ANGELINA JOLIE HAS BLEACHED HER ANUS: (A Cracked Round-Up)

This week at Cracked, we've been even more focused on celebrities than usual. Any respected journal of humorous opinion takes at least a few pot shots at the rich and the famous, but here we've raised it to an art form. Browse on, fellow readers, and remember; you're not a big-shot until newspapers are willing to give the front page over to articles about your back fat.


Bucholz starts our columns this week with an enlightening look into the rich inner life of Joaquin Phoenix that may or may not libel. Swaim puts out Cracked's first epic poem, (finally), dedicated to the most heroic pilot in the news this week, while Brockway threatens our editorial staff with a brutal beating. Finally, Gladstone bring us back to celebrities once again, with his heart-wrenching break-up letter to Regina Spektor. Swaim offers up some titilatting pictures of the world's sexiest billionare, as well as a prediction for Microsoft, while Daniel O'Brien finishes us off by asking the question on everyone's mind; Who the fuck is Tyler Perry? If you just can't get enough of the Cracked columists (and really, who can?) be sure to catch them liveblogging the Oscars, starting this Sunday at 8:00 P.M. EST, and ending when the last of them is arrested for throwing empty liquor bottles at passing vehicles.





T'WAS BRILLIG, AND THE SLITHY TOVES
When Politicians Attack; the 17 Most Violent Political Brawls.
Man, Ted Kennedy would dominate.


Notable Comment: POLLY, we heard your plea, and we're giving you a shot. "I usually only comment on these videos in the hopes that Cracked will one day realize my true brilliance and put me in a round-up, but today I have nothing particuallarly witty to say. Except that just_mi's penis is tiny. " Hmm. No. YOU HAVE FAILED. ARM THE LASER!



IT'S ABOUT TAKING MONEY
9 Real Life Mad Scientists.
Today, these proud scientists can finally look their detractors in the eye and say, "I showed you! I SHOWED YOU ALL!"


Notable Comment: Forums member Arkard answers the question on everyone's mind. "Why there is no Mengele here? You would be surprised how hard it is to get comedy out of soul-less Nazi mad scientists who performed gruesome experiments on children like sewing 2 together to make a siamese twin. Now, cruelty to animals: that's funny. "



YOU WILL DIE ALONE
5 Things You Think Will Make You Happy But Won't
Once again, David Wong cripples the souls of our readers with a striking condemnation with the American cult of fame. Also there are dick jokes.


Notable Comment:Berzerkerbinary shoots back a strong retort, "fuc that i want riches i dont care if im happy or not cus im already dead inside". At least you're honest enough to admit it, fellow broken soul.



VROOM VROOM BITCHES
8 Awesome Cars They Won't Let You Buy
Oh, to be eccentric plutocrats...


Notable Comment: McGaff23 expected us to take the low road, "Wow,the Cracked writers didn't comment that the GINA even LOOKED like a vagina?!?!? You guys are slipping." The New Yorker wouldn't have made that joke, and neither will we.



MYSTERY!
8 Humiliating Japanese Ads Starring Oscar Nominees
ASSJEANS!


Notable Comment: Rustytrombone shoots from the hip with this Ice Burn, "What about Bill Murray in that scotch ad? No, wait, that was a movie.. " Bold move, insulting Bill's indie movie career. Ballsy.





NET_WORK!
Ever Wonder What Happens After You Leave Work?
Torpey's Desk.


YOU YOU YOU!
20 Moments That Would Have Improved Great Movies
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Email Inboxes of Famous Fictional Villains.



Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

2.19.09:

Because the biggest problem in America right now is the existance of a coffee shop chain
by FloydotheGreat

Editor's pick:

Have you people ever thought of just... not buying the stuff?
by CavalierX

2.18.09:

Man conquered fire, woman put a goddamm leash on it, and then man kicked her ass at that too.
by Swaimfan

Editor's pick:

Yeah, that power might get you into the X-Men, but do you really think "Golden Donut" is a good super hero name?
by donarumo

2.17.09:

The Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse, Mental Anguish, was never quite as popular as the other 4.
by Paradoxtim

Editor's pick:

Don't shrink and drive kids.
by Archdevil0

2.16.09:

In the last Transformers movie Ford showed off the new Mustang, in the sequel we the get the Taurus.
by DamnitDog

Editor's pick:

This poor cow can't moo-ve
by henrystennett

2.15.09:

Curious George Experiments With Acid: for Ages 4 and Up
by Chimeros

Editor's pick:

Super Monkey Ball. Ask your doctor.
by Archdevil0

2.14.09:

The Bud Light Bitch wasn't nearly as popular as the Coca-Cola Polar Bears.
by alexgrau

Editor's pick:

Wow... This is how I celebrate Valentine's Day, too!!
by Fkelleghan

2.13.09:

We serve three flavors. Strawberry, vanilla, and fear.
by Tcannon

Editor's pick:

Cone-ibalism
by jonnyt

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