#3. A Lamp Post
So, imagine you are walking innocently down the street on an usually nice day in February. It's a few days after Valentine's Day and you still have warm, fuzzy feelings of love and tenderness skipping through your chest. Yes life is full of sunshine and rainbows. Nothing can ruin your day ... right up to the moment you run into an extremely naked man grinding a lamp post like the strip show from Hell itself.
Congratulations, you now know exactly how those school children and young women felt when they encountered this exact scenario in Wiltshire, England.
"Noone will ever believe me."
The nameless 32-year-old man, whose identity is being protected for reasons we are unsure of (other than to not be called a "lamposexual" in public) was soon arrested for "suspicion of outraging public decency." Suspicion? Really? Even with eye witnesses? Now we are curious to find out how much more detective work it would take to get a conviction on publicly boning a street lamp.
We would also like to take this opportunity to point out how England is dominating this list. Kind of adds a whole new layer to that Telegraph headline from earlier. "Extra! Extra! It's an American fucking an inanimate object this time!"
#2. A Park Bench
Late one night, a certain man was walking around Hong Kong, in the park, lonely and bored. So he did what many of the lonely and bored people on this list did, and found the nearest thing with a hole in it to fuck. Then he saw it: a park bench, with holes in it. And then he made the fateful decision to have bit of the old in and out with it. What's the harm?
This is the harm:
Yes, that video is totally accurate, his penis got stuck in the bench. His ill-advised boning adventure soon led to over a dozen emergency personnel attempting to rescue him, while trying to hold in the Nelson Muntz style laughter brewing inside each of them.
The doctors had to use needles to drain blood from the man's penis but, sadly for Xing, getting stabbed in the dick did nothing to stop the swelling and loosen things up, so the rescuers had to cut away the part of the bench that he was stuck to, and shipped him off by ambulance, where it took doctors a painfully long four hours to remove the sheet of metal from Le's dong, which he almost lost.
"Ew, gross, not her. I want what's under her. Hell yeah."
So, yeah, from beginning to end that whole thing was one big Worst Case Scenario. All because of a single, momentary, horny lapse of judgment. You'd think that would scare people of inanimate object sex forever, but there's at least one guy we're pretty sure is still going strong. His name is Edward Smith and he has sex with...
Edward Smith's love of cars didn't translate into a nice collection of rare vehicles, or a career as a mechanic. Oh, no, he's on this list because he wanted to express his love in a different way. Awww yeah.
Edward is one of a tiny number of people who are called mechaniphiliacs (only about 500 of them, as far as we know), and it's just what it sounds like. These are people that treat car washes like late night Cinemax movies, except instead of naughty inmates at an all-girls prison, it's seeing that dirty slut of a Scion get buffed nice and slow, just how papa likes it.
By Edward's count, since age 15 he's made love to around a thousand cars and he doesn't care who knows it (judging by the fact that he has done TV interviews about it).
Our research hasn't made it clear exactly how someone has sex with a car. Obviously you'd think of the tailpipe, but that would seem to create difficulties in terms of the positioning, especially for a car built low to the ground. And the car absolutely cannot be mounted while it's moving, as you'll see in this set of 30 photos of our attempt to demonstrate this.
[photos removed - Ed]
On top of all that, you'd always have that doubt in the back of you're mind that you're accidentally cornholing Optimus Prime.
The last guy you would want to date rape.
Edward's current fling is a Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, which instantly makes every Herbie the Love Bug movie ever made five times creepier. Other cars he's gave his mighty meat shaft to include: a 1993 Ford Ranger Splash he called Ginger, Cinnamon the '73 Opal GT, and a '69 Beetle which we are sure was probably the sluttiest car he's ever dated.
But cars aren't the only machine he's gone all the way with; he claimed in the documentary he totally had a fling with this helicopter one time. It's here that we're tempted to call bullshit on the whole thing, but really, why would somebody lie about that?
And sex sex sex (Cracked.com's Top Picks) sex sex sex.