Have you ever walked past a piece of furniture or some other inanimate object and thought, "Hey, that's got a hole in it. I wonder if I can stick my dick in there..."
If you have, you're not alone. Either due to bizarre sexual fetishes or just plain boredom, men have gotten caught screwing anything and everything. Some of which don't even seem possible. Take for instance...
6A Picnic Table
It says something about relations between the UK and America when the Telegraph publishes the headline: "American Caught Having Sex With Picnic Table." Seriously, does it matter where the guy was from? So what if one guy's pursuit of happiness took the form of sticking his schlong inside the umbrella hole of a picnic table. Do not such things transcend borders?
After all, isn't this the sort of thing that could happen to anybody? Maybe a girl had been there just moments ago, and rolled away at the last minute. Maybe it was dark.
These would all be reasonable suppositions if the story didn't say that the guy boned the picnic table on four separate occasions, and for hours on end. How do we know that? This would be thanks to the neighbor who secretly taped it each time ... also for hours on end.
Now, filming it the first time is understandable. You just want to have evidence for when the cops say, "There is no way some guy is fucking a table." But somewhere after the second time, the overall impression you givr off goes from "disgusted" to "intrigued" to "DAMMIT IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU TABLE DEFILING STALLION! LOOK AT IT, JUST BEGGING FOR YOUR MIGHTY LANCE OF FLESH!"
"If my dick was a carpenter, this is the table it would design."
But eventually the neighbor did turn the tapes over to the police, who arrested the perpetrator and presumably drew straws over which poor bastard was going to watch the hours of evidence. The man was charged with felony counts of public indecency because his frolic with the world's most vulnerable four-legged beast happened near an elementary school.
We're guessing this made for some long, awkward conversations between fourth graders and their parents.