Holy Cracked, it's the Round Up!

Blah blah blah, typically hilarious round-up intro, blah blah blah, comedy. Okay, enough small talk, we've got some business to attend to.

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Meanwhile, articles.

Even more meanwhile, boobs.


Bucholz started our week off in the best possible way: with William Shatner. Brockway brings us the precious truth behind our most valued idols. Swaim drags us down to the level of Conan O'Brien, and Gladstone takes us back to the solid streets of internet humor. Dan O'Brien brings us to a classy finish, by mocking an actor on the terminal downswing of his career.



ALL MIMSY WERE THE BOROGROVES
7 Stalloneyest Moments In Stallones Film Career
When these are the defining moments of your acting career, you may need to reevaluate certain choices in your past.


Notable Comment:"'In the future, the letter 'E' will look retarded.' Ha ha ha. Best use of the word 'retarded' in the last month." Thanks for that praise, littleoutrage, our writing staff bases the entirety of their self-worth on how many good uses of the word 'retarded' they can put down in a month.



GET HEAD
5 Ways Your Brain Is Messing With Your Head
See? You're not crazy, your brain was just built by the lowest bidder.


Notable Comment:"I think the upside to running out of genuine comedy material is finding intelligent articles and phrasing them humorously. Cracked: devoted to teaching the internet legions though dick jokes and boob shots." Ka_la_la_lira, that might be the best summary of Cracked we've ever heard.



EMBRACE PASTORALISM
11 Modern Technologies That Are Way Older Than You Think
Dern wet-behind-the-years plagiarising scientist whipper-snappers.


Notable Comment:"In the early spring my nose bleeds easily. I dont pick it, it just bleeds on its own. My Grandmother says its probably cancer. Im hoping she is wrong. {Grandma Maninin, not Grammy Poons}" Well nana, here's...um...hoping it's not cancer?



OH GOD ROVER
7 Insane Military Attempts To Weaponize Animals
Oh no, the Iranians are manufacturing weaponized bearonium!


Notable Comment: SOmeone should do an article about the "5 most retarded conspiracy theories" :D Lady_Bequerel, we mention this as a kindness, every writer at Cracked has pitched this on accident at one point, only to find out that it's already been pitched. Sorry guys.



HOLY CHEESE
5 Comic Book Movies Way Worse Than Batman and Robin
How hard is it to film a decent movie about a man who squeezes on spandex and wrestles moistly with costumed villains?


Notable Comment: "Is it sad that I've seen 3 out of these 5 movies? I bet it is, isn't it? " Siwelkire, you might want to take these white pills and the pain melt away, along with 80% of your intestinal tract.



WANGLE'N DANGLE
The 5 Most Retarded Wars Ever Fought
When you really want to kill some folks, pretty much any excuse will do.


Notable Comment: Oceanus swears an oath against Imperialism, "You murdered a poor innocent pig! We will never forget. The blood of Squeaker is a stain on your nation's honour. He will be avenged, I assure you. " Godspeed, brave warrior. The Black Helicopters will be along to collect you shortly.





NET_WORK!
The Trouble With Having A Tiny Clone
This whole thing is strangely familiar.


YOU YOU YOU!
When Superpowers Go Wrong
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Turn famous pictures into album covers.



Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

3.5.09:

Never try to change your flat tire while playing "the floor is lava" game
by lapyx

Editor's pick:

I promise you, the tire is not why you're not winning any of your Nascar races.
by siromar

3.4.09:

Hooters N Head wasn't as much fun as we thought it would be
by III

Editor's pick:

"Hello, do you carry dolls heads? Yes? And What about their decapitated bodies? Wow, yeah? Okay, now this is a shot in the dark, but what about fake owls? NO WAY! SWEET!"
by xgrendelx

3.3.09:

It's pretty bad when the second thing you notice is the naked guy
by nathyndg

Editor's pick:

Who let the dogs out... of the closet?
by wquates

3.2.09:

March 2, 2009. 3pm EST. The Peeps became self aware.
by rustytrombone

Editor's pick:

HAHA, MORE LIKE QUACKED.COM!
by SUPERNAUT44

3.1.09:

Breakdancing zone ahead. Prepare for awesomeness.
by Blinker_Fluid

Editor's pick:

Warning: tresspassers are in danger of gettin' served
by P2M

2.28.09:

This is the deal guys. If our stock prices plunge, we plunge. Now get working.
by SheaD

Editor's pick:

Hey Bill we caught something.
Its just Yahoo, throw it back in.

by adam72967

2.27.09:

For his crimes against the Children, I hereby sentence the Easter Bunny TO DEATH BY HANGING!
by getittwistd

Editor's pick:

The Suicidal Energizer Bunny; he just couldn't keep going and going and going...
by Kurtis

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