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The 6 Deadliest Creatures (That Can Fit In Your Shoe)

They say good things come in small packages. You know what else comes in small packages? Unrelenting pain and horror.

You can thank Mother Nature for that, as she has seen fit to equip some of the tiniest creatures with the most crippling--and deadly--venom. So read this and remember to give your boot a good shake before shoving your foot in there.

#6.
Golden Dart Frog

What the Fuck is That?

If you're planning any hikes in the jungle in the near future, you might come across this cute little fella. Weighing about an ounce and reaching the impressive size of one inch, the Golden Dart Frog is indigenous to the rain forests in Colombia. Look at the little guy! It makes you want to take one home, doesn't it?

What's this Funny Feeling?

If you missed your high school biology class on brightly colored animals, then chances are you did pick up the frog. Unfortunately for you, their skin is covered in enough poison to kill ten fully grown human beings. That's right, a frog that is potentially smaller than your wang (we can't stress potentially enough) will kill you and your nine best friends if you fuck with it.

The Golden Dart Frog's poisonous skin is nothing new to the people of Colombia. Tribesmen have been wiping the tips of their darts on these amphibians for centuries, utilizing the toxins as a weapon and, thus, providing the modern name for these little bastards.


Wouldn't this be more effective? Just saying.

Scientists speculate that these frogs amass their toxins through the prey they eat, who spend time ingesting toxins from the various vegetation in their environment. This speculation came from the fact that frogs raised away from the rain forest aren't poisonous at all. How does that help you when you're dying thousands of miles away from the non-poisonous frog? It doesn't.

Will I Be Alright?

Probably not. Extensive research via wikipedia yielded this result:

"Currently no effective antidote exists for the treatment of batrachotoxin poisoning."

So unless you're leimadophis epinephelus, a breed of snake that can consume the frogs (if you're reading this, you're probably not), stay the fuck away.

#5.
Geographic Cone Snail

What the Fuck is That?

So you're on vacation in Australia, drinking a Fosters, chasing dingos away from your babies and arguing about what things are and are not knives. You sign up to go on a scuba tour of the Great Barrier Reef. After a quick tutorial on what you can and cannot touch that you didn't even understand (they are speaking Australian after all), you're down in the ocean exploring the reef. One small and particularly beautiful shell grabs your attention and you pick it up out of curiosity. That's when you feel a pinch on your palm.

Congratulations, you've just been stung by one of Australia's deathly toxic residents.

What's this Funny Feeling?

That funny feeling is cocktail of toxins that were just lanced into your hand by a harpoon. Cone snails can fire off those harpoons in any direction and they use them to paralyze fish (at which point they then eat them--alive). Fortunately, you're too big for the cone snail to eat. Unfortunately, the toxins still affect you in a terrible way. Depending on which species of cone snail you picked up, you're either feeling the effects of your nervous system being fucked to hell or you're suffering this delightful symphony of shit, per Wikipedia:


You'll need both of these. And a bucket. And several small miracles.

"Paresthesias of the lips and tongue are followed by sialorrhea, sweating, headache, weakness, lethargy, ataxia, incoordination, tremor, paralysis, cyanosis, aphonia, dysphagia, seizures, dyspnea, bronchorrhea, bronchospasm, respiratory failure, coma, and hypotension. Gastroenteric symptoms are often severe and include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. Cardiac arrhythmias may precede complete respiratory failure and cardiovascular collapse."

And you probably haven't even made it to dry land yet.

Will I Be Alright?

That depends on how competent the people around you are. There is no cure for the cone snail's venom, and treatment is simply based on how long your rescuers can keep you alive while your body pisses, shits and vomits the toxins out. If the people saving you haven't already fled the scene of your body exploding from every orifice, their CPR is simply meant to keep you breathing until you've shat the last little bit of venom out.

#4.
Blue-Ringed Octopus

What the Fuck is That?

After that pants-shitting near-death experience with the cone snail, you opt to explore the shallow tidal pools on shore. After scavenging through all the dully colored shells, you come upon a tiny octopus. As you approach, bright blue rings appear on the its skin. Curious, you pick the magical creature up.

Luck is not on your side today. The appearance of those bright rings is the warning sign of the blue-ringed octopus.

What's this Funny Feeling?

Or no feeling, as it turns out. The beak of the golf ball-sized bottom feeder is strong enough to pierce through wetsuit gloves and give the handler a fatal dose of venom. You probably won't feel the toxins, at first. That's only because you'll be completely paralyzed. But believe us when we tell you that you'll begin to feel pain when you realize you can't breathe.


You don't need to point. We see it.

The venom from these tiny sea creatures is created by the bacteria that live in their air sacs. The deadly cocktail contains ten toxins in all, designed to leave you paralyzed and yet completely aware of your surroundings.

Will I Be Alright?

Like the cone snail attack, it all depends on how much the people around you know about what's happened. If they realize that you've been bitten by a blue-ringed octopus (whose venom is powerful enough to kill 26 human beings within a couple of minutes), rescue breathing may keep you alive.

But if no one is aware of what happened, you'll probably just appear dead to the world. Nobody will know that you're paralyzed and can't breathe. As they pack you into a body bag, your body reflexively shitting itself, your one final thought will be: "Man, fuck Australia."

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