Instruction Manuals for the USS Enterprise

By Luke McKinney May 5, 2009 216,559 views

With the comfy starship and the open-minded, humanistic captain, life in the Star Trek universe sure looks a hell of a lot easier than what we're doing now.

But make no mistake, the USS Enterprise is a workplace like any other, and there are strict rules that must be followed if unthinkable consequences are to be avoided.

Here are some helpful guidelines you can find posted around the ship.

The Transporter Room:

From the Bridge:

The Uniform Dispenser:

Security:

The Captain's Quarters:

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74 Comments

Watching an ep of trek while reading this - great article btw - im a nerd, and proud of it.

7/20/2009 3:13:09 AM

Obitron2000

I love that flowchart. :D

6/8/2009 9:49:38 PM

katie5000

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5/7/2009 2:20:16 AM

fulllovegirl

This is pure gold. The flow chart, combined with the 4 guidelines, succeed in poking fun at pretty much everything wrong with Star Trek.

5/6/2009 6:44:23 PM

Watchtower

As an Ensign j.g. on the Excelsior I questioned the logic of a prime directive that is basically violated once we are close enough to read their EMPs. **sigh** Almost cost me my career. Thankfully I fell under the 500 year old "Equal Opportunity" guidelines. I hated to play the race card but it still being effective after 5 centuries says it all. I know a certain commo officer who scored a 52 on the Fleet exams and she got her earpiece right after basic. Humans....

5/6/2009 6:20:26 PM

thommacintyre

hazzardous u suck

5/6/2009 3:05:36 PM

CaptainVideo

f**k off with the Star Trek s**t already!

I propose that instead of making articles about it you just feature regular pictures of that Star Trek guy naked to appease the nerds. You can then dedicate your actual humour towards articles about porn.

5/6/2009 2:42:50 PM

hazzardous

meh.... guess i have to be a Trek fan to have enjoyed this better.

5/6/2009 9:23:33 AM

johnangel13

lol i think its funny how these fanboys on cracked nut everytime a super movie comes out....what was it last time watchmen??...seriously...you nerds have no other fancies or anyother way to fullfil them?

5/6/2009 8:48:26 AM

poopjew

I love to see this society formed upon the internet attacking the fundamentals that it was built upon. Why betray thy nerds Cracked? Why? If you want to wage war against them I will join your fight. This is insanity, and if anyone wants to reference 300 after this than just look at some of the profiles.

5/6/2009 7:39:12 AM

Cecil,E

Why is Simon Pegg blurry in the background!?
He is the equivalent of all those other fools molded into one, PLUS JESUS.

5/6/2009 5:52:10 AM

Panic

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5/6/2009 5:25:26 AM

Shirleyxx

Excellent!

And spot on.

However, let's call a spade a spade: if Star Trek wasn't ridiculous, it would lose half of its awesomeness.

5/6/2009 1:52:49 AM

MajorDSaster

haha i burst out laughing at the "no beard zone" bit. anybody catch that colbert report segment about that? good stuff

5/6/2009 12:39:18 AM

wackobythebay

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5/5/2009 11:10:10 PM

opheliasin

The "Prime Directive" is ridiculous anyway. If you see a cat with a broken leg do you ignore it because it's not "advanced", or because it might "interfere with its development" or whatever?

5/5/2009 10:15:45 PM