Be it from asteroids, nuclear war or global warming, our society is obsessed with the end of the world. It's our thing.
By far our favorite apocalypse scenario is the Christian one that says the Antichrist will rise up, take over the world, start a planet-wide war and trigger a series of supernatural events so bizarre you'd need several huge hits of LSD to fully appreciate them. That only leaves the big question: Who is this Antichrist guy?
As we speak, apocalypse enthusiasts everywhere are busy trying to answer that question. So far they've made vigorous cases for...
#5. Ronald Reagan
Sure, at times it seemed like the Alzheimer's set in about halfway through his presidency, but overall Ronald Reagan got a free pass and was generally well liked. Hell, he won 49 friggin' states in the 1984 election.
"Ooh, I'm Minnesota, I'm better than everyone, oooh." Get over yourself.
What His Accusers Have To Say
As usual, numbers come into play. It's said that the Antichrist will carry the Mark of the Beast (666). Where was Rockin' Ronnie's mark? In his name, of course, Ronald Wilson Reagan. That's six letters in each name, folks. 666. But it doesn't end there.
People have come up with an entire laundry list of other reasons why Reagan was the Antichrist. They range everywhere from the stupid (Revelation 13:3 - "One of its heads seemed to have a mortal wound, but its mortal wound was healed" refers to James Brady?) to the very stupid (Revelation 13:2 - ".... its feet were like a bear's ...." refers to the state animal of Reagan's adopted home state of California).
Six letters in each name.
Survived a mortal wound (although not to the head).
First Lady wore a lot of red.
Moved to a house at 666 St. Cloud Rd. upon retirement.
What are you hiding under that hat, Ronnie? Horns?!
Never blasphemed God.
Was most definitely not succeeded by Christ.
Was not homosexual (as far as we know).
Kind of a shitty actor. We expect more from the Antichrist.
The number of the Beast probably isn't even 666.
First of all, every person with six letters in each of their names does not qualify as the Antichrist. Mad Magazine associate editor Jerry DiFusco suggested that the E in Alfred E. Newman stands for Enigma. Alfred Enigma Newman. Do the math. Is this the face of the Antichrist?
Well, we certainly think so.
As you'll find with most people on this list, while there may be a few striking coincidences, there is actually a list of twenty-seven characteristics that the Antichrist must possess. While a simple stretching of the truth could make Reagan fit into some of them (you know, he did speak boastfully!), he falls well short on many others. Too many others to even list, in fact. Sorry, paranoid left wingers, Ronnie ain't yer demon. Keep your eye on that Newman fucker though.
#4. Mikhail Gorbachev
The New Coke to Reagan's Pepsi, Gorbachev's ultimately failed attempts to reform the Soviet Union made him so popular on the world stage that it's no surprise books hit the shelves at the height of his power declaring him to be the Antichrist.
It seemed so plausible in 1988. A reformed, sprawling, thriving, atheist Soviet Empire? The prophecy is fulfilled! Run for the hills!
Then the Soviet Union sputtered into collapse, and that was that.
What His Accusers Have To Say
It's a cruel irony that the guy who went to the negotiating table with Regan to help bring the world back from the brink of nuclear Armageddon so frequently got accused of being the Antichrist. You know, the guy who was to bring about Armageddon.
Raise your hand if you're the Antichrist. Hah! Gotcha.
Actually, it's not irony at all, it's prophecy! As this site so helpfully points out, it's the peace itself he helped bring about that marks him as a devil:
"The modern peace symbol is, in fact, a satanic symbol called the "Cross Of Nero" (Nero was a Roman emperor who was infamous for his ruthless persecution and murder of Christians). The symbol is an inverted, broken Christian cross in a circle and is supposed to signify the defeat of Christianity (see Bob Larson's book, Satanism, p.109).
Man... we're skeptical on the whole, but, if there's some kind of argument to be made against that logic, we'll be damned if we know what it is. Check and mate.
But even if the lack of nuclear annihilation wasn't enough of a warning sign to you, just check out the forehead:
Though, we suppose it could be worse.
As this site informs us, "Many have mentioned that 'mark' on his forehead. The Bible does say in Revelation that the Antichrist will require everyone to 'receive his mark in his forehead, or in his hand.' (Revelation 14:9)"
Don't you see? It has the words "mark" and "forehead" right there in the prophecy! And he has a mark on his forehead! Shit!
Ruled an enormous empire
Weird thing on his head
Looked like a huge pussy compared to previous Soviet leaders
Was instrumental in making the whole Armageddon thing not come true
If we were in the apocalyptic books market in the 80s, our personal theory would have been that Reagan and Gorbachev were both the Antichrist. We're thinking that between the two of them they surely filled all of the criteria, combining to form a sort of anti-Christian Voltron. We could have made millions off that theory.
"And I'll form the apocalypse."
But here's the one we're going with now: With the largest empire in the world under his command, along with a nuclear arsenal that could destroy the planet hundreds of times over and the ear of every world leader... we're thinking that Gorby was actually supposed to be the Antichrist. He simply fucked it up.
#3. Pope Benedict XVI
Joseph Ratzinger, who goes by the stage name "Pope Benedict XVI," is one of the most popular current candidates for the role of Antichrist.
He hasn't really been in place long enough to have racked up any kind of track record of wrongdoing. Sure, there have been plenty of pedophile scandals, but he kind of inherited that problem. And there is the issue of him having been a member of the Hitler Youth. Granted, at the time, joining the Hitler Youth was a requirement for boys of his age, and by most accounts he wasn't too happy about it.
Doesn't he look happy?
But who lets fact get in the way of a good scandal?
What His Accusers Have To Say
If you Google "Pope Benedict XVI Antichrist" the first result you come across is the mysteriously named website www.popebenedictantichrist.com. Seems like a good enough place to start. Among the evidence they cite is Revelation 17: 7,9 - "The seven heads are seven mountains, on which the woman sitteth." If you're asking "What the fuck?" keep in mind, Rome sits on seven hills, apparently. Does this mean any Pope in the history of forever fits into that description? Yes, yes it does. But JoeRat is the Pope right now, so it has to be him, right? And he's apparently a woman also.
Look at him, clapping. Just like the devil.
Has no regard for the desire of women
Different from other kings (a Pope from Germany?)
Worshiped by many people, sort of
Looks creepy as all hell
Has yet to change the calendar
Seems to dig the religion of his ancestors
Vatican Military probably couldn't accomplish much
Arrival on the world scene not accompanied by miracles
Antichrist revealing is big business. Don't believe us? Check out this site which would love to sell you a book explaining why "The Pope" is the Antichrist. Which Pope? Whatever Pope sells you the book, they don't really specify. There probably hasn't been a Pope for several decades that wasn't accused of being the Antichrist. Nothing about this Pope makes him any more likely to bring about your destruction than anyone who preceded him.
He does look pretty fucking scary though.
"If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed."