#7. May 26: Kermit's Namesake
Kermit Scott , childhood friend of Jim Henson. Professor of Philosophy. Honored by a green felt amphibian.
Kermit the Human taught philosophy for over three decades. He then did a master’s in social work and became a counselor.
2008 was a bad year for that most common of person, "Men named Kermit who are associated with the Muppets." Kermit Love, puppeteer and costumer for the Muppets, died about a month after Scott. His name was just a coincidence. Which forces us to ask: just how many guys named Kermit were walking around in the 60s?
Our team of trained monkeys couldn’t find an exact cause (the best they got was "at his home in Virginia") so we’re forced to assume it was the other Kermit seeking some sort of namesake vengeance, and that both died from injuries after a prolonged kung fu battle.
Other than ruining "Kermit" as a baby name for several generations, he and his wife co-founded the Food Bank of Lafayette and the Welfare Rights Organization, among other charitable deeds that have left a strong legacy in his home town. Which, as much as we love him, is a lot more good than his amphibious namesake has ever done. Evading Miss Piggy’s come-ons won't feed the poor. Being green may not be easy, but being selfish sure is.
#6. July 12: World's Oldest Blogger
Olive Riley, nursing home resident, Australian, old woman, blogger.
She mostly just blogged about whatever your Nana talks about when you finally get around to giving her a call, you ingrate. Family trips, stories from the good old days, coloring her hair, football. Oh, and typical blogger stuff, like posting pictures in her swimsuit.
From being 108.
As long as she doesn’t inspire our grandparents to get a Facebook account, we’re happy. (Please, please don’t let our grandparents find out about the internet. Goatse’d kill nana. And Lemon Party’d just give grandpa... ideas).
#5. August 30: Killer Kowalski
Wladek ‘Killer’ Kowlaski. Once named WWF World Tag Team Champion with the adult film-sounding Big John Studd.
He actually legally changed his name to Killer Kowalski in 1963, which would have made for some frightened bank tellers and doctor’s receptionists. In college he majored in electrical engineering, but opted for a career in the more glamorous field of pretend-beating the shit out of people in a ring.
Reports indicate that outside the ring he was incredibly friendly, polite and vegetarian. Inside the ring, though, he ripped some guy’s ear off.
He didn’t drink milk or alcohol, and was a bachelor until he was 80. He died two years later.
The guy lives 80 years without incident and dies just as he’s getting into the swing of married life? There must be some Al-Bundy-esque one liner in that.
#4. September 10: The Shark Hunter
This guy was so fucking badass it actually makes our balls implode in a cloud of pink glitter.
He originally wanted to fish for bluefish. He decided that hunting twenty-pound sea creatures was a pussy’s game, and moved on to sharks. He once harpooned a 4,500 pounder. With a hand-held harpoon, none of this pansy-ass harpoon gun business. In 1986 he caught a 3,427 pound great white... with a rod and reel. Though some say he actually killed the whale the shark was feeding off, then fucked up the shark.
Also, he walked around wearing a slouch hat, a shark-tooth necklace, and a gold hoop earring. So basically, he looked like the pirate version of this:
You know what he was doing all summer of his 83rd birthday? Hanging out on his boat, making sharks wish they were never born, sandy-fleshed cowards they are. He returned home, and, deciding it was enough that generations of young shark folk would hear the ghost stories told in his honor, had a heart attack at Hawaii Airport.
Oh, and once he bought a dead whale to a New Jersey port. People weren’t cool with that.
Sharks now tremble in fear at the sight of a gold hoop earring, which is why they avoid suburban malls and time travel to the 1980s.
#3. October 25: The Man Behind Deep Throat
No, not Watergate whistleblower Mark Felt, he died two months later. We're talking about porn director Gerard Damiano, the guy known for directing the Deep Throat porno. Prior to that, his career path went in the usual way: shoe shine boy, navy, then x-ray technician, then hairdresser, set hand on a horror film, pornographer. He also appeared in many of his films, in non-sexual roles.
It's hard to get accurate counts, but there are claims that it took in $100 million or more. It was said to be one of the first porno films with a plot and high production values, setting an example that not a single subsequent porno would bother to follow.
#2. November 20: The Mother of the Slinky
When we think of people who invent toys, we think of a Wonka-esque magical character, full of fun and surprises, but with none of Gene Wilder/Jonny Depp’s unsettling undertones. Betty James, namer of the slinky, didn’t really fit this image.
Instead, she was leafing through a dictionary one day, as all care-free, fun-loving people will do, and saw the word "slinky." This reminded her of an upturned torsion spring her husband had mentioned offhand about a year earlier. When your life is constant thrills and joy, we’re assuming you don’t remember shit like "honey, this spring fell over today, and it was super weird!"
Anyway, he had the idea to sell it as a toy, but she had the idea to name it the Slinky, which was actually more important because the toy itself sucked. Though it does appear her husband had all the wackiness that she lacked, leaving the family in 1960 to join a religious cult in Bolivia.
Congestive heart failure.
That guy we talked about earlier, desperately searching his house for the next tinned spaghetti-esque million-dollar idea? He’s now reading a dictionary, highlighting and muttering to himself.
#1. December 18: The "First Lady of Star Trek"
Majel Barrett has appeared in every incarnation of the Star Trek franchise. She’s also the widow of Gene Roddenberry, creator of Star Trek.
Seriously, if you've seen any of the movies or TV shows, you've seen her. Or at least heard her - she was the voice of the ship's computer. She also played Deanna Troi's flamboyant mom in The Next Generation.
She almost killed Spock.
In the original Star Trek pilot, she played the "Number One" on the bridge, and was the cold, logical character while the character Spock was just some weird alien guy in the background. We're sure the fact she was banging the producer had nothing to do with her getting the role. Test audiences hated her, and so they dropped her character and instead fleshed out Spock to become the unfeeling Vulcan we all know and love.
For people you've kinda heard of who aren't dead, check out Where Aren't They Now: The 7 Strangest Post-Sitcom Careers and Where Aren’t They Now?: 5 Post-Star Wars Careers Almost as Pathetic as Mark Hamill's.