6 Dream Jobs That Would Actually Suck
How'd you like to get paid to play video games? Or watch TV? Or just eat?
You hear about these mythical jobs now and then, and maybe even run into somebody who has one of them. These people seem to be living in a magical land where a man can make a nice paycheck doing the things he would be doing if he had no job at all.
But before you go tell your boss to piss off and devote your life to getting one of these careers, know that there is a downside to each.
#6.
Video Game Play Tester
The Dream:
This is the job every boy wants when he's 13, and it is, in fact, real. Video game developers and companies will actually pay people to play video games all day, as that's the only way to track down bugs before release. And yes, "before release" means not only do you get paid to play, you get to play the games months or years before anyone else.
Did we say we dreamed of it when we were 13? Hell, this is the job we want now.
The Reality:
It's sort of like getting a job testing various sex lubrication formulas, only to realize that the goal is finding out which ones make your dick break out in an angry rash. The entire point of play testing is to find the parts of the game that are horrible, frustrating and broken, and play them over and over and over and over.
The life of a games tester is ruled by strict guidelines from the developers which condemns you to playing the same small section of the same game for your entire eight hour shift. Each time you hit a glitche, you write up a small treatise describing exactly how you found it. They'll try to fix it, you'll go back the same spot and play it over and over again to make sure. This goes on for weeks.
Also keep in mind that sometimes you won't even get to play games, but, rather, will be asked to test the hardware itself which includes such life-affirming assignments as turning the console on and off hundreds of times while carefully timing and documenting how long it takes to power-up each time.
Also, the "perk" of being able to play games long before their commercial releases is quickly corrupted when the realization hits that the further ahead of the release date you are, the more unfinished and irritating the product is to play.
Unfinished levels, features that are only halfway implemented, rampant bugs and glitches mean that by the time the game actually makes it to shelves, the very thought of it will make you break into a cold sweat and scream "FUCK YOU!" every time you pass an EBGames (if you don't do that already).
#5.
Brewmaster
The Dream:
Brewmasters are the head honchos of the beer making world. They create and decide which recipes to use, which beers to brew and bring to the market and strictly oversee the entire production process from grain to bottle. They also have the definite perk of often tasting the fruits of their labor as it's produced to ensure "quality control," or as we like to think of it, the ability to drink beer on the job without having to create a secret compartment under your desk to store it in.
The Reality:
As we mentioned, brewmasters are responsible for every step of the brewing process, at all times, to make sure that every bottle of beer is produced equally and without fault. Because of this, they often work 10 hour days, seven days a week, year round, constantly monitoring the brew and adjusting the recipes when needed.
Because brewmasters are working with unpredictable, natural ingredients like barley, yeast and hops, any slight variation of each has to be compensated for at each step of the brewing process so that the finished product always tastes the same to consumers. That means the brewmaster must keep an eye, and tongue, on each batch of beer at all times during it's production making the job extremely tedious and foul tasting, especially when you consider what a half-brewed beer tastes like.
Brewmasters and brewers work in factory-like conditions that often exceed 100 degrees Fahrenheit, are potentially dangerous and, because of the malted barley and roasting of hops, a stench not unlike the odor of urine continually hangs in the air.
Also, much of being a brewmaster is spent keeping the gigantic tanks and intricate pipe systems spotlessly clean of any dirt or grease build-up so as not to contaminate the beer. And to top it all off, malting of the barley produces rootlets that drip off and create a heavy, dense paste; a byproduct that is often sold as animal feed, which must be scooped out and stored away by, you guessed it, the brewmaster.
But after all of your hard work, drenched in sweat and body crevices lined with itchy malt waste, you get the distinct pleasure of tasting the sweet, ice cold beer that you produced for the final time, as it's bottled. Except, when it's bottled, it's noticeably warm and if there is even a slight variation of the taste from normal, the entire batch must be thrown away, dooming you to start the whole process all over again. Cheers!
#4.
Concert Promoter
The Dream:
Concert, or event, promoters are completely responsible for every aspect of staging a great concert from it's initial planning, to final production. That means they get to work out how big and flashy the show will be, what cities it will take place in, how much money to sink into it and exactly which bands will play. All of that gives them an inside view of the music business and allows them to dictate exactly how and when a concert will be staged.
They also enjoy the enviable perks of experiencing tons of concerts from backstage, partying with the bands themselves after the show and getting lots of those cool placards that VIPs get to wear around their necks.
The Reality:
How about this: During the concert season from March to October, the job typically requires 70 hour work weeks with absolutely no guarantee of any kind of paycheck. See, a promoter's salary is entirely based on how well the show they put on does, and whether or not it makes any profit. In the same league as being a professional gambler, a promoter can make as little as minimum wage (or less) depending on the concert's success after spending hundreds of hours planning and executing it. Also, because the occupation is very competitive and job openings are sparse, only the very few, absolute cream of the crop actually succeed and end up making any money.
As if that wasn't bad enough, that enviable perk of being able to meet and party with the bands we mentioned earlier is actually kind of a curse. It turns out that a lot of bands have very specific tastes and demands that must be met before they agree to go out on stage. These lists of requests are called "riders" and can involve tedious tasks such as sorting the band's M&Ms by color. Even after fulfilling all of bizarre stipulations on the list, concert promoters are responsible for the band's needs during and after the show as well.
So you end up not really hanging out with Aerosmith so much as acting as their servant by delivering their chicken tikka and Indian rugs, and pointing them to a local chiropractor. As if they'd really want to hang out with you anyway.
#3.
Stay-at-Home Dad
The Dream:
Stay-at-home dads, otherwise known as "househusbands," are becoming increasingly more common and accepted in Western society as more women eschew traditional gender roles and obtain independent and lucrative jobs.
Compared to stuffy office work or hard labor, the seemingly faux responsibilities of keeping the house tidy, and the kids fed, seems like it'd be a breeze that leaves lots of time for relaxation, masturbation and catching up on our soaps.
The Reality:
The first perceived perk of leaving a traditional job to be a househusband is that there is no longer a boss to deal with and you are now able to dictate your own schedule and tasks, on your own time. But in reality, the exact opposite is true. A stay-at-home dad has the most demanding, most obnoxious, rudest boss possible: a child. Babies and toddlers make unreasonable demands and give out impossible deadlines to meet at all hours of the day (and night). In fact, the job never ends. There is no time clock, no shift whistle and no drinks with the guys after work.
"Sorry guys, can't go out. Old Man Baby is being a real ball-buster, again."
This is an occupation that requires 13 hour days, for every single day of the year, and includes the necessity of being on call at all times, much like an emergency surgeon. Except surgeons make over $300,000 a year while househusbands only make what is essentially free room and board.
Although, even if you do manage to keep the job of househusband and turn it into a career, your wife is likely to fire you anyway... from the relationship. Apparently traditional gender roles exist for a reason, as many women instinctually lose respect for and attraction to their husbands because of the still deep-seated belief that men should be the protectors and supporters of the family. Shockingly, a grown man wearing an apron, holding a dustbuster in one hand and a dirty diaper in the other just ain't sexy.
#2.
Professional TV Watcher
The Dream:
You might be calling bullshit on this job, but we assure you, it does exist, and it just might be the greatest occupation ever. What other job allows, nay, requires you to watch TV all day while paying up to $12 an hour to do so? This "too good to be true" job is required by certain television productions including late night talk shows, news satire programs like The Daily Show, and other productions that focus on using clips and quotes from the world of television for comedic purposes.
Even companies like the Neilsen Service that keeps track of the ratings for every single television show hire professional couch potatoes to ruin their eyes for money.
The Reality:
The problem with watching TV all day, every day, is that you have to watch TV all day, every day. While eight straight hours of television every day for seven days a week may sound great if you're assuming you'll be tuned into shows you actually like, the reality is far harsher. With so many TV shows currently roaming the air waves, the odds of you being assigned to watch a show you enjoy are miniscule, especially if you're working for a comedy-centric clip show.
As with the video game tester, you're specifically watching horrible, grating TV as part of the job (since the best clips to make jokes about come from the worst, most horrible television shows ever broadcast--we're looking at you Tyra Banks). It's your job to watch every excruciating minute of them. We hope you really like LA based reality soap operas.
Say hi to your new best friends.
But it gets worse. It turns out those guys watching Oprah for eight hours a day have it good compared to the poor schmucks that work for the Nielsen Product Placement service. What is that? Well, you know when you spot a can of Coke or the Nike swoosh in your favorite TV show and curse underhanded corporate marketing techniques? Some people do that for a living.
They go to work to sit in front of a TV and literally count how many instances of product placement there are in various network TV Shows. How much of that could you stand before you were unable to watch TV at home without muttering "Toyota... Ford... Toyota again... " during every car chase on 24.
#1.
Food Taster
The Dream:
This isn't the job they had back in the old days, when a food taster was a person employed by rulers and other powerful leaders to screen meals for poisons (though some are paranoid enough to demand that even now). Food tasters today are most likely found working for food manufacturers to help them develop new products, or make sure existing foods taste as they should.
Almost every company in the food industry employs tasters who are paid to sample anything from wine to chocolate on a daily basis to ensure proper consistency. Some companies even allow the tasters to suggest and influence new recipes, essentially turning them into chefs who also get to eat the gourmet meals they create instead of having to serve them to the loud, non-tipping douchebags at table eight.
The Reality:
Modern food tasting is a science first and foremost, and is treated as such. All tasting takes place, not at a cozy intimate table for two, but in a sterile booth flooded with only red light, where meat is shoved through a hole in the wall.
Some tasters are more fortunate than having to taste underdone meat for a living and are able to enjoy making love to cheese and chocolate with their tongues for science. However, even when dealing with such delectable treats, tasting fatigue sets in quickly (essentially the tongue gets "fried" and can't taste anything anymore for a little while), especially when one considers the large sample sizes some tasters have to work through which can sometimes number into the hundreds of morsels.
And then there are the alternative foods and food projects that aren't so mainstream, but need testing as well. Companies have employed tasters to sample various types of mushrooms, measure escalating levels of "rancidity" in expired foods and even ingest flavored birth control pills.
Some people even make a living eating pet food. Yes that's right. Since dogs and cats evidently can't discuss the finer aspects of their palates well enough, it falls to borderline lunatics to give the stamps of approval before the kibble is served. One such taster, Simon Allison, even has a favorite dish: "organic luxury chicken dinner with vegetables for cats".
If you're not suitably grossed out by that, keep in mind that many of these foods include "animal by-products", which can include feathers, animal fur and diseased, cancerous organs determined to be unfit for human consumption.
"Hey, you've got some good fur in this batch."
We aren't finished destroying your career aspirations. Check out 5 Jobs You Wanted as a Kid (And Why They Suck) and The 5 Most Overrated Jobs Of All-Time, and then go turn in your TPS report.
And visit Cracked.com's Top Picks so we can give our "link tester" a break from his depressing job.
I was a Nielsen Product Placement show writer, not only did you have to watch a horrible show, you had to spot all products, and then write questions. It was terrible I lasted 4 months...and totally gave up watching television for almost 4 years.
Reply#3 is sadly true. My good friend was a stay at home dad after he survived cancer. After 25 years his wife booted him.
Replynot really sure what you think the Nielsen's do but they don't hire professional tv watchers. they use a sampling of something like 20k homes in the US where they pay the families maybe $1000 for the whole year to flip on a box when they sit down to watch tv so it can tell some computer that they are watching and which family members are present. it also reads the time and the channel to know what show is being watched.
ReplyYou're a moron. I'm a brewer, and your assessment of brewing and brewers is about as far from the truth as possible. Clearly, you have never even toured a brewery let alone have any understanding of the career brewer. I work forty hours a week, have equipment for cleaning tanks and am very comfortable at work. I normally take a light sweater because the brewery is normally around 60something degrees and, being a small chick, get cold in that temperature range. Life for brewers is not nearly as hard as you think. Do your homework and get a job that you like instead of hating on the sweet ones.
ReplyHaha the games tester part reminded me of a reviewer for PC Gamer UK back in the 90's. He was the new guy at the time and the editor made him do reviews for the s****y games. I remember that he didn't like the month where two cricket games came out.
ReplyI don't think I've ever dreamed of any of these jobs, but I now wouldn't mind being a playtester or TV watcher. Then again, I'm not really a gamer or TV fan to begin with. There's just a part of my brain that enjoys repetetive, tedious tasks. As for having to watch terrible, grating TV all day? Sounds like any day spent indoors with friends, might as well get paid for it.
ReplySorry, next time Cracked writes an article, they'll check with you first to make sure it is totally catered to your individual taste.
I want to work at a creative studio, preferably oddworld inhabitants. You'd just draw up concept art or design story elements all day, and get payed for it, that's like getting payed to day dream.
ReplyHi, I'm Brian and I brew for a living. The entry here has a lot of truth but some inaccuracies too:
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYes, at the average microbrewery, the head brewer is responsible for every aspect of the process, from ingredient acquisition to brewhouse operations to fermentation/cellar work to packaging, and that's not even including any accounting, inventory, marketing or distribution practices. Thankfully, even the smallest brewery generally has somebody doing the books and distribution work, and some volunteer/part-time b***h to help with packaging and tank cleaning. In spite of all that, though, the average brewer - head, master or otherwise - generally works 60+ hours every week, and in some cases basically never stop when you consider promotional events at local bars and the like. I spent last year running a brewery overseas, and because the owner didn't invest in another brewer for several months, I worked 16-hour days 5-7 days a week just to keep on top of everything. It was exhausting, bone-breaking work, and I didn't get much appreciation from the owner for it. At my current job, I work a standard 40-hour week, but those hours are all packed with constant work without much in the way of a break (or even standing still for more than a minute at a time). And, unless you start a new Sierra Nevada or something, you'll never, ever get rich as a brewer. Pay generally ranges from "adequate" to "sucks balls through a straw."
Speaking of "exhausting, bone-breaking work," brewery work is very physical and industrial in nature and, as a consequence, often stupidly dangerous. If you want to brew beer for a living, get used to running up and down flights of stairs, moving heavy weights (25kg bags of malt, 20kg boxes of hops, CO2/O2 tanks, full kegs, etc.), shoveling spent grain, squatting down to hook up hoses, that sort of thing. And brewing has all the dangers of working in a factory and then some: Pressurized steam, used to heat kettles and sanitize kegs, will happily give you horrible burns. Hot water, used to sanitize lines and clean tanks, will do the same. Pressurized gas can explode, or pop off a regulator and turn a tank into a missile. Heavy machinery is everywhere, with all the risks that entails. And concentrated caustics and acids are used in cleaning and sanitizing tanks, which if mishandled can seriously injure you. Even the dust from the malt mill can be explosive, given the wrong conditions. One of my coworkers has hands so hard and eroded by chemicals that he no longer has fingerprints. I've seen the aftermath of a yeast brink overpressuring and firing its manhole door off like a missile, destroying equipment 20 feet away and pushing the tank itself back so violently the legs (foot-thick stainless steel tubing!) were bent like straws. So, despite what some people think, getting drunk is not exactly common practice at breweries because it can easily get you killed.
It's not comfortable or glamorous work either. All that physical labor sucks when it comes to your back and your hands. Breweries are generally hot as hell, especially if you work at a small enough place that you have to stir the mash yourself. Your clothes will get wrecked by beer, yeast and chemicals, not to mention the swamp nuts you'll go home with on a daily basis. The article is incorrect about the smells ("roasting hops" is downright nonsensical), but you'll have to deal with things like the funk of spent grain, old yeast and, if you brew them, lager fermentations, which typically smell like the worst broccoli fart you can imagine due to the sulfur output. And a very small proportion of your time is spent actually brewing beer: About 80% of your time will be spent cleaning. Cleaning tanks, cleaning pipes, cleaning kegs, cleaning the packaging line, cleaning floors, cleaning spent grain out of the lauter tun, cleaning hoses... even cleaning something as mundane as a bucket is of paramount importance. After brewing, a beer requires constant testing and monitoring, and after that you might end up centrifuging, filtering and/or pastuerizing before it goes to the bright beer tank (where you figure out how much you owe Uncle Sam) and, ultimately, to packaging. And while it's fun to talk beer to the customers and the public, your distributors and contract brewers are generally total nightmares to deal with. After all that, the pay generally ranges from "adequate" to "sucks balls through a straw," especially if you're starting your own enterprise.
If this all sounds like it sucks, it's a small price to pay for a job with some of the greatest fringe benefits and overall satisfaction possible. It's hard work, but I'd give up a thousand desk jobs to stay in the brewing industry.
Do you have this saved on your desktop or something?
you might consider writing an autobiography of the strangest times at your job-- I didn't know brewing was this crazy; hell I would buy that book.
I halfway agree with you. I work as a brewer, and all of the burly manly-men of the industry told me it would be back-breaking work. I weigh about sixty pounds less than a keg, and manage just fine. Our contract brewers are f*****g awesome dudes too!
I couldn't help but notice that astronaut wasn't on this list...
Replyand it shouldn't be. Being a space frontiersman seems like its own reward. f*****g astronauts man, they're balls deep in awesome.
#3, those relationships probably didn't work out for various other reasons.
ReplyBut it also does point out that raising children is FREAKING HARD WORK. How people still expect women to come home from an 8 hour shift and do everything like they had just stayed at home all day to take care of the children still surprises me.
My father stayed home, and he is currently a house husband ("H-squared") since my sister and I "left the nest." He knitted, sewed, cooked, gardened, painted, photographed. Mom is a lawyer and was the breadwinner for our family. I have to say, Mom got SO MUCH more grief and prejudice as a working mother than Dad did as a stay-at-home father. Also, he didn't do much "work" since we were at school most of the time... and the rest of the time, he kind of ignored us unless we specifically needed something.
ReplyI dated an event promoter, and yes he would talk about the fact that it was hard work, but he would also talk about partying with Social Distortion and Mötley Crüe. Whether or not you get to actually party with the bands depends entirely on how cool the members are with it.
Replyi read that and STILL would love to be a brewmaster.
Replyi had a friend who was a concert promoter- and yes, it was hard! some of the things the talent wanted was ridiculous- they would want thousands of dollars worth of commendations, some things of which i was pretty sure they just added to the rider for the hell of it, and if the talent doesn't think you met their requirements, they were likely to have a tantrum of some sort.
but the perks were awesome.
Having interviewed several brewmasters from small scale breweries for a documentary, I must say I've yet to meet one that didn't love their job. They love the taste of beer at every step from the wort to the finished product, they love the smell, and they usually do their job with ocd levels of obsession.
Reply"Shockingly, a grown man wearing an apron, holding a dustbuster in one hand and a dirty diaper in the other just ain't sexy."
ReplySays you.
No pain no gain, and this jobs has lesser pain compared to the other jobs
ReplyAbout the stay at home dad part;
ReplyI respect men who stay at home with their kids (assuming it's not because he's a lazy or workforce incompetent fuck). I think it takes balls since general society doesn't look too kindly on men who stay home and most men have trouble letting their wife/girlfriend be the breadwinner. I personally would love to come home from work with the house clean, chores done, and dinner cooking thanks to my stay at home husband.
Respect and desire to fornicate with are two very different things. There's also the concept/emotion dichotomy that tends to lead women especially into thinking something is a good idea because it makes logical sense without considering how their emotions aren't necessarily subject to said rationale.
Hell, I still wanna be a video game play tester.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesyeah, I knew all about the game tester job, its the first step into the industry.
Do it. Pay can hit as high as $27 an hour, with free meals and medical/dental/vision.
I don't know what kinds of game testing jobs you guys are talking about. The chances of you finding a game testing job that pays 27 per hour with free meals and benefits is next to none. If such a job does exist, its not going to be for the average game tester, who is just a disposable commodity. It will be for someone much higher on the food chain with much more responsibility and experience.
LOL "life-affirming assignments"
ReplyI knew that video game testing was awful, but I thought you had to play the whole game over and over again, not just certain parts. It's even worse than I had originally imagined now.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesIt isn't as bad as the article makes you think. Ever play a game like Fable, and save the princess, but wonder what would have happened if you let her die? Or just never saved her? You could play the game again, or load an earlier save, but most adults just don't have the time to play a game 5 times through. Testers do. Someone out there has ran through that quest 15 times, doing all possible actions. Let the princess wander off a cliff. Stab her in the butt til she dies. Save her, then kidnap her again. Working for a small cellphone gaming company would be worse, but games like Oblivion, Fable, Call of Duty, pay anywhere from $10 an hour to $30 an hour, for experienced testers. Throw in health insurance, free games, free food (sushi and steak, not skittles and fritos)! and you're looking at a pretty sweet job. Also, few people test for a career- its normally how you get your foot in the door. All in all, all jobs have their setbacks, but as a tester I average a free game a week, haven't bought groceries in a month, and make more than an assistant bank manager. all to play playstation games all day!
A game like Fable? Not a fan of it at all, but there is no princess to save... Do you mean Zelda? Yeah, two syllables. Hard to understand. Sorry that game-testing has done that to you :(
@Gastro Death- That's what "A game LIKE fable means." Not Fable. Good job reading there, sonny boy. Get back to your troll cave.
@gastrodeath - implying Zelda is an example of lots of possible options. Also implying zelda is the only game that features a princess. Good job.