For years, people have called Watchmen "unfilmable," and they said it would never make it to the big screen. Those people, we have no doubt, never saw any of the movies on this list. If there's one thing this list proves, it's that Hollywood will film anything and call it a comic book movie.
5Captain America (1971)
Steve Rogers is a young artist who enjoys wallowing in self pity as much as he enjoys remembering his far superior father (which is to say, very much). His father was a patriotic government agent during the war who, due to his dedication and bravery, was given the nickname "Captain America." He also developed a "super-steroid," which seems less brave, but people went with it because they had already gone to the trouble of giving him that nickname.
When young, whiny Steve suffers an accident and is given his father's special steroid during surgery. Not only does the steroid save his life, it gives him super strength and speed, which he uses, at the behest of the government, to fight evil.
"Now that I'm virtually indestructible, I'll gladly fight crime!"
Oh, but instead of serving in the war (like his father, and the Steve Rogers in the comics), he uses his super-speed to buy a giant cargo fan and a moderately fast motorcycle and rides around for a good portion of the movie, briefly pausing only at the end of the film to foil a random terrorist plot that involves hiding a bomb somewhere.
Why It Sucked:
Steve Rogers from the comics was an artist at heart, sure, but he was also prepared to fight for his country even before he was loaded up with super steroids. He was a superhero who could have genuinely been considered a true hero pre-powers. The writers of 1971's Captain America thought this was so inspiring that they decided to leave it out completely and focus on the whiny, artsy side.
"I'll tell you what Red Skull hurt the most: my feelings...
One of the other great things about Captain America was that he willingly volunteered to take the super serum, because it meant he would be better at doing what he loved (punching Nazis). In this movie, the serum is given to Rogers without his consent, and he reluctantly decides to fight crime after it turns out he has superpowers. Basically, everything that made Steve Rogers honorable and respectable was removed and replaced with... art? A helmet? We don't even know. A see-through shield?
Now, the good Captain's transportation doesn't really come up too often in the comics, so we can't say the filmmakers behind this movie screwed it up. Still, we feel fairly secure in the belief that he would not roll around in a blue GMC Van that shoots an almost useless motorcycle out of the back.
And finally, the costume. Instead of just copying the already awesome comic book costume, they apparently hired a costume designer who'd never heard of Steve Rogers (or America), and said, "Make an American motorcycle superhero in 10 minutes or you're fired."
Why You've Never Seen It:
This movie was only made for TV and the general reaction of the public was so collectively indifferent, that they decided to make a terrible sequel that received a similar amount of disinterest.
4Nick Fury: Agent Of S.H.I.E.L.D. (1998)
David Hasselhoff and Lisa Rinna.
No trailer available. Please enjoy this clip of Nick Fury being alarmingly sweaty.
The film opens with an already retired Nick Fury, who lives comfortably in the Yukon until he receives a call from S.H.I.E.L.D. who explain that Fury's "old nemesis has returned," and only he can stop the bad guys, because apparently there isn't a single other S.H.I.E.L.D. agent who is qualified to do anything.
The plot is painfully and needlessly drawn out. Fury returns to the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier in order to diffuse the threat which turns out to be that the children of his old nemesis have a deadly virus. We quickly realize the real problem is that S.H.I.E.L.D. thinks a one-eyed, cigar-chomping, retired David Hasselhoff would be better at stopping it than a giant flying helicarrier.
The plan falls just outside the borders of "too retarded to be believable" but lands somewhere in "just retarded enough to work" territory, so Nick Fury saves the day.
The best of the best?
Why It Sucked:
The weirdest thing about this movie is that it shouldn't have sucked. It was written by David S. Goyer, the guy who wrote The Dark Knight. The biggest non-Hasselhoff-related problem is it couldn't decide if it was a serious drama or a high camp movie, and it failed at both. And the biggest Hasselhoff-related problem is that David Hasselhoff was in it.
Man, we have used this picture in a TON of articles already, and we don't even care.
Why You've Never Seen It:
This one is a little tricky because it's available for purchase. After Goyer struck gold with Batman Begins, Best Buy bought the distribution rights and started selling the DVD. It's still available, for the hardcore fan who has to have everything related to Marvel, and also hates himself.