As you may have heard, the economy is bad which means that every single person on Earth instantly became poor. You probably walk to work now and have been forced to pawn all of your Ultimate Fighting trophies.
But when scouring the Web for helpful money-saving tips, we ran across some so mind-bogglingly pointless or repulsive that we refused to believe even one person had actually tried them. The less than helpful tips include...
Here's a sticky situation. You want to take a dream vacation but you're the cheapest son of a bitch you know. How can you enjoy an exotic getaway while at the same time living like the Hobo King you've long aspired to be?
The answer is to do away with all the frills normal people take on vacations; things like solid gold hookers, lobster stuffed lobsters and those snooty "accommodations" the kids are always raving about. Who needs a hotel when the airport you land in has its own roof?
Hooker with an entire body of gold.
There's an entire website out there dedicated to letting your "cheap enough to pick food out of the garbage" ass find the comfiest airports to snuggle up in for a night. That way you can be rested for your vacation, which will no doubt consist of walking tours of factories, free samples at local supermarkets and visiting libraries, parks and communal outhouses around the globe.
Really, if you can put up with not having a bed, a shower, a kitchen, privacy or thousands of people not looking at you all night, then this is the money saving tip for you. Oh, and in an ironic twist, Sleepinginairports.net offers up a list of the worst airports with Charles de Galle in Paris coming in at number one.
Why? Because of the number of bums who sleep there.
Inexplicably, there are sites out there that offer up this tip to save a buck at the cost of dignity, pride and hundreds of hours of your time. And that's with us carefully avoiding the too-gross-to-mention consequences of having your fingers tear through the whisper-thin shit ticket you're working the crevasse with. Wait, we guess we did mention it after all.
One site even does the calculations for you, based on a 100 sheet per day scenario--which we can only assume is accurate as who the fuck counts sheets of toilet paper--and comes up with a whopping savings of nearly $10 a year. Ten whole dollars!
When they repossess your house, you'll still be swimming in toilet paper.
With that extra cash in your pocket, you can afford to go out to a movie or something, though you won't have time for that sort of thing because you'll be too busy devoting about eight hours a day to unspooling toilet paper, separating the layers, then re-spooling each onto separate rolls, and presumably taping the squares back together after they separate from all this handling.
So really it's a worthwhile exercise as long as your time is worth absolutely nothing.
Undoubtedly, you've noticed how close having a cat takes you to the poverty line. Before you brought Fluffer into your life, you were living large in a sweet penthouse apartment and drinking Cristal from the shoes of high class escorts. Now you live in a one bedroom shithole and drink Lysol from your own boot, all because of that cat and its high-priced food. Where do supermarkets get off charging upwards of 70 cents a can?
Cats are assholes.
Well now you can stick it to big cat food by making your own repulsive, meaty sludge at home. Numerous sites offer up recipes and tips for making what amounts to bile-flavored liver and chicken for your special kitty. Imagine the thrill of finely slicing spinach and carrot, parboiling some ground turkey (for a "gravy-like appeal"), vegetable baby food and assorted other fillers, mixing the sludge together with dietary supplements and then serving your cat.
Though we have to admit this works out well for the cat, as you're skipping the factory ingredients that likely include powderized roadkill, fur and the occasional missing homeless dude.
We're about to blow your fucking mind with the simplicity of this idea. Are you ready?
So a big chunk of your budget goes to food, right? Well did you know that if you simply stop eating for one day a week, you'll save one-seventh of your food budget? It's in a book and everything!
The plan is pretty simple: Just look over your schedule for the week and find that one 24 hour period of time you're pretty sure you don't actually need to have any nutrients and are willing to let your body feed off of your liver and some muscle tissue for fuel.
During which time you'll doubtlessly be irritable and feel slightly loopy, so we're suggesting Monday. You'll have just one more reason to give human resources when they ask why you bludgeoned a coworker that day, and you'll be secure in the knowledge that you were too weak to cause serious injury when you did it.
One of the greatest scams ever perpetrated on mankind has clearly been the scam of cleanliness. Honestly, if living in shit was good enough for our cavemen-ancestors what makes us so high and mighty? Just because you wore those clothes outside, got them covered in crotch sweat, farts, burrito juice and angry hobo spittle, doesn't mean they can't hold out for a couple more wearings before firing up the washer.
That's the advice being handed out by visionaries who want to leapfrog steps like washing in cold and using energy efficient appliances, or even hanging your clothes to dry. All of those are going to cost you more than simply not washing them. It's time to push the envelope, people!
The assumption seems to be that your own natural musk and the various filthy substances you come across from day to day aren't so intolerable as to ruin an outfit after a single day's use. And this may very well be the case if you're an exceptionally clean person or, at the other end of the scale, spend a lot of time around hippies.