The 5 Most Unintentionally Gay Horror Movies

#2. Jeepers Creepers II (2003)

Summary:

It makes sense that a man-eating monster might eat the occasional half-naked teenage boy. But when it's all he eats, the other monsters might start asking questions.

The first time we see the winged monster from Jeepers Creepers, he's preying on a young boy in a cornfield. Next, he targets a bus of mostly shirtless high school football players. Their team is called the Bantams, a name which prompts its members to sing lengthy songs about "fighting cocks" while the three token female students sit up the front, bewildered.

When the bus suffers a mysterious flat tire caused by a ninja star made of human body parts...


We weren't kidding. Surprise!

... the boys disembark and then take the opportunity to, uh, do this.

They also spend a long time urinating together, all the while accusing each other of being gay. The idyllic scene is interrupted when the monster starts hunting the team from the air, first carrying off the adults. The boys do what any other person would do after seeing three brutal murders occur in front of them: continue to accuse each other of being gay.

The monster eventually appears, winks at the boys, licks the glass and makes what can only be described as the world's most terrifying orgasm face.

Then he starts hunting them, and first kills a young man after ripping off his shirt. The half-naked corpse lies provocatively on the ground for the remainder of the film, the camera often pausing on it lovingly.

He continues to hunt down male victims, until he is shot and brought down by the father of the first boy he killed.

Best Quote:

"Thinking you're going to come onto me and every other swinging dick on this bus makes me nervous!"

Wait, Are You Sure This is "Unintentional?"

God, we hope so. The "creepy old monster preys on young boys" theme takes this one way past the homoerotic horror zone and into a whole different, leather chap clad territory. You see, writer/director Victor Salva, following the well-worn path of pederast filmmakers Woody Allen and Roman Polanski, was convicted of having sex with an underage boy in 1988. He was not allowed to be alone with children on set while filming this movie.


Victor Salva.

#1. A Nightmare on Elm Street II: Freddy's Revenge (1985)

Summary:

Freddy Krueger spends an entire movie trying to get into a young man's body.

Young Jesse, who has just moved with his family into a house on Elm Street, is suffering from intense dreams that make him wake up shirtless and sweaty, often times not wearing pants.

Jesse's habitual pantlessness continues at school, where he is always either at gym having his shorts pulled down, or else in the locker room, being tormented by a cruel coach. Eventually Jesse's friend, Lisa, finds a diary in his room that contains the story of Freddy Krueger, along with an erotic description of Johnny Depp.

That night, Jesse dreams of going to a bar, where he is ambushed by his leather-clad coach. The coach takes Jesse back to the school, makes the boy run laps and then shower while he watches. But don't worry, the coach gets his comeuppance in the most appropriate way possible: By being attacked by balls.


Balls balls balls.

Black balls, white balls, all different types of balls. The balls shower him, filling the locker room and bouncing in front of the screen as the coach cowers in a mixture of terror and fascination.

If you think we're stretching on the whole "slapped in the face by balls" thing, well, next he's dragged into a shower, stripped naked and whipped.

The next day at school, Jesse finds out that the coach really has been murdered. Jesse is disturbed about this, but not as disturbed as a few scenes later, when Lisa tries to seduce him at a party she's hosting. Lisa's come on (and not the revelation that he can kill people with his dreams) cause Jesse to totally freak the hell out. Like most teenage boys, Jesse expresses his anger by running away into one of his male friend's bedroom, declaring "someone is trying to get inside my body!" and then asking the poor dude to watch him sleep.

Disgusted, his friend falls asleep, so Jesse transforms into Freddy and kills him. He then returns to the party, where he first goes to kill a female. Just before slicing her up, he remembers that horror movie deaths are supposed to be a metaphor for sexual violence, so he turns away in disgust, goes outside and starts killing off male partygoers.

At this point, the movie switches to the more natural horror progression, with Lisa morphing into a "final girl" and convincing Jesse to overpower Freddy. Freddy, apparently realizing that Jesse is just not that into him, begins to lose power. Lisa kisses Freddy, which evidently greatly disgusts him. Freddy's skin falls off and Jesse is there again, revealing to the audience that the teenage boy was inside Freddy the whole time.

Best Quote:

The entire film.

Wait, Are You Sure This is "Unintentional"?

This film is the perfect storm of homoerotic horror: the "boys being stalked" theme mentioned above, coupled with 80s camp and topped off with a layer of extreme, pure, gratuitous capital "G" Gay.

There is nothing logical that can explain the level of homoeroticism in this movie. Rumor has it that the main part was originally written for a girl, but that doesn't come close to covering it. If Jerry Falwell had been right, and there really was a covert lobby trying to convert people to homosexuality through entertainment, the lobbyists would have seen the script for this film and said "Whoa, tone it down a bit, guys."

And here, perhaps, we get to the real cause of all the flaming homoeroticism in modern horror. Just as film makers figured young girls would like seeing cute guys wrestle around in tiny shorts, they also knew what would disturb young boys.

Just take all of those fears young men have when they are their most sexually insecure, and run with them. It's not just a movie about a boy being targeted by a male aggressor. It's a two-hour spectacle featuring crotch shots, giant snakes wrapping around faces, board games on shelves libeled "Probe" and giant rectums drawn on boards.

So either Wes Craven was intentionally pushing homophobic buttons, or his dream journal reads like the most disturbingly homoerotic piece of fanfiction on the Internet (a summary of which you can read here).



Read more stuff from C. "Sephira" Coville at her website.

Don't forget, they're trying to turn you gay through rap also! Check out The 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever. And check out which celebrities need to come out of the closet... the Scientology closet (see what we did there?), in The Top 10 Secret Celebrity Scientologists.

And go check out the totally gay boobs in Cracked.com's Top Picks.

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