6 Evil Henchmen Who Sucked at Their Job

#3. Cobra Blueshirts

Who Are They?

Soldiers of Cobra, an international terrorist group led by Cobra Commander, the world's most ruthless former used-car salesman, as seen in the Marvel Comic G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero and the Sunbow animated series.

Why Were They Feared?

When Cobra started out in the comics, its frontline troops (known to fans as 'Blueshirts' on account of their uniforms) were serious dudes. Cobra might have suffered from questionable leadership (indeed, it seemed like anybody with a crazy name and unlimited access to a pimp's wardrobe could get a command position), but Blueshirts were out there getting things done--fighting, killing and dying--and they won their share of battles against the hated Joes. With an army of Blueshirts at its disposal, Cobra was a legitimate threat to world peace.

What Went Wrong?

When the franchise made the leap from comics to cartoons, Blueshirts got shafted. Leadership stayed as lame as ever, but Blueshirts were transformed from highly trained, highly motivated soldiers-of-fortune into wet sacks of stupid who forgot all about cover and couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. Seriously, they might as well have kept the safeties on and just made "Bang! Bang!" sounds, for all the difference it would have made. These new, unimproved Blueshirts suffered one humiliating defeat after another. But things were about to get even worse.


How will that solve anything??

In season two, Blueshirts were largely replaced by Battle Android Troopers (B.A.T.s). Now, it was the 1980s, and many people were losing their jobs to automation, but usually only to robots that actually, you know, worked. B.A.T.s, on the other hand, were even worse than Blueshirts--they couldn't aim, they sometimes couldn't tell friend from foe and they tended to explode whenever a Joe so much as looked at them. That's like losing your job on the assembly line to a robot that drinks on the job, loses all its money playing video poker and has to be replaced every week. No wonder Blueshirts hated America.

In the end, after meekly submitting to every humiliation imaginable, Blueshirts ultimately taught us two things: (1) that sucking is half the battle; and (2) that the other half is also sucking.

A Typical Blueshirt's Last Thought

"Is it too late to join HYDRA?"

#2. Z-Putty Patrollers

Who Are They?

Kung fu-fighting flunkies of the evil Lord Zedd, as seen in the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Why Were They Feared?

The Rangers started out fighting arch-fiend Rita Repulsa and her legions of Putty Patrollers. Putties had some moves, but they never presented a truly credible threat, and the Rangers defeated them time and time again. Eventually, Rita's boss, Lord Zedd, took matters into his own hands, coming to earth and pitting his own legions of Putties against the Rangers. But these Putties were different. Empowered by the eldritch energies of Lord Zedd's mystical staff, these Z-Putty Patrollers were supposed to tear the Rangers a new morph-hole.


Grrr.

At first, it looked as if Z-Putties would succeed where the old Putties had so-often failed. Indeed, when they went head-to-head in episode one of season two, the Rangers found themselves clearly outmatched by Z-Putties. Things looked grim for the struggling Rangers...

What Went Wrong?

Until, that is, the Red Ranger stumbled upon the Z-Putties' only weakness: the large self-destruct buttons built into their chests in the form of Zedd's logo. Punching, kicking or even gently caressing that logo causes Z-Putties to literally explode into unrecognizable chunks of spandex.


Of course, a guy with an exposed brain probably doesn't think having a chest-mounted self-destruct button is such a big deal.

Now, children have pretty low standards for entertainment, but Z-Putties were an unspeakable new low. Once their weakness was exposed in their very first appearance, they presented even less of a threat than the old Putties, which is to say, no threat whatsoever.

A Typical Z-Putty's Last Thought

"Anywhere but the chest...anywhere but the chest... anywhere but the--ACK!"

#1. Orcs

Who Are They?

Demonic minions of Middle Earth heavies Sauron and Saruman, as seen in the Lord of the Rings books and films.

Why Were They Feared?

Creatures recognizable as orcs are as old as folklore itself, but it wasn't until the films based on J.R.R. Tolkien's books that we saw how badass they could be. These orcs (and their close cousins, the fighting Uruk-hai) were a Middle Earth fanboy's wet dream come true, kicking ass and taking names (then promptly forgetting the names and eating the asses).


"I will now cook and eat your ass, whatever-your-name-is."

The ambush that killed Boromir? Sweet. The assault on Helm's Deep? Rocked our world. The attack on Osgiliath? That was probably cool, too, but we were still thinking about Helm's Deep.

What Went Wrong?

Yes, everything was great... right up until that scene in The Return of the King when a few thousand Rohirrim arrive to take on the million-strong orc army besieging Gondor, whereupon the orcs--with their vast numerical superiority, their batteries of catapults and their reserves of tricked out super-elephants--panic and run screaming in all directions.

If that wasn't bad enough, later on, a few orcs are taken down by the increasingly chunky Samwise, Frodo's questionable life partner. Samwise, by himself, actually kills them .

Now, maybe thousands of heavy cavalry bearing down on you is something to think twice about, even if you're a big, bad orc, but a fucking Hobbit?

Honestly, it was as if orcs had a best-before date that expired halfway through the third movie, after which their raw animal courage curdled into the sour milk of craven cowardice.

A Typical Orc's Last Thought

"We have nothing to fear but--OH, SHIT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!"

Things don't get much better for classic cartoon villians either; check out 7 Badass Cartoon Villains Who Lost to Retarded Heroes. Or find out about some corporate monsters that would take an army of our childhood heroes to defeat, in The 7 Most Terrifying Corporate Mascots of All-Time.

And visit Cracked.com's Top Picks or we'll lay waste to our own henchmen (read: lazy interns) that put them together.

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