wait, has anybody thought to combine some of these events? We'd kind of like to see how many words the text guy can tap out before this dude snaps his arm off. And maybe they're both drunk from beer pong...
Check out more people who are really good at pointless things with 6 People With Amazing Abilities That Are Totally Useless. And be sure to check out our Top Picks, for tons of time wasting links.