SEX BAGELS EXPOSE: A CRACKED ROUND-UP.
Sometimes an attention grabbing title is all you need to lure in readers like a pedophile with a candy van. We really don't have anything much to say here. Can you guys believe the price of gas these days?It cost us forty bucks to fill up the tank on our candy van this week. Outrageous.
Our week began with a heaping-helping of Bucholz and the Jonas Brothers, making it Cracked's sexiest Tuesday in history. Swaim, of course, totally ruined the mood by bringing up the two things that disgust us most; his penis, and the Apple Corporation. Meanwhile Robert Brockway speaks out in favor of drug use, while Daniel O'Brien wastes way too much time on Twitter.
BEWARE THE JUBJUB BIRD, AND SHUN THE FRUMIOUS BANDERSNATCH |
 5 Great Men Who Built Their Careers on Plagiarism
Being awesome doesn't excuse being a cheating fucknugget. |
Notable Comment: "Don't forget Newton, who not only stole work, but had such a stranglehold on English Science that no scientific work was considered without him. He was vindictive and would destroy people. Plagiarism, I'm afraid, is rampant. Only now do we have tools to actually detect it. " Thanks, Betcha. You heard it here first folks; Newton was a dick.
THIS IS SPARTA! |
 The 7 Most Horrifying Parasites On The Planet
Just when you thought it was safe to expose your unprotected genitalia to the waters of the Amazon. |
Notable Comment:"Dammit, Cracked, is it intelligence I lack, If my job didn't suck, That I maybe I'd stop coming back For attention, my ex-girlfriend vied- But Cracked, you leave me zombiefied (Zom-bi-fiiiiiiiied!) " Ka_la_la_lira, your poem reads like a retarded man's haiku, but over here we appreciate that sort of thing.
GLORIOUS FAILURE! |
 6 Most Depressing IMDB Pages
Thankfully internet comedy writers never wither up and fade away. Right? Right?
We're so cold and lonely. |
Notable Comment:Dalarsco has a complaint, "What the hell? Why is it so bad for a Shakespearean actor to do "low brow" stuff? That entry is way more elitist than I'd expect from Cracked. The rest was good, but that didn't sit well with me." It's not about the actor doing "low brow" stuff, it's about a great actor being typecast into roles with very limited potential. Also, you have a small dick.
HITLERSAUCE |
 6 Historical Villains Who Were Actually Ok Guys
Every hero in history owned slaves or molested children, and every villain had a secret charity orphanage or saved puppies from burning mills.
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Notable Comment: "I wonder, if any of these historical figures were alive today...just how pissed off would they be at Mel Gibson? All we need is for Genghis Khan to be Jewish, and a film where Antonio Salieri repeatedly kicks Mel Gibson's family in the nuts till Mel stabs him with an anachronistic American flag, and we'd have a full house." Pedgerow, you dream a beautiful dream.
RAGEOHOL |
 7 Most Idiotic Corporate Temper Tantrums
Waaaaaah! Someone badmouthed us! ON THE INTERNET!. |
Notable Comment: Bender_is_great sticks it to the man, "Sounds like Burger King and the Bush administration have something in common. Oh, is it too late to be making Bush jokes now? f**k it, I don't care." You're so edgy, I think I just got cut by a shard of humor.
CUBS WIN! |
 6 Insane Sports Stories That Will Make You Believe in Curses
It's like believing in magic, except a magic that makes the Cubs immune to victory. |
Notable Comment: We like boomalonga's delicate simplicity: "wow, those are insane sports stories and they made me believe in curses."
NET_WORK! |
 Some People Take April Fool's Day Very Seriously
You're an April Fool. |
YOU YOU YOU! |
 13 Most Epic April Fools Day Pranks Never Pulled
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, The Retarded Truth Behind the World's 12 Greatest Mysteries.
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4.2.09:
A pissing contest so epic, they just had to immortalize it.
by JStanshall
Editor's pick:
"You think Madagascar is the best semi-autonomous island nation?? THIS is what I think of Madagascar!"
by lapyx
4.1.09:
Little known fact: Hasselhoff is German for "one arm way the fuck longer than the other"
by jonnyt
Editor's pick:
This Hasselhoff figure is a great scarecrow, but now I can't get rid of all these damn Germans.
by orphan
3.31.09:
Not Pictured: Dignity
by andersonwilliam
Editor's pick:
Virgin for life
by brooksblood
3.30.09:
"Do you really expect me to talk?" "No, Mr. Bear . . . I expect you to dry. Oh, and you'll be washed first. Then comes the drying. It's all pretty standard, actually."
by Julius_Goat
Editor's pick:
Serial Killer Starter Kit, ages 6+
by Least
3.29.09:
...the most likely explanation to why children are starving in Africa
by Ewad
Editor's pick:
It's amazing what you can do with some graham crackers, white icing, and two parents from Harvard and Yale.
by Milkman
3.28.09:
No mindfucks allowed.
by Battlecat
Editor's pick:
"All I'm saying is.... if even one of these freaks comes along, the sign would have been worth the money!!"
by Leaf
3.27.09:
Thirty seconds later, France surrendered.
by CavalierX
Editor's pick:
These guys are about to colonize the hell out of a hotdog cart.
by kengoldstein
