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6 Ways That Porn Runs The World

#3.
Porn + USA > Everybody Else

The Long, Hard Facts

If Michael Phelps demonstrated anything in the 2008 Olympics, it was that the United States Of America is pretty much the best at everything. OK, not so much education or health care or manufacturing things. But we rule at swimming. Oh, and internet porn. We produce more than anybody on the planet. Even adjusted for population, not even Japan can touch us.

Now, we know what you're saying: as a country we probably just produce more websites in general, and porn happens to be one variety. Not so. As early as 2003, Germany was producing 84.7 websites for every 1,000 members of their population to America's 63.7. In 2006, Israel was number one in the monthly hours spent on the Internet. Even Luxembourg, Germany, and Ireland lead in broadband penetration, a statistic so upsetting that we refuse to use it as a segue to a perfectly tuned dick joke.


And this is just a picture of Germany.

Things aren't looking much brighter going forward. China overtook us in total users by nearly 30 million in 2008 (of course, everyone knows the Chinese multiply by binary fission, so raw usage doesn't count). At least we're number one in is percentage of population using the Internet ... well, as long as you don't count Japan, Australia and Canada. That's right, we're losing the Internet war to our freaking hat.

The Moneyshot

But then, we have porn.

America has produced the most pornographic webpages of any country, or any 10 countries for that matter. At last count, we were responsible for 244,661,900 pages of perversion. Our nearest neighbor in that respect is Germany with 10,030,200 pages, but given the depraved material they're renowned for one can safely assume most of those pages have only been visited once or twice.

But we probably just lead because we have a higher population, right? Wrong; based on the current U.S. population, there is approximately 0.8 porn pages per U.S. citizen, six times the average of Germany. And if you think we're stopping before it's a one to one ratio, don't forget that there's a little Michael Phelps in ALL of our pornographers. U-S-A! U-S-A!

#2.
Porn > Productivity

The Long, Hard Facts

It is nearly impossible to quantify the effect that the desktop computer has had on production in modern business. Their capacity to automate, error-check, schedule tasks and intercommunicate are the very core of productivity. Even the inclusion of solitaire on most systems is vastly more efficient than breaking out a deck of cards and clearing the desk to play.


Three monitors, two towers and a laptop. Fuck you, procrastination.

The Moneyshot

There is no question that computers make our lives more efficient. After all, the staggering amount of pornography browsed at work probably cuts down on the time finding it at home significantly.

According to a 2008 Nielsen Online study, 25 percent of employees with internet connections use them to visit porn sites, which is up 23 percent from the previous year. M.J. McMahon, publisher of Adult Video News Online, further reports that hits on adult content peak during office hours. Its prevalence at work is blamed on the availability of non-subscription sites, a growing sentiment in the younger generation that pornography is not taboo, and those hydraulics on office chairs that let you ride low enough to facilitate covert wanking.


"Titties!"

It's not just a syndrome here in the Land of the Free (hand). Queen's University in Belfast conducted a survey of employees at 350 businesses in the U.S., U.K. and Australia for the porn-filtering firm SurfControl. Overall, 28 percent admitted to downloading sexually explicit content from the Web while on the job, though U.S. employees were slightly less likely to do so. Or they were smart enough to deny it.

The good news is you don't have to worry about that lagging work ethic hurting the economy. The porn industry employs about 12,000 people in California and pays over $36 million in taxes every year, so every clandestine tug is helping, really.

#1.
Porn > Everything

The Long, Hard Facts

Remember at the beginning when we said as big as you think porn is, it's actually bigger? We meant it.

Microsoft, purveyor of the operating system used on most of the computers in the world, reported 2008 profits in excess of $16 billion. ExxonMobil, the world's largest publicly traded company and number five on Forbes' top 2000 companies, posted 2008 profits of $40.6 billion. Though there is little in common with their industries, they do share one common bond: porn revenues spank them both, and then poop on their chest.


Secretly, Microsoft kind of enjoys it.

The Moneyshot

In 2006, the sum of international revenues from pornographic videos, sexual novelties, magazines, "dance" clubs, pay-per-view and Internet was approximately $97 billion.

Can you even wrap your mind around that number? Try it this way: that's larger than the combined annual revenues of the NFL, NBA and Major League Baseball. Think about how many stadiums full of furiously masturbating people that is. Just don't think of it the next time you're at a game.

Still not impressed? Well, our domestic revenues for pornography are larger than the revenues of Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo!, Apple, Netflix and EarthLink combined.

This means $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography internationally every second. To put that in perspective, when ExxonMobil posted a quarterly profit of $11.7 billion last year, the largest in American history, they were effectively making $1,947 less per second than the world of filth mongers. Worse, Astroglide is water-based, so Exxon isn't even getting a cut of the lube commodities market.

When you start talking about money this big it's not even fair to compare individual companies, so we just made the jump to entire fucking countries. If you compare porn revenues to Gross Domestic Product, the market value of all final goods and services from a nation in a given year, it is bigger than Morocco. And with mobile porn estimated to grow to become a $3.3 billion business by 2011, it's only a matter of time before Kazakhstan goes down like...

Well, you know.



Want to find out where you are on the global scale of contributors? Then check out The 10 Steps to Porn Addiction: Where Are You?. And find out how Japan is doing its part to curb this downward spiral into moral decay, in The 10 Most Perverted Old School Video Games.

And now it's time for some boobs! Go to our Top Picks section to see some!

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