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What's wrong with kids these days? Not enough, apparently, since grown-ups seem to feel the need to just make shit up. Even the flimsiest evidence can convince parents and lazy journalists alike that there is some new, horrible threat to our moral character. Often these turn out to be grossly exaggerated. Or, as in cases like the ones below, completely fucking retarded. #6.
Comic Books
We Heard About It From: The Evil Genius Dr. Frederic Wertham. The "Threat:" 1954 was a different time in America. The streets were safer and kids played just about anywhere they wanted. Coca-Cola was only five cents a bottle and every kid had a comic book rolled up in his back pocket. There were superhero comics, crime comics, romance comics and horror comics. If you forget the rigidly enforced social rules, the racism, bad haircuts and constant threat of nuclear annihilation, the early 50s were a pretty sweet time to be a kid. And then this fucker showed up to ruin everyone's fun.
Fredic Werthem was a respected psychologist who fought to integrate the mental health care system, refused to serve in a racial-segregated army and was a pioneer in working with troubled youth. Having conquered all of the real world problems, he then decided to devote his life to bullshit. During his time working with young offenders, Wertham noticed that many of them were fans of comics. Forgetting his education and lifetime of experience as a scientist, Wertham assumed that comics must be somehow responsible for the trouble these kids were in. His 1954 book, Seduction Of The Innocent, outlined what he saw as the depraved effect of comics on kids. Granted, some comics in the 50s--especially the horror comics published by E.C. Comics--were pretty gruesome.
But Wertham didn't just go after stories of cold-blooded murder and busty dames. Oh, no. We went after the superheroes, too. In his mind, Wonder Woman was a lesbian who got off on bondage (we wish!) and horror of horrors, Batman and Robin were actually gay lovers. His evidence for Batman being gay? He wore a dressing gown. Honestly. That, combined with the fact that he had flowers in his house and had a butler, were proof to Wertham that Bruce Wayne and his young ward Dick Grayson were performing Bat-sodomy behind the scenes. The lynchpin of Wertham's case against the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder (okay, that does sound a little gay) were panels like these:
Hey, if two dedicated crime fighters can't spend a little time under the tanning lights together, then something's gone terribly wrong with the world. Leaving questions of Batman and Robin's perversions aside, Seduction Of The Innocent was a huge bestseller and the tempest that Wertham stirred up led to the end of horror comics and the introduction of the Comics Code, which basically meant that superheroes lost what little balls they had left, and Batman always kept a discreet distance from Robin- at least in public.
But it wasn't all bad. E.C. Comics, faced with the cancellation of all its horror and true crime comics, threw all of its effort into perhaps the single greatest corrupter of America's youth: Mad Magazine. Mad Magazine then led to the publication of Cracked, which eventually led to this very website. So, the next time you're enjoying an article about sexy cartoon characters you can thank the overactive gay-obsessed imagination of one Dr. Fredric Wertham. #5.
Rainbow Parties
We Heard About It From: The Queen of Believing Anything, Oprah Winfrey. The "Threat:" "Rainbow Party." Doesn't sound too bad, right? It could be a coloring party for kids, or a house decorating get-together. Maybe some kind of friendly gay pride thing. But no, according to a guest featured on the Oprah Winfrey Show, rainbow parties were wild, oral sex parties that were being held by teenagers all over America. At these orgies, each girl would wear a different shade of lipstick and as they each serviced a lucky guy in sequence, it'd leave a "rainbow" of colors on his dong.
The story was so widely believed that sex educators across the country started to investigate. Simon & Schuster quickly published a young adult novel imaginatively entitled Rainbow Party to warn of the non-existent danger. Don't bother reading it. We flipped right to the end and the party never happens. Turns out the girl's dad comes home early, so the party gets canceled. Fucking douche!
It didn't matter, the damage was done. Once the teen literature industry dips its filthy beak into something, the moral panic is on. But alas, as awesome as these parties sound, they turned out to be absolutely, tragically, untrue. According to that wicked cool newspaper for kids, The New York Times, sex educators couldn't find any evidence of even one rainbow party having taken place, ever. Teens were aware of the slang, but no one had ever been to an actual Rainbow Party. And that's remarkable because it just sounds so totally plausible, and not like something a 15-year-old boy thought up during a masturbation fantasy. Relieved, the busybodies of the world went back to worrying about their neighbor's uncut grass.
#4.
Jenkem, A Drug Made of Poo
We Heard About It From: A bunch of dumb local TV stations and a bunch of dumber local sheriffs. The "Threat:" Could American kids ever sink so low that they would actually suck on the fumes from raw sewage to get high? If you're an American kid, you're probably saying no. If you're a small town cop who hates teenagers or a lazy local television reporter, you'd say "hell, yes!" It started with a message board post from a kid calling himself "Pickwick" (Shitbreath was already taken) where he claimed to have made and tried the poop fume drug "jenkem," a practice that supposedly originates from Africa.
Soon the boys in blue at the Collier County Sheriff's Office took action. They released a law enforcement bulletin claiming that "jenkem is now a popular drug in American schools" using the pictures that Pickwick had posted.
The only problem, besides the idiotic assumption that because one kid in the country may have tried it, it was now "popular in American schools," was that Pickwick made it all up. His "jenkem" was actually a mixture of flour, water, beer, and Nutella. Nevertheless, the story spread like a foul stench through local media outlets and sheriffs' offices, until parents were told they should smell their kid's breath for shit when they came home. There is still no record of anyone in the U.S. doing this for real (that we can find). Here is where you'd be tempted to scold the rumor mongers for planting the idea and thus encouraging kids to try it. But we're guessing even with detailed instructions most of you wouldn't be tempted to start collecting fermented shit in your closet. Not for this, anyway. |
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What the hell happened to personal responsibility? Maybe these kids were s**theads because the parents suck. But no, people have to grab at any straw they can to make their poor pathetic excuse for parenting skills seem not so, what's the word? Dumbass-ish?
D&D has taught me more about true morals like honor and compassion than mainstream culture has.
I need to make another point: a real "Fundamentalist Christian" is a Roman Catholic. We were here first, so Orthodox and Protestants are the spin-offs. Still either accepted or tolerated(Orthodox priests are allowed to give sanctioned masses to Roman Catholics, and vice versa), but spin-offs nonetheless.
Dude, did you know Cracked is, depending on your definition, either a spin-off or a rip-off of Mad magazine?
This'll blow your mind too: Christianity, all of it, is totally a spin-off of Judaism. In fact the Old Testament is pretty much the same as their Tanakh, they both even start with chapters about a certain 80's band. Kidding! About the band part, the Jew thing is true. That's why it's mostly about Jewish people, like Moses and David, in case you ever wondered.
We should totally be having rainbow parties, while listening to backward Judas Priest
and after we should play D&D!
Back when I was a kid we rigged a turntable to play backwards and found that on Prince's 'Purple Rain' there is a message that says something like "Hello, how are you? I'm fine 'cause I know the lord is coming soon". Very creepy...
and we thought we were done being stupid after Salem. it just goes to show that we will forever be morons as long as morons exist.
There is an evil, child-abusing cult in Oregon. But it's called "The Followers of Christ," so the fundies aren't getting worked up over it.
A Rainbow Party would make your dong look more like it got puked on by a clown than an actual rainbow.
I need to bring up a point here:
1) Most people (example: Bernadette) talk about the "public" face of the Church of Satan. The actual Satanist means of worship, however, are almost never mentioned, mostly because the irrational hatred of Christianity is so widespread that offenses against it usually aren't reported.
The actual Satanist method of worship is an hour-long ritual called a "Black Mass" (the parody is deliberate). It revolves around two pieces. First, at least one Eucharistic wafer is stolen, either from the Sacristy, or pocketed during a Christian Mass. Then, at 3:00am, the Satanists gather around and do their level best to perform the exact opposite of a Christian Mass.
The climax is the point at which Christians go up to receive the Eucharist. Instead, the Satanists gather around the Eucharist, and proceed to defile it, usually by taking turns to piss, s**t, and c*m all over it.
Black Masses are common enough that it is now standard practice to keep the Sacristy locked at all times, and priests are now encouraged to learn to watch for sleight-of-hand tricks to prevent theft.
Um.
Who cares?
wow! you into theology? or just know that much about Satanism
@DrScarecrow: You should care. While the main focus of a Satanist's hatred is Christianity, they are very open about their desire to eliminate all other religions-a very similar goal to atheists, in fact. The big difference is that atheists believe it is their duty as "Deity-Free" humans to bring the truth to the opiated masses. Satanists believe that Satan himself commanded them to destroy all other religions.
@Thiefenz: Yes, I am very interested in theology. I mainly focus on actual methods of worship and the reasoning behind them.
whoa whoa whoa!!!!!! Atheists such as myself do not want to eliminate all other religions: we just want them to stop being such f**king s**theads about their religion. E.G. Christian morons bombing abortion clinics, Muslim extremists killing others OF THE SAME RELIGION, and the "fact" that God made the world.
OK, Ritual Abuse is real. The insane panic that happened over it in the 80s is what contains the bulls**t. There are satanic cults that abuse children, but it's BS that they steal this kids from schools or daycare. Ritual abuse occurs within families, like most abuse, because there the abuser the most control. Practitioners of ritual abuse are usually insanely smart (unfortunately) and very well connected, so they don't get caught... like, ever. Plus, after the whole 80s scandal, no one is going to believe ritual abuse survivors anyway. It's by no means an epidemic, but it does exist.
And where exactly would you be getting this information? It strikes me as odd that you follow up the "ritual abuse is totally real OMG" with "but no one knows who practices it." In other words, links or it didn't happen.
About Rainbow Parties... I don't think lips, dicks, lipstick, or b*****bs work that way. You wouldn't get the nice, distinct, parallel rings Oprah is picturing. The best you would end up is a greasy grey mess on your dick. Maybe if you got blown by a group of performance artists it could work...
Wait...you censored "b*****bs"?
Blowjobs, but not dicks. Interesting.
Props to the Rainbow Party part... I remember my friend telling me (sounding incredulous) that her mother had asked her how many rainbow parties she had gone to. Not "have you" but "how many"! It's kind of unsurprising that when my friend asked "what the hell is a rainbow party?" her mother assumed she was playing dumb.
Though it's sometimes a blessing that this woman doesn't do her research— she heard our friends joking about bukkake once, and asked what it was. We told her it's a Japanese tea ceremony.
If you play one song backwards (by either the Bee Gees or B-52s... I always get them mixed up) it says "oh no, you're playing the record backwards. I hope you don't break your needle."
Weird Al did that twice. One was in Nature Trail To Hell (In 3-D) where at one point, if you play it backwards, you clearly hear the words, "Satan eats Cheese Whiz!" and the other was in I Remember Larry where reversing the song clearly reveals, at one point, the lyrics, "Wow, you must have an awful lot of time on your hands!".
how do you listen to a cd backwards?
I think there´s programs to do that.
Yeah, and if you bump NWA's albums backward they always have messages that say "respect authority" and "eat your vegetables."
Honestly, I don't even know why I'm posting this because you'll have to do something the internet rarely can: take my word for it.
Aside from computer programs, there are cd players that allow you to play your CDs in reverse.
I did it with Pink Floyd's The Wall, but all I found was backwards music (CRAZY) and Roger Waters telling me that I couldn't hear him. Seriously. If you want me to prove myself message me brah, I'll do it.
Werthams accusations about Wonder Woman were pretty accurate. Look up Wonder Woman on Wikipedia and you'll see why. everything else was bulls**t though.
Man, the D&D one... My dad is a fundamentalist Christian, and he regularly watches TBN, the televangelist station. Several years ago I found him sleeping in his chair in front of the TV, and some ridiculous show about demon possessions was on. Basically, it was a hilarious attempt, which sadly probably worked, to convince the Christian viewers that this homely, middle-aged woman was in fact possessed by demon, right there in their live studio audience. How convenient! You could tell she was possessed, because she was talking in a growly voice, through gritted teeth. That's the mark of the devil.
Fortunately, the man in charge knew just what to do. We're treated to the actual footage of this woman being exorcised, which is apparently really easy. You just read one verse out of the bible over and over, using different tones and volumes, and lots of pointing and badass gesturing. When she was "cured," she told them that the reason she had been possessed was because some lady came to their house and got her family playing Dungeons & Dragons. So there you go, guys. Proof right there that that game comes with way more risks than never losing your virginity.
What gets me is the fundies are still pushing this D&D is evil bulls**t. It is like they are stuck in 20 years behind in what to get everyone in a panic about.
When even Anne Coulter calls BS on this...
at least DnD is a bazillion times better than WoW
Last I checked Satanism is real, though I'm positive it is not a widespread secret conspiracy against Christianity. I do however feel it is a disappointment in religious practices, only for the fact you are worshiping the deity of evil in an existing religion. from the practices I've seen (on TV cause I'm Christian and would probably be stoned in even my scholarly approach) all of the practices are harmless; even if it's bible has any ability to say summon demons or the devil himself, they haven't decided to cause any remarkable damage (except rap music advertising and lawyers these seem to have grown in power and must be culled immediately)
I used to be more than a little wary of Satanism, despite being religiously open (compared to most). Then I took an Anthropology class, and did some actual research instead of being taken in by all the sensationalist bull.
There is an official Church of Satan website… which is apparently sanctioned by the founder of Satanism. So I'm thinking it's a pretty good representation of what this religion is about.
Basically what I'm seeing is a religion that's rejecting Christian hypocrisy, and then working from there. Now—that's just a theory of mine, in an attempt to explain why they chose Satan. It has more to do with the whole Lucifer "light" bringer, and the quality of truth especially, I think, but I'll admit that I'm not truly in the know.
What I DO know is, one of their rules is, "do not harm little children". …They also go on to say, "When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him." I found this kind of amusing, since it sounded a bit melodramatic, but hey, at least they're honest.
those are sound rules. it would depend on whether or not "bother" stands for "threaten" that's the only time I feel the need to "Destroy" (eviscerate) someone. Since I consider myself Christian I am still apprehensive to assume Satanism as a true religion, I just don't agree with the defamation of my own beliefs. other than that as long as they aren't killing people, torturing or anything like that, I will keep a neutral outlook on it. otherwise I'd finally have a reason to "destroy" some people
I remember the shit drug thing. Even if it was true, the only people who would do it are retards who should die anyway (Darwinism). Since only fucktards would inhale shit fumes.
Speaking of shit (as in free shit) http://bit.ly/12w7ZV
Ah yes, the good old days. I recall that back in the 50s that I was told by my Sheriff that real men only smoke cigs and cigars and if I wanted keep my job as a deputy that I had better not ever be seen smoking a pipe again as only homosexuals smoked pipes. By the way, this attitude that pipe smoking a pipe was a sure sign that one was homosexual stayed on in law enforcement for years.
Oh yeah, back then if you were gay it meant that you were light hearted & happy but not drunk & out of control.
Rainbow Parties? Oprah? Two retarded things going hand in hand/lard.
It seems that Oprah has some kind of an anti-sex, anti-male agenda going on, as well as a large tree branch up her fat ass.
There are reasons why I will not give that bitch any sort of attention. When I was younger and in elementary school, my grandmother would babysit me and my sisters, and whenever Oprah was doing a show that was badmouthing men and/or promoting feminist causes, I was forced by my grandmother to watch it.
I remember shows about the Take your Daughter to Work Day, on it, she made comments on how boys should never be included - ever.
Then there was another where she proclaimed that only feminist men should be allowed to raise children.
Screw Oprah. (not literally of course)