#3. The Wizard of Oz
The Wizard of Oz is the story of a girl, her dog, a tornado and the band of rejected circus freaks she meets on her way to meet the titular Wizard, who she is told will help her get back to dreary Kansas, rather than stay in the awesome wonderland of magic.
Released in 1939, the film was nominated for Best Picture, introduced the world to the song "Over the Rainbow" and somehow turned Judy Garland into an icon in the gay community.
Exactly what L. Frank Baum had in mind.
Why We Almost Never Got to See it
Usually you can tell how bad a movie is by how many people they had write it. Tons of writers usually means tons of rewrites due to horrible drafts.
The Wizard of Oz had 16 writers.
Even more amazing, it went through four directors. The film's original director, Richard Thorpe, was fired after a few weeks and replaced by George Cukor. Unfortunately, Cukor was on his way to directing Gone with the Wind, and despite having full knowledge that he would be bailing on the film soon, the studio brought him on anyway - for a whopping seven days.
After Cukor hustled off to burn down Atlanta all over again, Victor Fleming was brought in and ended up filming the bulk of the movie. Toward the end of the shoot, Fleming (who clearly enjoyed Cukor's sloppy seconds) left the production to finish off Gone with the Wind, and the awesomely named King Vidor, who probably ruled a small island nation somewhere, came on as the film's closer.
King Vidor. What a disappointment.
An actress named Gale Sondergaard was originally cast as the Wicked Witch, but quit due to the decision to make the witch into a hag. Presumably on her way out the door the producers gave her a dictionary and told her to look up the definition of "witch."
Along with Sondergaard leaving production, the film also famously needed to replace Buddy "Uncle Jed" Ebsen in the role of the Tin Man after nearly killing him. Ironically, he wasn't even cast as the Tin Man in the first place, only swapping from the role of the Scarecrow to the Tin Man because Ray Bolger bitched about playing an aluminum can with legs.
After swapping roles, Ebsen was hospitalized after the makeup being used to make him look like Silver Surfer coated his lungs from breathing. Naturally, they failed to mention that little side effect to Jack Haley, Ebsen's replacement (though they did slightly alter the makeup, not wanting to have a pesky manslaughter trial on their hands).
"Oxygen tank...oxygen tank!"
But that wasn't the only near death on set. Perhaps in an attempt to keep up with the good people of Salem, Margaret Hamilton, who replaced Sondergaard as the witch, was very nearly burned to death in a scene in which she disappears in a puff of smoke.
Upon returning to the production, Hamilton refused to do another similar scene, and, quite predictably, her stand in was quickly injured thanks to a malfunction on the set. There may not have been an actual death like the myth about the munchkin hanging himself on set, but we can never say it wasn't because the filmmakers didn't try.
Titanic, if you're one of the three people who have not yet seen it, is the story of a wealthy discontented young woman who only wants to mix it up with the impoverished, and the rascally street urchin who helps her accomplish that goal. He draws her naked, they have sweaty monkey sex in the back of a car and the giant luxury ocean liner they are on (SPOILER!) very inconveniently sinks when it strikes an iceberg.
"Oh, nice boat, assholes."
Partly thanks to millions of teenybopper girls who just could not get enough of Leo and his feminine good looks, it became the highest grossing film of all time and won the Best Picture award for 1997.
Why We Almost Never Got to See it
When he stepped on stage to accept his Best Director award and proclaimed himself king of the world, we probably should have guessed that James Cameron might be kind of a douche.
More like king of the dicks
On the set of Titanic, Cameron would often force the cast and crew to work 20 hour days to meet his very particular vision for every single frame. Three stuntmen suffered broken bones, several crew members quit due to the rigorous demands and many of the cast members came down with colds, the flu and even suffered kidney infections from logging so many hours floating around in the dirty ol' Pacific down Mexico way. Who would have guessed the water in Mexico would cause illness?
Star Kate Winslet found the experience so off putting, having been one of the cast members to come down with the flu in addition to chipping a bone and, oh yeah, almost drowning, that she famously announced she would never work with Cameron again unless she first got a giant bag of money with a big dollar sign on the side.
We like to think she made this announcement while being drawn naked.
But the near disaster that became Titanic was not entirely Cameron's fault. In one incident that no doubt would have been hilarious to witness, someone sprinkled PCP into a batch of lobster chowder that was then consumed by most of the crew, including Cameron, sending numerous cast and crew to the hospital. It was still reportedly the best damn chowder the crew had ever tasted.
The movie was also very nearly the ruin of Fox. Titanic was originally budgeted for $100 million, but due to the production running more than a month longer than originally slated, coming in at just about half a year in total, the budget ended up doubling. The $200 million final budget (which some say is itself a conservative estimate) made it, at the time, far and away the most expensive film production in history, and nearly bankrupted Fox.
The release date was pushed back from July to December, causing journalists everywhere to salivate at the chance to wittily remark about how, ironically, Fox was sunk by Titanic. Get it?!?
"My god, what a headline! Pulitzer here I come!"
#1. Apocalypse Now
Considered by many to be one of the finest war movies ever made and based on Joseph Conrad's novel Heart of Darkness, Francis Ford Coppola's masterpiece Apocalypse Now starred Joe Estevez's brother Martin Sheen in a star making role as a disillusioned soldier in Vietnam.
The movie was a smash success with critics, winning the Cannes Palme d'Or, which is French for "Fucking Sweet Movie," and earning a nomination for Best Picture. It also taught us that napalm, while one of the most terrifying substances known to man, smells positively delightful.
Why We Almost Never Got to See it
In all of Hollywood history, there are only a handful of movies that can claim to be as famous for their disastrous productions as for the actual end product, but such is the case with Apocalypse Now. Surprisingly, not all of that had to do with Marlon Brando being a complete douche (and what a douche he was, hurling coconuts at Coppola while discussing the script and being shot almost entirely in shadow to hide his ungodly weight gain).
"I hope the moon really is made of cheese, because I want to eat it."
The film's budget swelled from $12 million to $31 million, more than half of which came directly out of Coppola's own pocket, and the shoot dragged on for over 14 months. Some of that was due to the decidedly inconvenient typhoon that came through the Philippines and completely destroyed the films sets, causing massive delays as many of the cast and crew returned to the States for close to two months. Even after the long and arduous shoot, it took a whopping 26 months on top of that to edit and finally complete.
Photos of the slightly over-enthusiastic wrap party.
While Martin Sheen made the role of Willard famous, the role was also famously difficult to cast. Steve McQueen, Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, Robert Redford and James Caan all passed, leading to Harvey Keitel (who you might remember as the guy who is apparently contractually obligated to show off his dong in every movie he's in) being given the role.
Less than a month into shooting, Coppola realized that Keitel and his penis were all wrong for Willard, and the pair were fired and replaced with Sheen... who subsequently had a massive, near fatal heart attack on set. Even Brando must have been shocked that it was Sheen, and not himself, who had the coronary.
"Sheen had the heart attack? Well, I just lost a bet."
Fortunately for the production, Martin's brother Joe was doing the same thing he's doing now (not having a legitimate acting career), and was available to stand in on some scenes, making Apocalypse Now officially the only quality film to ever involve Joe Estevez. Well, unless you count Werewolf.
Best. Tagline. EVER.
For movies that came out shittier than expected, check out 5 Awesome Movies Ruined By Last-Minute Changes. Or find out how we wish some classic movies really came out in 9 Foreign Rip-Offs Cooler Than The Hollywood Originals.
And be sure to check out Cracked.com's Top Picks because they're the only things left that Lucas hasn't CGI'd.