8 Customers Everyone Hates

#4. Cellphone Shitheads

Distinguishing Characteristics:

Either a) Glued to a cellphone, or b) Having the appearance of a schizophrenic engaged in a one-sided conversation with themselves.

The advent of personal communication devices has given birth to a relatively new species of horrible customers: the Cellphone Shithead. Apparently there are people who have not caught on to the fact that talking on the phone in a store is both obnoxious and extremely rude. Sometimes they will up the ante, and choose to engage in a phone conversation while simultaneously ordering food, paying for said food and ultimately eating food, all while giving a play by play to the poor bastard they're talking to.


"Let me just call my bro and tell him I'm eating."

Seriously people, we don't want to listen to you shouting at your phone through a mouthful of hamburger. The Cellphone Shithead's coup de grace, however, is when they have the audacity to give the "just a minute" finger when you ask them "how can I help you?"

Suitable Punishment in Hell:

A bluetooth permanently grafted to skull, but the only person on the other line is Fran Drescher.

#3. The Ticking Timebomb

Distinguishing Characteristics:

Steam billowing from ears, hooves.

As soon as T.T.T. comes through the door, you sense a disturbance in the Force. You feel the wind shift and realize that there's a storm coming, one that's about to rain an ungodly amount of shit on you and everyone within earshot. The Ticking Timebomb enters with an enormous chip upon their shoulder, and its only a matter of time until they snap.

Try as you may to please this customer, they'll find something to explode with rage over. Oh shit, the cold cook forgot to hold the onions on the salad, here comes the hurricane. The Ticking Time Bomb has now transformed into the Fire-Breathing Dragon of Rage. Sure to be insulted are: you, the restaurant, the food, the prices, the service, the management, the consistency, the wait, the lighting, the music, the bathrooms, that horrible smell and how weak his wife's margarita is.

And being that the customer is always right, you have no choice but to bend over and take it like this is Cell Block D. Nothing you do can possibly console the F.B.D.R., and your only hope is that he'll punch you in the face so that you can a) karate-chop his ass, or b) sue him for punitive damages.

Suitable Punishment in Hell:

There is an entire circle of Hell devoted to these people, and their punishment is that they have to live around each other.

#2. The Procrastinator

Distinguishing Characteristics:

Blank stares, preoccupation.

When you arrive at a business establishment and begin your journey through the line towards the register, it is wise to take advantage of this free time and figure out what the fuck you want to eat. The Procrastinator, however, finds this concept foreign.


"Apparently I've been in some sort of line. Huh."

Seriously, you've been waiting in line for ten minutes now--just now-- you notice there's a menu? All this time, the Procrastinator's been too occupied texting, rocking out to his iPod or chitchatting with his stupid friends. The world starts and stops at the Procrastinator's convenience and, when the Procrastinator is your customer, there is not a damn thing you can do about it.

Suitable Punishment in Hell:

Spending the rest of eternity in a line waiting to get into Heaven, while some guy at the front of the line forever tries to decide what color robe he wants to wear.

#1. The Dinosaur

Distinguishing Characteristics:

Crotchety behavior, dementia.

Don't get us wrong, there's actually quite a few cool elderly folks, like Grandma from Garfield. For some however, keeping up with the times seems as pointless as watching Deal or No Deal. Meet the Dinosaur, who among other things doesn't seem to realize that inflation is a very real and constant thing, prices adjust over time and that's that.

Unfortunately, the Dinosaur believes that there is a worldwide conspiracy involving inflating prices in order to scam them out of their pensions. But that's not all. This conspiracy also includes you personally removing or replacing the old products that they've grown so fond of. Why would they show patience for companies putting a fresh face on their products every now and then, when they can tell you that "Goldbond hasn't changed their packaging for the last hundred years, and they're doing alright."

But if there's just one concept that the Dinosaur cannot grasp, it's the fact that you, the lowly clerk, have absolutely no control over what is on the shelves. Of course bitching at you is like a parent going to their child's elementary school and complaining about poor educational standards to the janitor. They're talking to the wrong person; you could honestly give less than a shit. But you can't tell that to them.


Not even close to giving a shit.

Suitable Punishment in Hell:

Forget hell, just force them to live in the future. Or Tokyo.

For more people to hate, check out The 5 Worst Sources of Advice on Television. Or find out what science has to say about our number one in 6 Obnoxious Old People Habits (Explained by Science).

And stop being such a jerk and go to Cracked.com's Top Picks.

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