Cracked Round-Up: Highway to the danger zone! (of Comedy)

That's right folks, we're revving up our engines of humor and listenin' to that howlin' roar of laughter. We've got metal under tension that's just beggin' us to touch and go.

...

Wait. No. Is that seriously the lyric? "Metal under tension?" Really? Man. This is kind of a shitty song.

Anyway, as we've been doing lately, we're going to highlight our favorite topic page of the week. This week, read about Marvel Comics from the people who know. (Us.) Put together by DCD, the Marvel page has, without a doubt, more information about Marvel Comics than you can reasonably tolerate.


This week Gladstone is back, and offering advice that you desperately need in order to live. Meanwhile, Swaim threatens a child's life and gives Valentine's advice for the miser at heart. Bucholz writes about pot and sports stars, while Daniel O'Brien brings us closer to Christian Bale than we've ever been before.



GRUESOME AND ENTHRALLING!
6 Popular Fashion Trends (that killed people)
And you thought spandex was bad.


Notable Comment: FirstClassHeel says, "After seeing that foot binding thing, I now feel a whole lot better about being a girl with size 10 feet." You sicken us, monster-footed she-devil.



TO HELL WITH YOU, COPPERS!
7 Items You Won't Believe are Actually Legal.
Not that we advocate drug use and explosives.


Notable Comment: Spock Lemoche says, "Great Article. But get your fact rights. The temperature of the fun is 5778 Kelvin (9940 Fahrenheit). So 2500 Fahrenheit is a bit more than 1/4 the temperature of the sun. " You are correct, Spock, but we're still going to make fun of you for your little spelling error. Surface of the fun? HA HA HA HA.



HOW DO I OPEN DOOR?
The 11 Most Unnecessary How-To Guides on the Web.
Proving once more that there is too much free time in the world.


Notable Comment:User hermit didn't find this information so useless after all. "I've been snapping my fingers the wrong way all of my life. thanks wiki. "



MAN ON MAN ACTION!
5 Real-Llife Soldiers who make Rambo Look Like a Pussy.
No matter what you do in life, it won't come close to being as badass as the men in this article.


Notable Comment:User asianpork speaks for us all, "Wow. I just became 45% less man after reading that list of white hot badassery."



THE TRUTH IS REVEALED!
Six Everyday Words with Disturbing Alternate Meanings
This list is obviously bogus. Several of our writers own cottages and none of them...oh...


Notable Comment: DB3300 enlightens us all, "... please look up the definition of alliteration. Clue: Little Lucy likes lesbian love." That might be the best English lesson we've ever had.



GLORIOUS FAILURE!
7 People Who Never Gave Up (but absolutely should have)
If at first you don't succeed, try again until your life is a shriveled waste of its former self.


Notable Comment: Poster weirdly takes umbrage at our description of his hero, "Hiroo Onoda shouldn't be considered crazy, he actually performed his sworn military duties with honor and complete commitment. When he did return to Japan he was given a hero's welcome." That's all well and good, but the man hid in the jungle for thirty years fighting a war his side had already lost. If he wasn't crazy before, he's crazy now.





NET_WORK!
If You Could Call the Past on the Phone
Now with emotions!


HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE!
13 Worst Possible Ad Placements.
This article proves once more what terrible people the Cracked readers are. Do you have a creative mind? Basic motor skills? Photoshop? Then enter our next contest for a chance to win 50 big ones, and all the fame and notoriety the Cracked name can provide. Check out this thread to become a famous Internet comedian and join us on our journey to a terrible world where Valentine's Day cards are honest.



Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

2.5.09:

Tentacle Rape Ahead
by RunningFast

Editor's pick:

Thank god they put the sign up. I can never seem to find the octopus room on my own.
by SamLowery

2.4.09:

A little known fact. Man conquered fire, but woman put a goddamm leash on it.
by xgrendelx

Editor's pick:

She's landing that plane way too close to those children.
by donarumo

2.3.09:

Predator vs. Illegal Alien
by CavalierX

Editor's pick:

If Predator was really such a great hunter he'd know to take down that sign
by lapyx

2.2.09:

You laugh, but he's nailing a hybrid of Mary Jane and Queen Amidala.
by GaseousClay

Editor's pick:

Uncle Ben Kenobi would be proud.
by Archdevil0

2.1.09:

The Mexican Space Program
by deaved_wrath

Editor's pick:

Economic hardship hit the Decepticons as well.
by jekelish

1.31.09:

What the Fuck! You're not bustychick69!
by fozzy-bear

Editor's pick:

If this is the audience, what the hell is the parade about?!?
by Leaf

1.30.09:

Happy Happy Funtime Daycare
by GhostRunner

Editor's pick:

All the sharp blades in the world aren't going to distract women from your tiny hands
by Least

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