7 Retarded Tax Evasion Schemes (People Are Actually Trying)

#3. The "Only Booty is Taxable" Argument

How much income did you earn last year? $20,000? $50,000? $750,000, you coke-dealing scumbag? Well, how would you feel if we said you actually earned no income whatsoever, but only phony "Federal Reserve Notes" that not only aren't gold or silver, but can't even be exchanged for gold and silver? You'd probably wonder why we were expecting to get paid in gold coins like pirates or Mario. Some people would be feeling a whole lot better, though, since without any "income," they certainly can't be expected to pay any "income tax," can they?


Pirates hate tax season.

The Constitution does say "No State shall ... make any Thing but gold and silver Coin a Tender in Payment of Debts," but this only limits the power of the 50ish states. The part that's actually behind our national currency says "The Congress shall have Power ... To coin Money [and] regulate the Value thereof." (The weird capitalization is in the original; they also dotted their "i"s with smiley faces.)

Despite Supreme Court rulings against mandatory shiny dollars (and can you imagine how ridiculously tiny our dollars-worth-of-gold coins would be?), arguments have been made that "federal reserve notes are not backed by gold and silver and therefore cannot be income." If they truly wanted to show their commitment to avoiding these deceitful federal reserve notes, we suppose they could have...we dunno...maybe printed out their own money orders to pay their taxes? That totally worked for an extremely brief period of time.

#2. The "Your Strange Symbols Confuse Me" Argument

Those who really want to get cute can always claim they have no idea what the heck "dollar" or "$" means. OK, we owe $5,000 in taxes, but that might mean five thousand tiny, impaled snakes, and that'll take a few weeks to round up. If you don't get your answer in court (where they'll be happy to break out the Webster's to tell you that "'$' is the recognized symbol for a dollar"), you can always send your local congressman a friendly little 7000-word letter, and we're sure he'll get right back to you.


"Hmm... they look familiar, but I just can't place them."

There are those who refuse to acknowledge dollar signs with one vertical line, insisting that the real dollar sign has two vertical lines, with the phony dollar signs used to indicate our phony, non-gold currency. Then again, since the dollar sign with two vertical lines might actually be the mark of the beast, it might be best to just avoid the subject altogether.

#1. The "Taxes are Slavery--No, Really, Actual 'Roots' Slavery" Argument

You have to be impressed with the wheelbarrow-requiring-balls on somebody who could read the 13th Amendment, which has forbidden slavery since 1865, and think, "Hey, this totally applies to my having to give up 20 percent of my shipping manager salary!" We don't like paying taxes either, but they seem like a small price for not having to try to convince a judge that our suffering is on the same level as an 1820s Georgia plantation slave. Not everybody agrees, of course, leading several people to unsuccessfully argue that the "Internal Revenue Code results in involuntary servitude in violation of the 13th Amendment."


This is exactly like HR Block.

To be fair, some proponents of this argument only classify taxes as "partial slavery," although slavery has always seemed like one of those all-or-nothing deals to us. Although even those who are the descendants of actual, all-the-time slaves don't get a reparations tax credit, so it's probably a moot point.

For more in human stupidity, check out 6 People Who Died In Order To Prove A (Retarded) Point and 7 (Stupid) People Who Sued the Scientific Method.

And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks because we know you don't want to do your taxes.

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