#4. Subdermal Implants
Sometimes piercings just can't cut the mustard in terms of mangling your outward appearance, as it's obvious to any onlooker that you merely have a chunk of metal or plastic lodged in your perineum. However, through the miracle of subdermal implants your run of the mill piece of flea market jewelry can now be mistaken for an unusually-shaped tumor.
In a nutshell, a subdermal implant is exactly what the name suggests: an implant beneath the skin. Usually made from Teflon or silicone, a glorified spatula is used to hollow out a pocket in your flesh and the implant is then crammed in there. You can choose any stylish shape you've ever wanted to bulge unnaturally from your skin, such as a horseshoe, a pair of brass knuckles or a bust of Egon from the Ghostbusters.
"This is a really fun job."-Cracked Photoshop Department.
You're going to want to wrap the part of your body for a couple of weeks, as any sudden movements might leave you with an awesome Teflon star rattling around in your ball pouch. And you better hope that whoever implanted that pentagram shaped tumor in your forehead was using clean instruments. Otherwise, your body may reject the implant and try to vomit it up through the skin.
Ever experience what it's like for your body to force out a splinter, reducing you to child-like weeping if something bumps the pus-filled sore around it? Now imagine it trying to do the same thing to a chunk of Teflon coated titanium half the size of your hand.
#3. Extraocular Implant
If you're like most of us, you hate nothing more than to look in the mirror day in and day out and see not a damn thing lodged in your eyeball. Your eye is a lazy sack of shit with some of the best real estate on your entire face. If you don't have nice boobs, your eyes may be the thing most people focus on when they speak to you. And what do they have going for them? Glasses? Spider webs of red veins from your last Lysol bender? Pathetic.
Well, thanks to the miracle of modern insanity, you can have shit attached right to your eyeball. Like, right to it. Finally people can look at you in a confused manner as they try to figure out how you got some piece of a shitty charm bracelet stuck in your eye until you break down and explain it to them.
The procedure was first done in the Netherlands and isn't really available elsewhere, though several states are trying to ensure it never gets a chance to become legal. Obviously our elected officials are deathly afraid of the proletariat getting access to tacky eye jewelry and starting a sparkly, fantastic revolution.
#2. Magnetic Implants
Here's a dilemma most of you toil with daily: You want to stick random shit to your skin, but hate all of that glue and tape residue. And what can be worse than coming home at night and trying to rip all of the ornaments off your chest without yanking out all of the hair under them?
Luckily, industrious and semi-artsy body modification enthusiasts have invented a solution. Take the above technique of ramming foreign objects under the skin, and put a magnet there instead! Now you can pick up any random piece of decorative crap--as long as it's metal--and have it attach to you with ease.
An added and slightly creepy bonus to the use of magnetic implants is the ability to sense magnetic fields. Those who have had the implants inserted have demonstrated an uncanny knack for locating power transformers and following magnetic currents in cookware. Basically this means if you have a lot of very strong magnetic implants you can become the most useless superhero ever.
#1. Genital Beading
If you ever took the time to read up on witch trials from back in the day, you may have read that a lot of witches were accused of fornicating with Satan himself in exchange for their dark and mysterious powers. And while that may sound awesome to the modern crop of Goth kids, you have to assume the devil sucks at foreplay and doesn't fix breakfast for you when he's done. And if you really thought hard about it, you may stop to wonder just what the devil's wang looks like. Probably evil. Probably like someone who's had genital beading done.
If you want your own devil penis, you have to be willing to let someone use a large gauge needle or a scalpel to poke holes in the shaft of your dong. Of course the ladies can do it too, only along the labia instead.
Small balls of titanium, silicone or some such are then inserted into the incision and the incision is closed up. Each bead requires two cuts for the needle to get in and back out again, and a rod is used to jam the bead in place. And, to reiterate, it's being jammed somewhere under the skin of your junk.
Like this, only as a penis.
The end result of this process is, of course, pure abject horror in the form of what could easily be mistaken for the penis of a living abacus.
For scientific explanations of why people do shit like this, check out 5 Douchebag Behaviors Explained by Science. Or for examples of weird shit people do to prevent unplanned body modification in the pelvic region, check out History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives. Or, visit the Cracked.com Top Picks to see what we're looking at instead of working.