The 6 Most Pathetic Attempts to Get Super Bowl Tickets

So you're a football fan who's desperate to get your hands on some Super Bowl tickets. You can't afford to buy any without selling your car and two major organs, and you have absolutely no other useful possessions, or even skills, to offer the world.

What do you do? You post a sad, desperate plea on the Internet. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. But either way, Cracked will make fun of you.

#6. Woman Sells Ad Space on Pregnant Stomach

There are some fantastic wives in this world, and then there is Jennifer Gordon. At eight months pregnant, a time when many women would be raining down hellfire on their husbands for even daring to watch football, she hatched a foolproof plan to get her and her man to Super Bowl XLI in person. Hell. Yes.

All she had to do was go on the Internet and offer to paint any message on her pregnant belly in exchange for Super Bowl tickets. Wait, did we say the plan was foolproof? We think that was the wrong word.

Naturally, being that this is the Internet, the offers poured in. Would she get off merely having to paint her belly to look like the Death Star? Or some 4chan meme, such as a dude in an afro saying, "VAGINA'S CLOSED"? Or, would she find herself at the 50-yard line with "THE DADDY COULD BE ANY OF SIX NAMELESS HOBOS" stamped in giant letters on her abdomen?

After sifting through over 200 offers, many of which were described as "wacky" or "X-rated" (who could have predicted that?), she got off with merely having to advertise a Chicago-based company called (auctions? On the Internet? Why didn't anyone else think of that?!).

eBay already shotgunned the fetus. lamely just had her put the logo on her belly, passing up countless opportunities for meta humor, ie, "BID FOR MY VIRGINITY AT UBID.COM!" You got off easy this time, Jennifer Gordon.

#5. Troy Polamalu Lookalike Will Bang Your Wife

With this guy we go from real fan dedication to whatever you call the opposite of that. In the whole universe of people offering extraordinary stuff in exchange for tickets to the big game, we have this Craigslist posting. What does this guy have to offer? Well, you know, whatever. On the short list of mundane tasks he's willing to take off your hands: shoveling your snow for a year, fixing your pipes, driving your kids around or repairing your computer.

That's right, for the ultra-low price of just relinquishing your multi-thousand dollar Super Bowl ticket, he will, literally, perform hundreds of dollars worth the mundane tasks.

Of course none of that would qualify him for this list on its own. No, it's his casual offer to "bang your wife" that he throws on the same list as "repair your computer" that we admire. It's hard to imagine a scenario where this would be useful, or at least useful to the tune of being worth giving up seats at the Super Bowl. We can only think of one:

The wife is a huge Steelers fan. The husband hates football, but was going to be dragged to the Super Bowl after his wife got tickets. So one day before the game, he leaves the wife home alone. She gets a knock at the door, and opens it to see this dude standing there in his number 43 jersey. "Ma'am, I'm Troy Polamalu, of the Pittsburgh Steelers. I cannot explain why, but I need your Super Bowl tickets. And I will do anything to get them. Anything. Oh, please excuse me, my Troy Polamalu dong has just slipped out of my pants."

Everybody wins.

#4. Please, Help a Poor Family Out

These are tough economic times. The stock market is struggling, unemployment is kicking all sorts of ass and, lately, Cracked has taken to paying its writers in unused credits. But do lean times have to mean people miss out on a trip to the big game? Of course not.

Take this destitute family's Craigslist posting, for example. The headline says it all: "need Super Bowl tix for me and my 3 kids - We are poor."

And just in case that plea didn't tug on the ol' heartstrings enough to get people to give up their tickets for free, the ad went on to explain that the hard-luck family would pay $5200.00 for the four tickets.

My destitute family thanks you for your kindness.

Apparently, between the time the ad was first run and now, someone asked why they wouldn't use the five grand on, say, food or rent. The post was then edited to confess that the whole "poor" thing was an exaggeration. Oh and, apparently, this heart-of-gold schemer doesn't have kids either.

No, you misunderstand, I meant that I'm morally bankrupt.

So it was a pretty good plan, except for... well, every word of that stuff we described up there. But if you'd like to send a wealthy fuckstick and three friends to Tampa, that offer is still on the table.

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