7 Awesome Super Powers (Ruined by Science)

#3.
Invisibility

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Well, we would, except... we can't see you. Apparently you're invisible, along with Susan Storm, the Invisible Woman and most gases. Though you have to admit, this one would be a Hell of a lot more useful for committing crime than stopping it.

Oh Shit...

Ironically, the rest of the world will be as invisible to you as you are to it. After all, the sense of sight works by having the waves of visible light reflect from an object onto our retinas, where it forms an upside-down image and is transmitted to the brain where it's converted into the image of whatever you were looking at.

You being invisible means that all those light waves are passing through your body. So, sure, they aren't bouncing off you to return to someone else's eyes, but this in turn means that they aren't hitting your own retina, either. So, whenever you're invisible, you're also blind.

Then we get into the whole bizarre question of where exactly your invisibility ends. If it's just your body, then foreign objects that aren't a part of you, like food, can still be seen. Good luck getting a dinner date--we don't exactly think your ability to demonstrate the full process of digestion will help you get the ladies, since they'll be talking to a floating glob of vomit the whole time. Then you get into the dust and moisture that lands on your body, turning you into a clearly visible, if ghostly, shape that will totally defeat the point.

If you somehow get around those problems, we're still assuming your invisibility doesn't somehow make all clothing turn invisible, then you're walking around naked the whole time. This sounds awesome until you're passing through a crowd and some dude accidentally smacks you in the nuts with his briefcase. Since he doesn't know you're there, he's swinging his arm freely, flattening your junk with the full impact of the briefcase's hard, unforgiving metal corner.

Then he's stopping to wonder why suddenly there's a puddle of puke on the ground.

#2.
Super Senses

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The human powers of perception, for the most part, are pretty damned limited. Hell, we can only see and hear a small part of the spectrum of waves. But you, you've got super-senses: your sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste are all far beyond what the rest of us experience. You're like Daredevil, only not blind.

Oh Shit...

You don't get to turn off your senses. No senses work that way, and if they did, they'd be useless. How would you know, for instance, to only listen to the crime happening 10 miles away, and not the 50,000 televisions playing between here and there? But it gets much, much worse.

As we mentioned, there's a lot of shit humans can't see or hear. Visible light, for instance, only runs the electromagnetic spectrum between 400 and 700 nanometers. That's about a thousand times less than the width of a human hair. Outside that are radio waves, microwaves, X-rays, gamma rays and pretty much everything else you could think of.

Those billions of particles that gatecrash through Earth's atmosphere from the Sun? Yep, you see them. The shitty "Top 40" songs you hear on the radio? You get to see rippling along the airwaves. You can't look at people without being disgusted--all the hairs and clogged pores and flaking dead skin would make you want to throw up your burrito.

That's just sight. Hearing's something else. You can hear heartbeats, breathing, the gurgle of food digesting. You want to have a hot dirty-talking session with your girlfriend? Better do it in a soundproofed room or you won't hear shit. Actually you will hear shit; you'll hear everyone who's shitting at that moment, clear as a bell.


Someone just got an earful of shit.

Taste and smell would be just as bad. Think about it: cologne, perfume, and the like are strong enough on their own. No matter how good it might smell, if an odor's strong enough it's going to be unbearable. Imagine smelling or tasting it at 10 or 100 times its normal intensity--you'd want to claw out your tongue and plug up your nostrils. And that's good smells--inevitably, there's always going to be a baby that just shit its diaper.

#1.
Immortality

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Mortal coil? What the fuck is that? Most people have existential dread to worry about, because they've only got a few short decades to live before they take that final dirt nap. But you're immortal, just like Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen. No pain, no sickness, no aging can harm you. You have all of eternity to do whatever the fuck you want to do, so take your time.

Oh Shit...

Okay, after the first, say, few hundred years, everything's still fine and well. You've seen a few generations of people live and die, and had this happen to your family. Oh well, they were likely douches you could live without anyway at some points. Companionship is companionship, or so you think.

Not so fast: You know how when you were younger (by human terms, a child), an hour seemed like forever to you? As people grow, their brain starts to perceive time differently. An hour feels like less time. Now extend that logic to a year, or a decade, or a century. This means that eventually, you will be completely unable to form relationships with human beings because their lives and deaths will flash past you like a tape on fast-forward.

Let's keep going into the future, since you're a sociopathic recluse and think you're still okay with this whole immortality thing. There are so many things that could go wrong with the planet, an asteroid strike, nuclear war, the LHC, but let's assume the planet somehow makes it through all that without being reduced to dust.

Five billion years from now or so, the Sun expands into a red giant. You survive the first roasting, but nothing else does. The Sun eventually rips planet Earth into rubble with gravity. So now there you are floating in outer space, drifting along, or getting a bitching tan at the heart of the Sun so you can pick up some killer alien chicks in the Andromeda galaxy if you ever get there (you won't).

Either way, a few trillion years later, the universe starts to really show its entropy. Every where is the same. No stars, no planets, no black holes, just an empty, cold mass of subatomic particles that can never come together again. And you, floating along in the void. Forever.

Check out Brockway's column, in which he digs into 5 Scientific Reasons People Act Like Assholes. And check out The Galactic Empire's Official Defense Strategy in our Death Star page.

And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks to see History's 10 Hottest Women.

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