The 7 Most Retarded Criminal Excuses of All Time

As cops love to tell us, they've heard 'em all. They even have standard issue cop cliches to tell you they know you're full of shit, such as "Tell that to the judge, pal" and "Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law."

And then there are those excuses that leave cops unable to muster even a slightly grizzled retort, where the only proper response is uncontrollable laughter. We're talking about excuses like:

#7. Secret Agent Hobo

The day started like any other day for the Saratoga Police Department: Some transient was drinking in the street and was soundly arrested. Things took a turn, however, when the man claimed to be part of a top secret Australian covert ops unit. We're not sure which secret agency requires you to drink in public and tell the first people you meet all about it, but suspect it's not a very good one. (Also, we would like to humbly submit our resumes for consideration.)

Agent Marshall Cartwright's secret espionage gear included a beer keg, hallucinogenic mushrooms and a wetsuit, perhaps under the assumption that, to catch a drunk, delusional international terrorist, you needed to think like a drunk, delusional international terrorist. He also had a harmonica, because seriously, who doesn't get the blues every once in a while?

Better Excuse:

"Dude, I'm a bum and I've got a keg of beer. What else do you expect me to be doing?"

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

Since Marshall was trying to sell his hobo-beer to passersby, measured out in a jar he happened to have on his person, this would imply that Australia's intelligence community are terribly, terribly underfunded. And crap.

#6. "She Looks Like the Man Who Turned My Cat Gay"

Jose Correia's cat escaped on October the 27th, and you're about to find out why even an animal that cares for nothing but food and licking its own balls would want to run from the crazy bastard. For his search party, Correia recruited the help of local schoolteacher Anabela Cruz but declined the help of another neighbor, Jose Macedo, on the grounds that the latter was homosexual. And therefore useless at finding pussy.


Can YOU spot the cat? If not, you are a homosexual.

Once he found the cat, to thank everyone for their help, Jose went home, got his Browning 6.35 mm pistol and shot Anabela. If that seems odd, you have to understand that, in fairness to Jose, he thought Anabela, (the schoolteacher), was actually Macedo the (homosexual). Again, in fairness, he also believed that Macedo had buggered his cat thereby converting it to the ways of Sodom, and since he was waving a gun at the time probably managed to make it sound even crazier. When you look at it that way, Macedo's actions don't seem too unreason- What's that? They still do? Even more unreasonable, you say? Huh. Alright then.

Better Excuse:

"Look, I just hate gays, okay? I thought I could somehow spin this whole 'cat thing' into a reasonable excuse, but it sort of got away from me." It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong; the police would have to respect that kind of honesty.


Though, that is, like, the gayest cat we've ever seen.

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

Catching the guy in the act. Cat-rape is one of those cases where hearsay and conjecture just isn't enough. You come home and find some guy squatting on top of a squealing Mister Kittens, then by all means, empty your pistol. But if you want to kill someone you need a better reason than "I have no reason to suspect that he didn't rape my cat. Or, for that matter, that you didn't. And- hey, are you arresting me?"

#5. Extreme Bondage

There are a number of ways to hide your extramarital affairs: you can wait till your partner goes on a business trip, claim to be going out with some friends, or organize two dates at the same time in the same restaurant (if you live in a romantic comedy). Or, if you're Rebecca Bargy, you can tie your husband up with a blocked airway and leave him for twenty hours until he dies (this one doesn't work so well in romantic comedies).


On second thought, if they made a movie version of this with Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson, we'd probably watch it.

According to CBS News she "placed duct tape over James Bargy's mouth and eyes, put a ball gag in his mouth and then tied a bandage around his head", indicating that either CBS isn't particularly good at "event sequences" or Rebecca was strong enough to shove a ball through solid duct tape. She also tied his hands and feet behind his back and slipped into something sexy. Specifically, the sexy car taking her to a sexy motel room containing another sexy man. While her husband suffocated. She claimed that this bondage was entirely consensual, which police have the temerity to doubt.


"So, you're saying he begged you to tie him up, kill him and cheat on him? Huh."

Better Excuse:

"Oh gosh, did I leave the ropes on? Normally it's the oven!"

::rolls eyes::

::studio audience laughter::

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

Her central argument was that James Bargy enjoyed being tied up and left to stew in his own inevitable excrement for nearly a day, all the while thinking about another man banging his wife. If that actually worked, it would set a precedent allowing people to simultaneously murder and cheat on their spouses on the grounds that "they totally wanted it," and, come on, marriage is hard enough.

#4. Speeding Because She Doesn't Understand Metric

A California woman was fined $405 by Canadian police for speeding at almost a hundred miles an hour. Her excuse was that the speed limit signs were in kilometers per hour and she didn't understand metric.

The problem is that a hundred miles an hour is the same speed no matter what you measure it in - just because you cross the border doesn't make "pushing your foot all the way down" affect the engine differently. Did she think her engine was so patriotic it needed extra encouragement to drive on un-American soil? Did she think that time moves slower in Canada? Was she right? (We've never been.)

Better Excuse:

"But I thought Canadian laws didn't apply to Americans!"

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

For ignorance of the law to make you immune to it, and even in a country where one of the fundamental rights is "Any crazy bastard who wants can have a gun," we know that's a bad idea. The legal system has already proven that people are prepared to be as stupid as required in the hopes of making a claim - once it makes them immune to prosecution society will go straight to "Mad Max: Retard Edition."

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