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The 11 Most Unnecessary 'How To' Guides on the Web

#5.
How to Drive

The day anyone learns how to drive from reading about it on WikiHow, is the day we abandon the road entirely.

Most Important Step:

Step 1: "Get a driver's or learner's permit, if your state requires one."

FYI, there's only one state in the US that doesn't require a learner's permit: New Hampshire. So keep that in mind while walking around the streets of New Hampshire, a certain percentage of drivers just climb behind the wheel, utterly unfamiliar with the concept.

Then we get to step five: "Watch others while they drive and ask questions." The unspoken second half of that sentence is of course, "... and stop relying on WikiHow articles to learn how to avoid the deaths of many pedestrians, you madman."

Most Important Tip:

"Remember that the person in the car behind you cannot read your mind."

Well that's good, because when driving the only thing going through our mind is a mental image of us ramping our car over a row of school buses and a ring of fire.


"Vrrrrroooooommm!

Most Important Warning:

"Don't stop suddenly."

Really? Ever?

Related Article You're Likely To View Next:

"How to be a better driver."

Damn it, you skipped that "watch others while they drive and ask questions" step, didn't you? Step one of this one is, "check the vital signs of the man wedged in your bumper."

#4.
How to Blink Well

"Believe it or not, many people are incapable of advanced and controlled blinking." Of course those people likely have a serious disorder of the central nervous system, but if not here is a helpful guide.

Most Important Step:

First, you need to exercise your eyes, and then the blinking can commence. After that, the most important steps in the learning of "Advanced Blinking" involves timing your blinks. And note, "if your blinking is over 100 blinks a minute, a doctor may be needed." So to recap:

99 Blinks per minute = Normal ocular behavior.

100+ Blinks per minute = See a doctor. Maybe.

If you want to live your life like every room is equipped with a strobe light, that is your own decision and you should weigh all the positives and negatives.

Most Important Tip:

"Have a blinking buddy to help you time your blinking while you are doing everyday things, like chores or walking."

Yes, get your pal to follow you around the mall, counting off the seconds until you may blink again. Maybe have them follow you with a bullhorn shouting "BLINK... . BLINK... BLINK... "

Also, "Don't blink too hard or too lightly."

Basically if your blinking sounds like somebody clapping, you're doing it too hard.


Almost. Don't worry, you'll get there.

Most Important Warning:

"Make sure there are no sharp items in your eyes while you blink."

But only "while you blink." Any other time, fuck your eyes.

Related Article You're Likely To View Next:

"How to Maintain Good Eyesight."

We're guessing it involves having a friend follow you around day and night saying, "Can you see that? How about that? What about that thing?"

#3.
How to Count Sheep

We know what you're thinking. You've got sheep packed into your yard as far as the eye can see, but how is counting them any different from counting anything else? Well, this one is about counting imaginary sheep to get to sleep. You might think this kind of thing would require no instruction at all, but of course this article was written for some purpose, right?

Most Important Step:

Nope. The first steps involve imagining sheep.

There seems to be a lot of leeway, as they encourage you to visualize the sheep however you like. So, if you want to imagine each sheep as Scarlett Johansson's boobs, go right ahead. Also, the fence they're jumping is made of boobs.

Most Important Tip:

"If there are lots of sounds around, imagine some cows in the distance making that sound."

Right, cows that honk. And smash beer bottles, do burn outs with their rubber hooves and scream obscenities at their exes in the front yard.

Most Important Warning:

"Counting aloud may make you look foolish and may distract others."

No shit? Good thing we read that, before we settled back on the plane and started screaming out sheep numbers at the top of our lungs.

Related Article You're Likely To View Next:

"How to Treat Insomnia."

You'll go running off to this one after you realize the whole counting sheep technique is a big pile of bullshit.

#2.
How to Use a Computer Mouse

"Do you continually 'miss' your target link when browsing the web?"

That's the question this article asks, while managing not to open with the question: "Are you controlling the mouse with your dick?"

Most Important Step:

"First make sure the mouse is connected..."

Or don't, and just call your IT department, because they surely never get tired of this one. Just make certain to be as rude and ignorant (and obviously old) as possible, to brighten up their day.

"Place the mouse so that the buttons are at the 'top', away from you, with the cord (if there is one) going away from you."


"Ooohhh."

Most Important Tip:

"If the mouse isn't working properly for you ... find out if your computer isn't frozen."

Your impulse to start bashing your keys every time the mouse cursor stops working was correct!

Most Important Warning:

"Computers can cause serious muscle injury if used improperly."

Look, we've avoided mentioning the obvious masturbation innuendo up until now, but come on. How can they make it any clearer?

Related Article You're Likely To View Next:

"How to Clean a Mousepad."

Okay, that's just gross.

#1.
How to Pet a Cat

"Petting a cat may sound simple," but remember, attempting anything without a written online guide can result in untold death and dismemberment.

Most Important Step:

"Get down to your cat's level."

Like, all the way down?

Also important is, "cats sometimes do not want to be petted," and "stop petting the cat right away if at any point his/she [sic] hisses, scratches at you, or attempts to bite you in a non-playful way."

See, this is why you don't want to get "to your cat's level." That fucker will go right for your eyes.

Most Important Tip:

"Many cats will walk or run away from a stranger who walks toward them. If you stop and crouch, they will often turn around and walk to you."

See, at this point they assume you're immobilized and will be easy prey.

Most Important Warning:

"If a cat bites or scratches you, let it cool off before trying to pet it again."

Perhaps try letting it cool off at the pound, after you've exchanged it for a nice dog.


Or...

Related Article You're Likely To View Next:

"How to Communicate With Your Cat."

Next one after that: "How to Cope With Living In a Trailer With 200 Cats."

For more retardedness from the Internet, check out 7 Retarded Food Myths the Internet Thinks Are True. Or see what those WikiHows would look like if they had arms, legs and were incredibly crazy, in The 5 Worst Sources of Advice on Television.

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