7 Retarded Tax Evasion Schemes (People Are Actually Trying)
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#3.
The "Only Booty is Taxable" Argument
How much income did you earn last year? $20,000? $50,000? $750,000, you coke-dealing scumbag? Well, how would you feel if we said you actually earned no income whatsoever, but only phony "Federal Reserve Notes" that not only aren't gold or silver, but can't even be exchanged for gold and silver? You'd probably wonder why we were expecting to get paid in gold coins like pirates or Mario. Some people would be feeling a whole lot better, though, since without any "income," they certainly can't be expected to pay any "income tax," can they?
The Constitution does say "No State shall ... make any Thing but gold and silver Coin a Tender in Payment of Debts," but this only limits the power of the 50ish states. The part that's actually behind our national currency says "The Congress shall have Power ... To coin Money [and] regulate the Value thereof." (The weird capitalization is in the original; they also dotted their "i"s with smiley faces.) Despite Supreme Court rulings against mandatory shiny dollars (and can you imagine how ridiculously tiny our dollars-worth-of-gold coins would be?), arguments have been made that "federal reserve notes are not backed by gold and silver and therefore cannot be income." If they truly wanted to show their commitment to avoiding these deceitful federal reserve notes, we suppose they could have...we dunno...maybe printed out their own money orders to pay their taxes? That totally worked for an extremely brief period of time. #2.
The "Your Strange Symbols Confuse Me" Argument
Those who really want to get cute can always claim they have no idea what the heck "dollar" or "$" means. OK, we owe $5,000 in taxes, but that might mean five thousand tiny, impaled snakes, and that'll take a few weeks to round up. If you don't get your answer in court (where they'll be happy to break out the Webster's to tell you that "'$' is the recognized symbol for a dollar"), you can always send your local congressman a friendly little 7000-word letter, and we're sure he'll get right back to you.
There are those who refuse to acknowledge dollar signs with one vertical line, insisting that the real dollar sign has two vertical lines, with the phony dollar signs used to indicate our phony, non-gold currency. Then again, since the dollar sign with two vertical lines might actually be the mark of the beast, it might be best to just avoid the subject altogether. #1.
The "Taxes are Slavery--No, Really, Actual 'Roots' Slavery" Argument
You have to be impressed with the wheelbarrow-requiring-balls on somebody who could read the 13th Amendment, which has forbidden slavery since 1865, and think, "Hey, this totally applies to my having to give up 20 percent of my shipping manager salary!" We don't like paying taxes either, but they seem like a small price for not having to try to convince a judge that our suffering is on the same level as an 1820s Georgia plantation slave. Not everybody agrees, of course, leading several people to unsuccessfully argue that the "Internal Revenue Code results in involuntary servitude in violation of the 13th Amendment."
To be fair, some proponents of this argument only classify taxes as "partial slavery," although slavery has always seemed like one of those all-or-nothing deals to us. Although even those who are the descendants of actual, all-the-time slaves don't get a reparations tax credit, so it's probably a moot point. For more in human stupidity, check out 6 People Who Died In Order To Prove A (Retarded) Point and 7 (Stupid) People Who Sued the Scientific Method. And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks because we know you don't want to do your taxes. |
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The best tax dodges ever are the first ones ever developed, and people still abuse the s**t out of them today. Set up a limited liability company, take your pals out to dinner, then claim the dinner back as a 'business expense'.
You get the idea - renting DVDs is a 'promotional expense'. And so on. In this country, LLCs can also claim more or less everything back on GST (Goods & Services Tax) returns. Mate of mine with an LLC that went round schools doing educational superhero shows for kids paid more or less no income tax for four years. Went bankrupt, but who cares? There were no assets to lose in teh first place! Another buddy of mine's father has also somehow
convinced the IRD that the annual income for his (moderately lucrative) machinery business is 32 dollars, and thus pays no tax. True stories, both.
Tax protesters are the idiots that embarrass conservatives the way anarcho-punks embarrass liberals. I think our drug laws are unconstitutional and wrong, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. The law is quite clear; The federal, state and municipal governments have the right to tax individuals. If you don't like it, you can try to change the laws or you can break the law and suffer the consequences, but you can't seriously argue that the laws don't exist.
And satanyokel, if the FRB has all our money, who is paying for the roads? The Freemasons? The Trilateral Commission? Amway?
Conspiracy theorists are so cute when they're debunked.
Your Federal Income Tax ends up in the hands of the Federal Bank of America. A PRIVATE institution. Not roads and such as some of the fuckwits would claim.
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@elvisjulep: I wasn't bragging. I was merely responding to being called a dumbass by italianprincess. As for your critique of my "bonehead post", I'm of two minds. Either...
a. You were too busy playing internet grammar-nazi to read the comments I was responding to and missed the point completely.
b. You were keeping track of the comments and consider yourself in the the same camp as redjimmy and italianprincess but dont't have the guts to admit it in an open forum so you chose to belittle an opponent's punctuation, instead of presenting an intelligent argument about the subject at hand.
Can't you turn Amish and not pay any income tax? Or is that only state taxes?
lbh -
Before you start bragging about your fluctuating 140 IQ again, riddle me this. How many simple mistakes are in this line from your boneheaded post?
"Thanks too all those filthy, filthy immigrants Our Culture is now "displaced" with Cinco Di Mayo..."
I'd hate to see your good days.
uh... http://www.irs.gov/taxpros/article/0,,id=159932,00.html#_Toc224375580
There you go... It's even in one of the links in this article.
You should do some research too.
I love how many 'fucktards' in here don't differentiate between state/local taxes (which are fine), and the federal income tax on individual American's labor and wages (which IS unconstitutional and actually not law, anyway).
As this challenge has been made many times, and has never been accomplished (by any entity, individual person or IRS), provide documented statutes in the tax code (have fun) that clearly states that working individuals have to file federal income tax returns, and that it is punishable by means of fine, incarceration, and forfeiture of property for not doing so.
It can't be done. IRS agents can't find the 'law' (and many have quit and have been fired over it's lack of existence), IRS higher ups when asked to present this 'law', they don't give straight answers and always fail to comply. And there have been cases (more than a few, you know) where the people have beaten the IRS after they can't prove that they have to pay federal income taxes. Strange how the author would leave this tidbit of information out.
But no, surely, people such yourselves who have put no effort into researching this issue at all (outside of reading this article, I guess) are informed (and audacious) enough to insult others who don't believe in being taken advantage of by the fed. But, such is your right and I won't deprive you of it.
Though, I can ask you to at least look into this issue a bit further, and give it some real thought. To reach enlightenment, you must travel the path yourself. Good day.
Tax evasion is really very easy. My parents do it every year. First, you just have to be too lazy to pay your taxes. When the IRS comes knocking on your door, whine about how you don't have the money. They'll garnish your paycheck, and your honest, tax paying kid won't be able to get financial aid because you were too lazy to find the calculator!
far as i know evading taxes is actually quit simple, just move to Somalia or some other 'failed state'.
beatnik should stop being lazy and just move there, he could even take his gun with him, and have a nice fun gunfight every afternoon. or at least for the 10 seconds it would take his neigbours to shoot him just to steal that gun.
after which he can choose between being in a government sponsord hospital or being a burden to his family for the remainder of his life.
@DrXym, most of these people go through all this hassle just to save, like $200, on taxes. judging from their enormous effort in keeping that money that's probably a year's salary worth to them.
Income tax is legal, but it ain't right. I totally understand why these people do what they do.
The basic assumption is that the government takes from us what they want, right off the top, and we get no choice in how it is spent.
It's not like 19th century slavery, no - they at least sometimes had the option of saving up and buying their way out of the situation that took the fruits of their labor.
I don't know which is worse, paying the federal government for the privilege of working, or paying rent to the county on a piece of property I'm supposed to own.
Government should only do what only government can do, and they don't need my income to do it. The older I get, the more it looks like what they should do is nothing.
Roads? If not for zoning law and an active 50-year campaign to kill rail, I'd be walking or riding to work. Police? I trust the Glock 26 in my pocket WAY more than I trust Johnny. Welfare? I call it "my family". Monopoly big businesses? Can't exist in a completely deregulated market.
It doesn't matter what program you throw at me, I can easily point out how it's not doing 99% of us any good, and how most of the time it's f*****g things up for the other 1%. That means the taxes are stolen and squandered.
FYI CRACKED, it's Guamanian.
THE MOAR YOU KNOW!
Here's something not a lot of people know: many of these arguments are illegal to make, and the IRS can actually add more in penalties and prison time for making them in court. Reason is, they have been shown to be frivolous.
okay. you don't have to pay taxes.....
but you don't get to use public roads, public schools (colleges included), public hospitals or anything funded in the slightest way by taxes.
paying taxes doesn't sound too bad now does it?
Funny how many fuckatards here in the comments are still claiming taxes are unconstitutional even after this article has a link explaining exactly why they are perfectly legal.
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hahaha hilarious article. i have heard some weird tax evasion stories from friends at www.affluence.org but never anything like this!
I am surprised that the kinds of people who use stupid tax evading arguments were ever in a position to accrue money in the first place.
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more power to you, idiots.