For most of us, an apology actually means something. If you hurt somebody's feelings, laugh/throw things at a kid in a wheelchair or repeatedly violate a restraining order of a certain SOMEONE, you offer a heartfelt apology and move on with your life.
But for famous types who have lawyers and publicists, the public apology becomes an important business strategy, with all sincerity stripped away. We're talking about apologies like...
6Jason Giambi on the Subject of Steroids
Jason Giambi became one of the top hitters in Major League Baseball thanks to hard work, a little bit of luck and illegal steroids. In 2003, Giambi was named in the BALCO scandal, which accused him of receiving HGH, anabolic steroids and god knows what else from trainer Greg Anderson over the course of three years.
After details of this scandal were leaked to the public, Giambi had no choice but to address the media. While the baseball steroid scandal has been a long parade of carefully scripted attempts to deny culpability, Giambi's attempt at making amends set the bullshit stained high watermark. Forgoing an apology, Giambi dumped a large bag of horse manure on the notepads of USA Today writers. "I was wrong for doing that stuff," Giambi said. "What we should have done a long time ago was stand up -- players, ownership, everybody -- and said, 'We made a mistake."
"Steroids? However could we have known?!"
What Makes Him an Insincere Sack of Lies:
That mushy, sketchy wording of the apology was no accident; Giambi knew exactly what he was doing. In his contract, it stated that the New York Yankees didn't have to pay him another dime of his approximately $790 billion dollar contract if he admitted to illegal off the field activity. So instead he apologized for doing, "that stuff."
This raised a number of important questions: What stuff? And what mistake? But it turned out the real question was: Who gives a shit? Giambi got his money, and now children know that when they beat up a kid at school, they can pretend to take responsibility for their actions by apologizing for "doing those things."
"And I apologize for signing that awesome round thing."
Is this article stating that Jason Giambi is responsible for the well-being of children in America? No, of course not. But only because nobody gives a shit about baseball anymore.
5Governor Eliot Spitzer and Prostitute Ashley Dupre
In March of 2007, New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer, was forced to resign due to his involvement in a prostitution scandal. Details were leaked to the media that Spitzer met with a prostitute (Ashley Dupre) in February to have sexual relations, sing karaoke and play some foosball. Spitzer took to the podium and decided to come clean:
"I cannot allow for my private failings to disrupt the people's work," Spitzer said. "Over the course of my public life, I have insisted - I believe correctly - that people take responsibility for their conduct. I can and will ask no less of myself. For this reason, I am resigning from the office of governor."
Of course, Dupre had to get involved the apologies act as well; after all, there was press (and eventually, an interview with Diane Sawyer) to be had. In November of 2008, Dupre expressed her deep, complex, sorrow for Spitzer's wife, Silda Wall Spitzer. "I'm sorry for your pain," Dupre claimed she'd say if she could talk to Silda.
What Makes Them Insincere Sacks of Lies:
Let's take Spitzer's apology statement by statement, shall we?
"I cannot allow for my private failings to disrupt the people's work."
Hey, that's right. That's why, completely on your own, you broke it off with the prostitute and apologized to the voters. Oh, wait, that's not what happened. You fucking got caught. Had the details not been related to the media, you would have continued to serve as governor and lead the same creepy personal life.
"Over the course of my public life, I have insisted - I believe correctly - that people take responsibility for their conduct."
You were caught red-handed! You didn't take responsibility for a goddamned thing until you had no choice! The time to take responsibility was a few years ago, right before you made the decision to tell your wife you had to work late, and pay some socially retarded girl who's half your age for sex. The personal responsibility train left the station years ago, and you gave it the finger as you watched it leave.
"I can and will ask no less of myself. For this reason, I am resigning from the office of governor."
Also, has this observation already been made?
Oh, Eliot. You silly, silly man. The reason you resigned, and this has been well documented, is because you would have been impeached otherwise. Spitzer claiming that his resignation was due to honor is akin to a criminal being led to the electric chair and then declaring, "I'm now willing to die for my own actions!"
As for Dupre...wow, where to start. For one, its quite believable that you genuinely feel guilty about this whole saga. And surely your appearances had nothing to do with the record deal you were pursuing.