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Be it from asteroids, nuclear war or global warming, our society is obsessed with the end of the world. It's our thing.

By far our favorite apocalypse scenario is the Christian one that says the Antichrist will rise up, take over the world, start a planet-wide war and trigger a series of supernatural events so bizarre you'd need several huge hits of LSD to fully appreciate them. That only leaves the big question: Who is this Antichrist guy?

As we speak, apocalypse enthusiasts everywhere are busy trying to answer that question. So far they've made vigorous cases for...

5
Ronald Reagan

Sure, at times it seemed like the Alzheimer's set in about halfway through his presidency, but overall Ronald Reagan got a free pass and was generally well liked. Hell, he won 49 friggin' states in the 1984 election.


"Ooh, I'm Minnesota, I'm better than everyone, oooh." Get over yourself.

What His Accusers Have To Say

As usual, numbers come into play. It's said that the Antichrist will carry the Mark of the Beast (666). Where was Rockin' Ronnie's mark? In his name, of course, Ronald Wilson Reagan. That's six letters in each name, folks. 666. But it doesn't end there.

People have come up with an entire laundry list of other reasons why Reagan was the Antichrist. They range everywhere from the stupid (Revelation 13:3 - "One of its heads seemed to have a mortal wound, but its mortal wound was healed" refers to James Brady?) to the very stupid (Revelation 13:2 - ".... its feet were like a bear's ...." refers to the state animal of Reagan's adopted home state of California).

Pros:

Six letters in each name.

Survived a mortal wound (although not to the head).

First Lady wore a lot of red.

Moved to a house at 666 St. Cloud Rd. upon retirement.


What are you hiding under that hat, Ronnie? Horns?!

Cons:

Never blasphemed God.

Was most definitely not succeeded by Christ.

Was not homosexual (as far as we know).

Kind of a shitty actor. We expect more from the Antichrist.

The number of the Beast probably isn't even 666.

Our Verdict

First of all, every person with six letters in each of their names does not qualify as the Antichrist. Mad Magazine associate editor Jerry DiFusco suggested that the E in Alfred E. Newman stands for Enigma. Alfred Enigma Newman. Do the math. Is this the face of the Antichrist?


Well, we certainly think so.

As you'll find with most people on this list, while there may be a few striking coincidences, there is actually a list of twenty-seven characteristics that the Antichrist must possess. While a simple stretching of the truth could make Reagan fit into some of them (you know, he did speak boastfully!), he falls well short on many others. Too many others to even list, in fact. Sorry, paranoid left wingers, Ronnie ain't yer demon. Keep your eye on that Newman fucker though.

4
Mikhail Gorbachev

The New Coke to Reagan's Pepsi, Gorbachev's ultimately failed attempts to reform the Soviet Union made him so popular on the world stage that it's no surprise books hit the shelves at the height of his power declaring him to be the Antichrist.

It seemed so plausible in 1988. A reformed, sprawling, thriving, atheist Soviet Empire? The prophecy is fulfilled! Run for the hills!

Then the Soviet Union sputtered into collapse, and that was that.

What His Accusers Have To Say

It's a cruel irony that the guy who went to the negotiating table with Regan to help bring the world back from the brink of nuclear Armageddon so frequently got accused of being the Antichrist. You know, the guy who was to bring about Armageddon.


Raise your hand if you're the Antichrist. Hah! Gotcha.

Actually, it's not irony at all, it's prophecy! As this site so helpfully points out, it's the peace itself he helped bring about that marks him as a devil:

"The modern peace symbol is, in fact, a satanic symbol called the "Cross Of Nero" (Nero was a Roman emperor who was infamous for his ruthless persecution and murder of Christians). The symbol is an inverted, broken Christian cross in a circle and is supposed to signify the defeat of Christianity (see Bob Larson's book, Satanism, p.109).

This represents how peace in the modern world is a false, antichristian peace."

Man... we're skeptical on the whole, but, if there's some kind of argument to be made against that logic, we'll be damned if we know what it is. Check and mate.

But even if the lack of nuclear annihilation wasn't enough of a warning sign to you, just check out the forehead:


Though, we suppose it could be worse.

As this site informs us, "Many have mentioned that 'mark' on his forehead. The Bible does say in Revelation that the Antichrist will require everyone to 'receive his mark in his forehead, or in his hand.' (Revelation 14:9)"

Don't you see? It has the words "mark" and "forehead" right there in the prophecy! And he has a mark on his forehead! Shit!

Pros:

Charismatic leader

Worldwide popularity

Ruled an enormous empire

Weird thing on his head

Cons:

Looked like a huge pussy compared to previous Soviet leaders

Was instrumental in making the whole Armageddon thing not come true

Our Verdict

If we were in the apocalyptic books market in the 80s, our personal theory would have been that Reagan and Gorbachev were both the Antichrist. We're thinking that between the two of them they surely filled all of the criteria, combining to form a sort of anti-Christian Voltron. We could have made millions off that theory.


"And I'll form the apocalypse."

But here's the one we're going with now: With the largest empire in the world under his command, along with a nuclear arsenal that could destroy the planet hundreds of times over and the ear of every world leader... we're thinking that Gorby was actually supposed to be the Antichrist. He simply fucked it up.

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3
Pope Benedict XVI

Joseph Ratzinger, who goes by the stage name "Pope Benedict XVI," is one of the most popular current candidates for the role of Antichrist.

He hasn't really been in place long enough to have racked up any kind of track record of wrongdoing. Sure, there have been plenty of pedophile scandals, but he kind of inherited that problem. And there is the issue of him having been a member of the Hitler Youth. Granted, at the time, joining the Hitler Youth was a requirement for boys of his age, and by most accounts he wasn't too happy about it.


Doesn't he look happy?

But who lets fact get in the way of a good scandal?

What His Accusers Have To Say

If you Google "Pope Benedict XVI Antichrist" the first result you come across is the mysteriously named website www.popebenedictantichrist.com. Seems like a good enough place to start. Among the evidence they cite is Revelation 17: 7,9 - "The seven heads are seven mountains, on which the woman sitteth." If you're asking "What the fuck?" keep in mind, Rome sits on seven hills, apparently. Does this mean any Pope in the history of forever fits into that description? Yes, yes it does. But JoeRat is the Pope right now, so it has to be him, right? And he's apparently a woman also.


Look at him, clapping. Just like the devil.

Pros:

Has no regard for the desire of women

Different from other kings (a Pope from Germany?)

Worshiped by many people, sort of

Looks creepy as all hell

Cons:

Has yet to change the calendar

Seems to dig the religion of his ancestors

Vatican Military probably couldn't accomplish much

Arrival on the world scene not accompanied by miracles

Our Verdict

Antichrist revealing is big business. Don't believe us? Check out this site which would love to sell you a book explaining why "The Pope" is the Antichrist. Which Pope? Whatever Pope sells you the book, they don't really specify. There probably hasn't been a Pope for several decades that wasn't accused of being the Antichrist. Nothing about this Pope makes him any more likely to bring about your destruction than anyone who preceded him.

He does look pretty fucking scary though.


"If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed."

2
Roman Emperor Nero Ceasar

Sure, damn near every U.S. President for the past couple of decades has had their name thrown into the Antichrist hat, but through the ages, no name comes up more than former (obviously) Roman emperor Nero Ceasar.

And he's certainly got a decent amount of atrocities under his ancient belt to make him seem like the kind of dude that might sign on to come back someday and end the world. That he once tried to kill his mother by sending her off on a defective ship he built shows a dedication to excessively elaborate plans for destruction. His appointment to the status of emperor at an age (16) when most dudes are still pining for that first hand job and peppering every other sentence with the word "fail" shows he's a real go-getter. Nobody has ever accused the Antichrist of being lazy.

What His Accusers Have To Say

One of the biggest signs that point to Nero being the Antichrist is the number 666. According to people capable of pulling off numberless Hebrew translation magic of this sort, 666 is code for the name Nero Ceasar. The earliest text to point to Nero as the Antichrist is Ascension of Isaiah, which includes the tasty line "lawless king, the slayer of his mother,...will come and there will come with him all the powers of this world, and they will hearken unto him in all that he desires."

Even though the boat thing didn't work out, he did eventually slay moms. And he was unusually harsh towards Christians, like any Antichrist worth his hellfire would be. Maybe there is something to this?

Pros:

Name translates to 666

Slayed his mom

Mean to Christians

People liked him, a lot

Cons:

No kick ass bar codes on follower's hands

Never claimed to be God

Didn't make anyone worship Satan

Appears to just be a stone head on a stick in most pictures, not much potential for future destruction


Good luck bringing about Armageddon without a nose, dipshit.

Our Verdict

Preterists, the people who tend to believe Nero was the Antichrist, also believe everything in the Bible is history. So, the tribulation, the coming of the Antichrist, everything, has already happened. What the fuck? If the world already ended, what's all this we're doing now? The post-game show?

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1
Barack Obama

Throughout the most recent presidential campaign, claims of Barack Obama being the Antichrist were so rampant that at one point Snopes.com even felt compelled to step in. But damn, he wasn't even in office yet. What could people possibly be basing a claim like that on?

We're not completely sure and we're not going to make any outrageous claims about the "Obama is evil" crowd. Oh, before we forget to ask, have you ever seen one of those movies where people are in court and someone yells out something like "you're a bunch of racist fucksticks!" and someone objects and the judge advises the jury to ignore that outburst even though he knows they can't because it's already been said and the jury clearly heard it? Just asking.


"Okay, everyone pretend you didn't just hear the phrase 'racist fucksticks.'"

What His Accusers Have To Say

Ok, it's not all racism behind the Obama as Antichrist talk, sometimes it's just buffoonery and conspiracy theory babbling. If you check out that Snopes link, you'll note that approximately two sentences into the email that we probably all received at some point last year, it's noted that the book of Revelation says the Antichrist will be a Muslim. No, it actually doesn't. But even if it did, Obama isn't a Muslim. Sure, we know that, and you probably do also. But we all probably know someone who thinks they are. Don't bother arguing, they read it at Free Republic.

But there are those accusers who shy away from the Muslim claims and head straight into New World Order conspiracy mongering.


Not quite.

Without fail, where there are Antichrist accusations, there are usually New World Order allegations close behind. Every U.S. President on this list has been accused of trying to usher in a New World Order at some point. We're so tired of hearing about it, we kind of wish it would just fucking happen already. Converting currency when you travel is kind of a bitch anyway.

Pros:

Well liked, promises change

Different from other "kings"

Rose from obscurity

Cons:

Just about everything else

Our Verdict

If Obama hopes to become the Antichrist, he's got a lot of shit left to accomplish first. Until all of that happens, we're not buying it. And while he doesn't seem to fit the profile... isn't that what the Antichrist would want us to think???!?

We're getting so sick of hearing about the end of the world from these people we're pretty much ready for it to just happen at this point. Just get it over with already. We're clearly never getting our flying cars, beholding a pale horse may be just as awesome, provided it can fly.


Who's a cute little sign of the Apocalypse? You are! Yes you are!



Proof that Adam Brown is the Antichrist can be found at ScenicAnemia.com.

If you're not sure why you should be afraid of people who believe this shit, check out The 6 Most Utterly Insane Attempts to Kill a US President. For some guys who skated the line between good and evil and then did a sick nose grind on it, check out The 5 Biggest Badass Popes.

And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks because we know you aren't going to church today anyway.

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