Register
Home > More Funny Stuff > CRACKED: HOME OF THE GRAND SLAM BREAKFAST COMBO

CRACKED: HOME OF THE GRAND SLAM BREAKFAST COMBO

By CRACKED Staff March 14, 2009 21,588 views
article image

Cracked serves up some fine, humorus vittles with a spoon that appears to be crusted with several years worth of toe-jam and back goop. We're just like your elementary school lunch lady, but with more arm fat and lower pay. Also, some of us may have syphilis.


This week, Swaim opens up about his addiction to the deadliest drug on the planet, and then preaches about its legalization. The DEA SWAT team will be at his home momentarily. Bucholz takes us away from the unwholesome demon weed and shows us the diary of a Ken doll, which is in no way existentially horrifying. Meanwhile, Brockway went on an epic quest to rescue lost blogger Ross Wolinsky. It didn't end well. Next, Gladstone gives us an in-depth look behind the scenes of the new Cracked movie, while Dan O'Brien fetishizes murder via twitter.



And the mome raths outgrabe
CGI Boobs: 7 Special Effects Stars Want to Keep Secret.
Because Angelina Jolie's totally ugly without a CGI body.


Notable Comment: Thunder airs a complaint, "I hate it when you provide a link in a sentence like 'adding digital panties to Carmen Electra after an unintentional flash', and then I click it to find all words and no pictures. " Trust us, man. We hate it too.



YAY TESLA COILS
5 Deadly Sci-Fi Gadgets You Can Build at Home.
No self-respecting mad scientist can afford to miss this article.


Notable Comment:Pedgerow said, "You should do a competition, where you show pictures of people clutching various body parts and screaming in agony, and we have to guess which of these five things the person just tried to build. " You know, that's not a bad idea.



GARGAMEL=GONORHEAA
Badass Cartoon Villains Who Lost to Retarded Heroes.
Don't fuck with smurfs.


Notable Comment:"I read the article. I read the comments. Conclusion. You guys are high. " Son of a whore. Echoecharlie's onto us! Hide the hookah and nutmeg!



CRAZY PLUNGERS!
5 Accidental Inventions That Changed The World
Son of a bitch. Someone got penicillin in my disgusting filth!


Notable Comment: From Codycastor, "I invented a portable bathroom by accident one time. It's made of denim, and you can wear it just like pants." Your idea intrigues us. The Cracked Patents department will be around presently to break your legs and steal your invention.



PROSTITUTION!
5 Whores Who Changed The Course of History.
We'd like to use this opprotunity to give a shout out to all the 'working girls' who maked the Cracked offices such a 'creative working environment'. Thanks ladies, and sorry for what Brockway did last Thursday. We have confiscated his hammer.


Notable Comment: JoeMcCann, one of our kiwi readers, had this to say, "Hah! YES for New Zealand finally getting into a Cracked list! Incidentally, Georgina was also instrumental in one of the more significant pieces of legislation to get passed in New Zealand : the decriminalization of prostitution. " You're welcome, Joe. And, now that we know your country has legal whores, the decision of where to hold the annual company vacation becomes that much easier.





NET_WORK!
World's Toughest Astronaut: That Lady From 'Law and Order'.
Featuring Law and Order SVU's Diane Neil!


YOU YOU YOU!
12 Famous Pictures Turned Into Badass Album Covers.
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If you could take any video game character and add it to another game.



Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

3.12.09:

The Irish decided that they too, needed their own version of Dr. Manhattan
by swedishchef

Editor's pick:

I promise you, the tire is not why you're not winning any of your Nascar races.
by siromar

3.11.09:

A penny got onto the blueprints, and somehow I just didn't notice until now.
by III

Editor's pick:

If Mount Rushmore was built today, this is all we could afford.
by SlappyMcGee

3.10.09:

This is Channel 9 reporter Olivia Brown, reporting on what seems to be an outbreak of down syndrome.
by jessen

Editor's pick:

"... this is Jane, wondering who I have to sleep with to cover a real news story around here. Back to you, Rob."
by bcanders

3.9.09:

"Boner?"
"No, I just wore my fanny pack inside my wetsuit."
by Archdevil0

Editor's pick:

I don't speak Japanese, but I know boner deoderant when I see it.
by humanity

3.8.09:

The first round from the giraffe's double-barrel lion gun roared over our heads. With one left in the chamber, the question became, did we feel lucky?
by jonnyt

Editor's pick:

Unfortunately, his plan for a Giraffe-Lion-Rock hybrid had some obvious holes
by Crazybbq

3.7.09:

The rich, gay brother of yesterday's craption.
by SUPERNAUT44

Editor's pick:

"Just follow the blue line and you can't miss it. Oh, and whatever you do, ignore the giant eggs. They will tell you to sit under the orange canopy, but whatever you do, do NOT sit under the orange canopy."
by mktrevor

3.6.09:

The third Death Star suffered a lot of budget cuts after the economic crisis.
by Truthiness

Editor's pick:

Is there an inscription on it? Cause I lost one like that.
by Fkelleghan



Recommended for Your Pleasure

23 Comments

Chaos breaks out at America's NexT Top Model auditions as man steals purses!! Hilarious... the sound of wannabes squealing en masse!

http://www.gay2share.com/view_video.php?viewkey=b6a76a1f8861c494a2d6

3/15/2009 10:37:44 PM
dalekiloveyou

Hah, I work at Denny's....I hate those God Damn grand slams....WE ARE NOT BURGER KING! YOU CANNOT HAVE IT YOUR WAY!!!

I call shenanigans on this s**t

3/15/2009 5:50:23 AM
Lizrd

You tell em, Anna! f**k a Squeeler!

3/15/2009 2:50:44 AM
CodyCastor

Don't get me wrong, he is a cheater. So are the fricken Squeelers. You see anybody ragging on their heroics? The other day,
I saw a blog about his gossip on site named___ ....S e e k a m i l l i o na i r e . c o m .... '__ for people seeking wealthy .

Posted on 3/14/2009 4:54:42 AM

3/14/2009 7:26:14 PM
Anna1573

I bet that you added the words Grand Slam into the title of this article because Ireland will win it.

Please don't disagree. It'll ruin my dreams.

3/14/2009 7:19:08 PM
gimmesometea

It's Diane NEAL you asswipes. Enough wake and baking and check the imdb.

3/14/2009 4:10:50 PM
somedumbskank

woot, 2nd notable comment

3/14/2009 2:05:03 PM
Crazybbq

Good old Cracked stuff. It's good to be laughing while the economy is bad. Check out these funny videos, "Never Too Broke To Joke"
http://tv1.com/playlists/104

3/14/2009 12:25:20 PM
sky_slasher

Yes! One of my comments is notable. I'm going to tell all my friends I know all the Cracked writers personally. I might also stop whingeing whenever there's a White Ninja comic, to repay the favour to my new Cracked friends.

3/14/2009 12:16:15 PM
Pedgerow

The apology on Brockway's behalf made me laugh. hehehe

"We confiscated the hammer" lol, just perfect . . .

3/14/2009 12:07:36 PM
theHeadCase

Pretty sure March 12 has the wrong editor's pick...

3/14/2009 12:05:46 PM
otacon17

i wish things were more like things then all those things would be more like these things.

yeah.

3/14/2009 11:43:05 AM
das_w00tman

I suspect they have a machine that just randomly pick one of the top 5 after eliminating the one that won on it's own.

You can't honestly expect me to believe they actually read them.

3/14/2009 11:34:43 AM
Jenna_Tullwortz

Man you went on with a big breakfast combo and I don't have any, shame on you cracked, I need my breakfast now!

3/14/2009 11:09:39 AM
RedBaron

fkelleghan made the same craption in Jan. for the big red ball craption. 18 votes before, now an Editor's choice? Who is this editor that chooses, anyway?

3/14/2009 10:01:57 AM
hymen

Boobs.

3/14/2009 9:44:00 AM
redx190

The editors don't read any further down the list of craptions than anyone else does, so their picks are slightly better than the readers' votes. Which is to say, lame.
Also changed avatars in my profile, and it won't change here.
Also lame. The stench of lameness is overwhelming this site, along with Tallmingle crap and sexybeauties seekmillionaires yada yada yada. Then a story telling me why I should be more depressed?
MAKE ME LAUGH, FUNNY BOYS. OR I'LL SHOOT.

3/14/2009 9:38:49 AM
feralboy12

I would never rag on the Squeelers' heroics, Anna1573. Unconscionable.

3/14/2009 8:45:30 AM
RabiesMcZ

Is it just for me that the final picture has decided to implode on itself?

3/14/2009 6:32:48 AM
Kaedechtu

No offense mktrevor, but those are some of the weakest editors choices I've ever read. They even had to reuse an old EC from last week for the green man one.

3/14/2009 6:22:55 AM
DavidsWang

More on Funny Stuff

Cracked stuff on
Recent Videos

Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.