Be it from asteroids, nuclear war or global warming, our society is obsessed with the end of the world. It's our thing.
By far our favorite apocalypse scenario is the Christian one that says the Antichrist will rise up, take over the world, start a planet-wide war and trigger a series of supernatural events so bizarre you'd need several huge hits of LSD to fully appreciate them. That only leaves the big question: Who is this Antichrist guy?
As we speak, apocalypse enthusiasts everywhere are busy trying to answer that question. So far they've made vigorous cases for...
Sure, at times it seemed like the Alzheimer's set in about halfway through his presidency, but overall Ronald Reagan got a free pass and was generally well liked. Hell, he won 49 friggin' states in the 1984 election.
"Ooh, I'm Minnesota, I'm better than everyone, oooh." Get over yourself.
What His Accusers Have To Say
As usual, numbers come into play. It's said that the Antichrist will carry the Mark of the Beast (666). Where was Rockin' Ronnie's mark? In his name, of course, Ronald Wilson Reagan. That's six letters in each name, folks. 666. But it doesn't end there.
People have come up with an entire laundry list of other reasons why Reagan was the Antichrist. They range everywhere from the stupid (Revelation 13:3 - "One of its heads seemed to have a mortal wound, but its mortal wound was healed" refers to James Brady?) to the very stupid (Revelation 13:2 - ".... its feet were like a bear's ...." refers to the state animal of Reagan's adopted home state of California).
Six letters in each name.
Survived a mortal wound (although not to the head).
First Lady wore a lot of red.
Moved to a house at 666 St. Cloud Rd. upon retirement.
What are you hiding under that hat, Ronnie? Horns?!
Never blasphemed God.
Was most definitely not succeeded by Christ.
Was not homosexual (as far as we know).
Kind of a shitty actor. We expect more from the Antichrist.
The number of the Beast probably isn't even 666.
First of all, every person with six letters in each of their names does not qualify as the Antichrist. Mad Magazine associate editor Jerry DiFusco suggested that the E in Alfred E. Newman stands for Enigma. Alfred Enigma Newman. Do the math. Is this the face of the Antichrist?
Well, we certainly think so.
As you'll find with most people on this list, while there may be a few striking coincidences, there is actually a list of twenty-seven characteristics that the Antichrist must possess. While a simple stretching of the truth could make Reagan fit into some of them (you know, he did speak boastfully!), he falls well short on many others. Too many others to even list, in fact. Sorry, paranoid left wingers, Ronnie ain't yer demon. Keep your eye on that Newman fucker though.