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The 6 Most Pathetic Attempts to Get Super Bowl Tickets

#3.
Willing to Trade "Hugh" Stone Ring

On the surface, this Craigslist ad seems plausible enough. A man wants to trade a hideously ugly diamond ring for two Super Bowl tickets.

Among the features listed are a total diamond weight of 3.21 carats (to quote the ad, the stones are "HUGH") and a vow that "YOU ARE NOT SAFE ON ANY STREETS WITH THIS RING ON...:)." That's probably true, provided you're also wearing a lime green suit and drinking from a bejeweled chalice. Trust us, the police frown upon outdoor pimpin'. It's safer to do that in private.


Man, that ring would look perfect right here. Chuuuch!

But something about the promise that the ring comes with an authentic appraisal, valuing it at $5,600, raises one important question: Why not just sell the fucking ring?

Sure, there is a slight chance that somewhere out there, some enterprising Super Bowl ticket seller is looking to unload their bounty on that special someone who can provide them with the perfect piece of jewelry to complete their Slick Rick starter set.

It's like they say: If Roy Horn found another gay tiger-tamer to love him, anything is possible. And yes, someone does say that, look it up. But anyway, why wait around for magic like that to happen? Most people selling Super Bowl tickets are asking for cash in return. If the ring is worth that much scratch, pawn that bitch and have a blast in Tampa!

But things get even more suspect later on in the ad when the ring owner states that "SCAMMERS AND CON ARTIST WELCOMED....:)." We're not quite sure what to make of that, but we have a feeling the final transaction will involve a plastic ring from a Lil Jon Halloween costume being exchanged for a slip of paper that says "SUPER BOLL TIKETS" in crayon.

#2.
Got Tickets? Destroy My Car!

Man, Super Bowl XLI (featuring the Indianapolis Colts and the Chicago Bears) really brought out the best in people. That's the game the "paint my unborn child" lady was trying to get into, and this is the second of three entries on this list from desperate fans trying to get into what was destined to be a mediocre game (was it because of Prince?).

It's no coincidence that, if we had tickets, we probably would have given in on all three.

This one comes from a Canadian guy who was willing to destroy his Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra in exchange for tickets. We know what you're thinking, and surprisingly, the answer is yes. They do have cars in Canada. Who knew?


Downtown Toronto.

The other thing you're thinking is what in the hell a ticket-holder would have to gain from watching this sad man destroy his own shitty car, unless you had some kind of weirdly specific sexual fetish for that kind of thing.

Well, according to the article, the guy also offered to let whoever provided the tickets destroy the car themselves, if they chose to. Now that's a barter we could get behind. Sure, it would be much cheaper to just go out and buy your own shitty Cutlass to destroy, but then, you're not destroying some other dude's car. That's way more satisfying--as the legions of crazy ex-girlfriends in the world can attest.

The only catch is you'd better ask for plenty of documentation of ownership, as it seems like there's a pretty good chance you're going to be taking a sledgehammer to this guy's neighbor's car.

#1.
Woman Auctions Herself

In what has to be the most wildly successful Super Bowl ticket scheme of all time, a Los Angeles area Bears fan named Sarah Spain posted an Ebay ad offering to be some lucky fan's date to Super Bowl XLI.

She already had airfare and a place to stay, she just needed a dude misguided enough to think that coughing up a ticket would lead to anything other than a female filling the seat next to him, and filling the game with long, awkward silences.


"I sure am looking forward to not having sex with you."

At one point, the bidding reached an obviously not serious $99 million. And that's when Axe Body Spray stepped in. Rather than have a hot chick see even one dream go unfulfilled, God forbid, they gave Sarah four end zone tickets to the game. One for her, two for her friends and one for a guy she would choose as part of a contest they would run.

In the end, some dude named Alan Shahtaji emerged victorious. According to Sarah, when asked if he would miss any of the game to get her and her two friends beer, he replied that he absolutely would not. This, apparently, was what put him over the top. Chicks truly do dig assholes.

Since her time as an Axe Bodyspray promotion, Sarah has gone on to a gig with mouthpiecesports.com and has been featured in a commercial with Bears kick returner/wide receiver Devin Hester.

We're not saying that being a hot chick is like winning the lottery every week. We're just saying keep this story in mind when Rent-A-Center confiscates your 52" LCD due to nonpayment. We're guessing no feminine body spray manufacturers are going to come riding to your rescue.



Adam writes for ScenicAnemia.com and is favored by 6 points in Super Bowl XLIII.

For more ridiculousness from Craigslist, check out The 10 Most Sexually Unappealing Craigslist Postings and The 10 Creepiest Craigslist Casual Encounters.

Or, visit Cracked.com's Top Picks to see what our top picks are for the Super Bowl (warning: That was a lie).

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