7 Insane Military Attempts To Weaponize Animals

#3.
Anti-Tank Dogs

What Were They Thinking?

If 1941 was a dark year for England, it was even darker for Russia. In June, the Germans invaded and quickly overran that babushka-loving country's meager defenses, with German armor leading the way.

The Russians, desperately short on anti-tank weapons, seemed powerless to stop the armored onslaught until they remember that (A) they had plenty of dogs, and (B) it's really easy to trick dogs.

Dear God, What Have We Done?

Anti-tank dogs were trained to seek food that had been hidden underneath tanks. When their training was complete, the dogs were starved for days on end, then fitted with harnesses that held lever-activated bombs and, finally, turned loose into the path of oncoming German armor.

When a dog ran underneath a German tank looking for a tasty treat, the lever was tripped and the bomb was triggered.

The Result:

Results were mixed. The dogs--or Hundminen, as the Germans called them--are credited with destroying 300 German tanks. Unfortunately, they also destroyed an unspecified number of Russian tanks ("Hey, I bet there's food under YOUR tank!").

But that was cold comfort for the Germans. Exasperated, they set out to solve the problem in a fashion that was familiar to them: by slaughtering every dog in Eastern Europe.

#2.
Anti-Mine Monkeys

What Were They Thinking?

Iraq is a dangerous place. In addition to car bombs, roadside bombs and all manner of improvised explosive devices, American troops must also watch out for old-fashioned landmines. Iraq is riddled with such mines, left over from conflicts past, and clearing them is a dangerous and time-consuming process.

If only there was a faster, cheaper, crueler way to do it. Perhaps one involving monkeys?


No. You idiot.

Dear God, What Have We Done?

Enter Morocco: the land of the Casbah and the source of Europe's best hash. While not an official member of the coalition of the willing (hey, not everyone's cool enough to hang with the likes of Estonia and Tonga), Morocco has been supportive of the US-led effort in Iraq. So supportive, in fact, that in 2003, they offered to contribute their most precious non-hash resource to the cause: monkeys.

And not just any monkeys--these monkeys were trained to detect landmines. And by "detect," we mean "run around shrieking and flinging poo until they stepped on one."


"I can't wait to blow myself up for America!"

The Result:

There wasn't one. The US military, perhaps feeling that the situation in Iraq was volatile enough without adding wave upon wave of suicidal monkeys to the mix, declined the offer. Thus, about 20,000 "MONKEY EXPLODES ON MINE LOL!" YouTube videos would never come into existence.

#1.
WMDs: Whales of Mass Destruction

What Were They Thinking?

For 50 years, the world stood poised on the brink of nuclear annihilation. Both sides spent trillions of dollars searching for the ultimate deterrent, a way to strike at the enemy against which there was no defense. But there was only so much technology could do--missiles, bombers and submarines all had their shortcomings.

If only there was some other way to delivery a nuclear payload. If only...oh, fuck it: whales.

Dear God, What Have We Done?

It's well-known that the US Navy employs dolphins and sea lions for seeking out underwater mines and that sort of thing, but that's not all they're up to.

According to one former navy cetacean trainer, the Navy also runs a program to train orcas--AKA killer whales-- to deliver nuclear weapons to enemy shores, an attack that would be almost undetectable. The American government denies these claims, which, as we all know, means they're true.

The Result:

Nuclear war never broke out, and for any weapon meant to act as a deterrent, that kind of counts as a success, we're thinking. But Russia is fast becoming a renewed threat and, for all we know, they're feverishly working to close the "whale gap" at this very moment. If so, our only hope may be to suspend all those anti-whaling conventions and turn the Japanese and Norwegians loose to do what they do best. But they'd better be thorough - because all it takes is one rogue nuke-whale, swimming out for revenge.

But don't feel too bad for these "poor" animals. We all know that they're out to kill off the human race. Want proof? Check out 8 Animals With Real Superpowers and The 6 Deadliest Creatures (That Can Fit In Your Shoe).

And don't forget to stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks, or we'll send a monkey-bomb to your house.

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