10 Retarded Money Saving Tips (People Are Actually Trying)

#5. Use Your Lint

You may have noticed after a particularly robust load of pajamas, boxer shorts and bath robes that your dryer's lint trap is full to bursting with off color fuzz and a veritable forest of errant pubes. How many times have you peeled off that layer of fluffy nastiness and simply hucked it away without ever stopping to ponder just how many thousands of dollars you just tossed into the trash?

After all, why pay for things like expensive stuffed animal stuffing when you can stuff your own with lint and present little Johnny with his very own 45 percent pubic hair by volume Teddy Bear?

But wait, we're not just talking about slashing the 25 percent or more of the household income most families blow on bear stuffing. Maybe you live in an old, drafty house that has been improperly sealed against the elements, causing your heating and cooling bills to skyrocket.

A little dryer lint in the cracks and suddenly your wayward pubes and the stray pet hairs that had been clinging to your sweater are keeping you toasty all winter long!

Mattress sagging in the middle? Cram some lint in there! Need to stuff your crotch to impress the neighbors? Lint! Need fuel for your lint-powered time machine? Lint, motherfucker!

#4. Make Dog Hair Sweaters

Just look at Old Navy, getting rich while you're headed to the poorhouse, laughing all the way at you and your cotton briefs. Do you know where cotton comes from? Of course not, no one does, and that's how they trick you.

But now you can fight back against those imperialist bastards and their precious textiles by simply making your own clothing out of the hair you brush out of your mangy pets each and every day.

With only minimal shame and an excessive amount of effort, you can buy a book that will show you how to spin your dog or cat's fur into yarn which you can then knit into sweaters, purses, thongs or whatever hideous thing you choose.

No longer will you be a slave to seasonal fashion trends. Instead you'll just be a slave to how long it takes your Shih Tzu to grow in a full coat so you can finish off those pants you've been working on. And the best of all, the finished product, well, totally looks like clothing made of dog hair.

#3. Visit Mexican Dentists

Say, is that impacted wisdom tooth still bugging you? Don't fall victim to the dental industry's shenanigans with their crazy "you should see a dentist" bullshit. At least not in America. While dentists are happy to quickly and efficiently alleviate your pain, they like to tack on a hefty fee and really, what do you get for your money? The ability to eat and sleep and not be in excruciating agony? Pfft, that's clown shoes.

Why not take a road trip to Tijuana instead, if the pain doesn't make you veer off the highway, and visit a dentist who will work for about a quarter of the price? As an added bonus, you can take in a donkey show or get completely blitzed on low grade mescal and forget why you went to Mexico in the first place. How can you afford not to?

Now before we catch hell in the comments for painting Mexico as some kind of drug and taco-filled wasteland, we have nothing against the country and we're not actually questioning the credentials of Mexican dentists. But we will link to The Washington Post, who took it upon themselves to point out the occasional missed oral cancer diagnoses and rampant infections after Mexican dental work.

But hey, there were also free tacos.

#2. DIY Feminine Hygiene

Now, we're all grown-ups here. Menstruation is an actual non-comedy function of the female body and we're only grossed out in the same way we're grossed out by any of the things that come oozing out of the male body.

So when, in the interest of saving Mother Earth and your bank account, some sites start showing us how to make reusable panty liners at home, we're hoping male and female readers alike will consider this a pretty disgusting step backward for humanity. Even if we evolve to a completely sustainable future where even our very farts are harnessed to power our laptops, we'll hopefully still be throwing away the damned Maxi Pads.

But, no, these sites boast that their pads last up to eight years, and they go out of their way to give their reusable pads festive designs, so you can slough your uterine lining all over SpongeBob or the cast of High School Musical. They also note that they make nice gifts...

OK, now they're fucking with us, right?

#1. Rot

Open casket funerals are the Ponzi scheme of the death industry, without a doubt. All those morticians and funeral directors are probably taking lavish vacations to exotic places like Detroit at your expense, and all because we continue to want to have funerals in which the bereaved can view their dead loved one resting peacefully.

Embalming is the process we foolishly pay for to preserve the body after death and make open casket funerals both possible and not nightmare-inducing. But it can cost a few grand and, in many states, isn't even required!

So why not save a few bucks and let grandpa compost naturally in his casket? Just keep the lid firmly closed during the funeral and get a few Glade Plug-Ins going, and nobody'll notice the difference.

Make this a requirement in your Will and you can enter the afterlife secure in the knowledge that you've saved enough money for your kids to buy a nice television.



When not on Cracked, Ian saves money by writing cheap comedy over at www.scenicanemia.com.

Now check out how you can still drink yourself into a depressed stupor for next to nothing, in Nectar of the Broke: The World's 5 Worst Ways To Get Drunk. And be sure to bone up on all the warning signs that you're about to walk the line, in 6 Emails You Get When Your Company Is About to Go Under.

And visit recession-proof comedy at Cracked.com's Top Picks.

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