As you may have heard, the economy is bad which means that every single person on Earth instantly became poor. You probably walk to work now and have been forced to pawn all of your Ultimate Fighting trophies.
But when scouring the Web for helpful money-saving tips, we ran across some so mind-bogglingly pointless or repulsive that we refused to believe even one person had actually tried them. The less than helpful tips include...
10Sleep in the Airport
Here's a sticky situation. You want to take a dream vacation but you're the cheapest son of a bitch you know. How can you enjoy an exotic getaway while at the same time living like the Hobo King you've long aspired to be?
The answer is to do away with all the frills normal people take on vacations; things like solid gold hookers, lobster stuffed lobsters and those snooty "accommodations" the kids are always raving about. Who needs a hotel when the airport you land in has its own roof?
Hooker with an entire body of gold.
There's an entire website out there dedicated to letting your "cheap enough to pick food out of the garbage" ass find the comfiest airports to snuggle up in for a night. That way you can be rested for your vacation, which will no doubt consist of walking tours of factories, free samples at local supermarkets and visiting libraries, parks and communal outhouses around the globe.
Really, if you can put up with not having a bed, a shower, a kitchen, privacy or thousands of people not looking at you all night, then this is the money saving tip for you. Oh, and in an ironic twist, Sleepinginairports.net offers up a list of the worst airports with Charles de Galle in Paris coming in at number one.
Why? Because of the number of bums who sleep there.
9Separate the Two Ply
Inexplicably, there are sites out there that offer up this tip to save a buck at the cost of dignity, pride and hundreds of hours of your time. And that's with us carefully avoiding the too-gross-to-mention consequences of having your fingers tear through the whisper-thin shit ticket you're working the crevasse with. Wait, we guess we did mention it after all.
One site even does the calculations for you, based on a 100 sheet per day scenario--which we can only assume is accurate as who the fuck counts sheets of toilet paper--and comes up with a whopping savings of nearly $10 a year. Ten whole dollars!
When they repossess your house, you'll still be swimming in toilet paper.
With that extra cash in your pocket, you can afford to go out to a movie or something, though you won't have time for that sort of thing because you'll be too busy devoting about eight hours a day to unspooling toilet paper, separating the layers, then re-spooling each onto separate rolls, and presumably taping the squares back together after they separate from all this handling.
So really it's a worthwhile exercise as long as your time is worth absolutely nothing.