On Saturdays we ask some of our favorite writers from around the web fill in for us. Today, McSweeney's Internet Tendency editor Christopher Monks gives you a look at his new book The Ultimate Game Guide To Your Life: Or, The Video Game As Existential Metaphor, a faux game guide to a fictional role-playing video game called Your Life. Excerpted below is the Guide's walkthrough of a challenge from "LEVEL IV: Your College Years."
Birds do it. Bees do it. Even your geeky dorm mate Simon Washington does it.Everybody is having sex except you. You're mad as hell about this, and you're not going to take it anymore. You want to experience firsthand what it is you've been fantasizing about two, three, one hundred and sixty-eight times a day.
But with who? Wendy, your co-worker at the college copy center, flirts with you a lot. There was that time when she playfully nudged you with her hip while you were collating two-sided copies. That was neat, even though you had to stand there up against the copier for a good five minutes before your erection went down.
Then there is Becky Joe, the hockey cheerleader who currently has her hand on your thigh and is whispering dirty things in your ear. You're not an expert on this sort of thing, but if you had to guess, she would be up for having sex with you. However, she's wasted and you just met her at this party forty minutes ago, and you were kind of hoping that your first time would be more meaningful. Sure, you two have had a deep conversation about how her ex-boyfriend Blake is an asshole, but is that enough to justify having intercourse with each other?
Yet her hand is there on your thigh and she's telling you things she wants to do to you that not even in your wildest fantasies have you ever dreamed of, so you're finding it hard to make a rational decision. So it's up to you. Should you be a gentleman and deny her advances? Or should you finally get it over with and destroy your virginity?
OBJECTIVE: Lose your virginity
LIFE POINTS AVAILABLE: 10
The challenge begins when Becky Joe suggests you two find a room. The party takes place at an off-campus house, so it's very easy to slip away to an unoccupied bedroom and destroy your virginity right then and there.
It won't be the end of the world if you choose to destroy your virginity with her, but we promise you'll feel empty when it's over. Plus you'll only earn four out of the possible ten Life Points this challenge offers. Yes, you'll spend the rest of the party beating yourself up about not having sex with her, but believe us: It's worth it. You'll have sex soon enough, and although it won't come close to being the amazing out-of-mind/body experience sex with Becky Joe would have been, it will be more than satisfactory. We promise.
If you play it right, you'll find her to be a more-than-willing accomplice. You'll have to earn it, of course. Your Life is a game, after all, and you'll have to score five Lovemaker Lovemaking Points, or LLPs, before you can have sex with Wendy. Fortunately, Wendy will be out to destroy your virginity too, so gathering LLPs won't be too difficult.
THE THREE BEST WAYS TO EARN LLPs
1. Compliment her. Mention to Wendy how deftly she handles two-sided copies. Comment on how smart her college copy center apron looks on her. Tell her she reminds you of the favorite sexy celebrity of your choice, unless that celebrity is Larry the Cable Guy.
2. Flirt. Wendy is a fan of physical flirtation, as she's always pulling on your apron or gently flicking your ear or nudging you with her hip. To earn more LLPs, respond to each of her touches in kind. She'll love it.
3. Listen. This is by far the most effective way to her heart, or in this case, her loins. Simply listen to whatever she has to say. Show good active listening skills: Focus your eyes on her, nod at all the right moments, and ask engaging questions. You'll have her eating out of your hands, or in this case, your crotch. 1
She will accept, and you'll be well on your way to destroying your virginity. Use the following chart to help have a successful date.
The two of you will lie down and start kissing. At some point during this, your Arousal Meter will pop up on the screen. The higher the meter rises, the closer you'll be to sexual climax.
WARNING: Given that this is your first full-on sexual experience, you will have very little control over your Arousal Meter (although the Judy Collins music helps keep things under control a little). It's important to keep it in check until intercourse has occurred, otherwise you'll end the evening still a virgin.
TIP: Groping is a perfectly reasonable thing to do at this point in the challenge. Slowly move the cursor in the direction of the body part you wish to fondle while lightly tapping the A-BUTTON. Let her movements tell you if she finds your intentions acceptable. If she's game, you can start tapping the A-BUTTON more firmly, which will lead to both of you getting more and more worked up.
Once you're both down to your underwear, Wendy will take things further by guiding your hand toward her vagina. 2 Once you've reached Wendy's money zone, lightly press your fingers against it. You know you'll be touching her money zone correctly when you hear Wendy sighing and moaning pleasurably.
TIP: When Wendy slides her hand into your underwear and begins to touch your penis, let her. This action will have a profound effect on your Arousal Meter. Do your best to keep your meter levels down. Think of other things to keep from losing complete control, like forest creatures, poor people, or that exam in Economics 101 you have to take later in the week. Think of anything but how her soft, delicate fingers work your fully engorged penis, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down.
A SHORT NOTE ABOUT THE EXPLICIT SEXUAL NATURE OF THIS CHALLENGE
If this part of the game guide is uncomfortable for you to read, please take a moment to imagine how uncomfortable it is for us to write. We have a mother, too. You think we take pride in the fact that our mother will be reading us describe in graphic detail how to have video-game sex? 3 No, we are not proud of this at all. We'd really rather not have to get into the lurid details of this challenge, but our job compels us to, so on we dutifully trod.
With that said, we can't go any further without recognizing the controversy this section of the game has sparked. Many family groups feel that Your Life goes way too far with its depiction of sex, and to a certain extent we can see their point. However, the game is not designed for anyone under eighteen to play, and given that sex is an important part of real life, it should therefore be an important part of Your Life. Yes, it is very graphic, but what about sex isn't graphic? Sex is the most graphic thing ever, and we think Your Life does justice to this. And then some.
If you need help on how to apply it, access the Childhood Memory Window and play back the time from junior high health class when you had to sit through that public service documentary on contraceptives.
WARNING: Inserting your penis into her money zone isn't as easy as it sounds, as you probably won't get it in on your first shot. More likely than not, you'll miss the mark and wind up jabbing her someplace much less desirable. This won't win you any points with Wendy (Life Points or otherwise), and you'll feel like a loser. We suggest you let her help, for she knows exactly where your penis needs to go. Guide her hand to your penis and soon thereafter you'll be inside Wendy's money zone.
ANOTHER WARNING: Chances are, as soon as you enter Wendy, your Arousal Meter will fill completely and immediately release, thus invoking a far too abbreviated end to the challenge. You'll earn five of the possible ten Life Points and move on with Your Life, but it's a somewhat embarrassing way to end things.
TIP: Again, like earlier, thoughts of forest creatures, poor people, and that economics exam will help stave off an early climax. Also, if you lost the "Don't Walk in on Your Parents Having Sex" mini game back in Level III: Your Childhood, feel free to call up your Childhood Memory Window to relive that mortifying moment again. For every minute you can keep from climaxing, you'll earn an additional Life Point. Five minutes of fully engaged intercourse will net you all ten Life points and Wendy's undying gratitude.
STILL ANOTHER WARNING:However long it lasts, don't expect the sex to be great. It's extremely difficult to master the humping rhythm on the controls [strong, circular, thrusting presses on the ANALOG A-PAD and B-PADs] while trying to conjure up unsexy thoughts. In addition, Wendy's futon frame will be rickety, so there's an ever-present fear that the frame will collapse as you bang away at one another. However, the object here is not to have great sex or good sex or even average sex; the object is simply to have sex, so even though you won't be writing a new chapter of the Kama Sutra, you'll achieve your purpose. So be proud of it!
ONE LAST TIP: Wendy won't be much of post-coital snuggler, which some gamers find disappointing, but rushing out immediately isn't the gentlemanly thing to do. Eventually, she'll yawn and say she has to get up early in the morning, and you can take that as a sign that you can leave. 4
1- We'll go ahead and apologize immediately for this line. We don't mean to be crass, but frankly, given how this challenge unfolds, you haven't seen nothin'.
2- For reasons we don't wish to get into, we are ill at ease with the word vagina, so from here on out we're going to refer to the female reproductive organ as the money zone.
3- In fact, Mom, if you're reading this, we think it best if you go ahead and skip to the next challenge now. Nothing good will come out of you continuing on with this challenge. If you're stuck in this part of the game, just have Dad or Derrick finish it for you. Actually, come to think of it, you should have them do the next challenge ("Getting Your Freak On at Spring Break") as well.
4- Things with Wendy will never really be the same. Shortly thereafter, she'll quit her job at the college copy center and you'll fall completely out of touch. You might run into her at a party or Ultimate Frisbee tournament and exchange pleasantries, but neither of you will want to be reminded of the awkward mercenary virginity-destroying sex you shared, so the meeting will be as quick and painless as the two of you can make it.