The 6 Most Inappropriate Porn-Character Occupations

Every Saturday we have our favorite writers fill in for us. Once again, we have Mike Sacks, who has written for Esquire, GQ, The New Yorker, Time, Vanity Fair and other magazines. He works at Vanity Fair and used to write Radar Magazine's top 100 lists. Today, he shows us why we should be glad that porn characters generally stick to cable installer and pizza delivery boy.


#6.
Environmental inspector for the local government, specializing in sewage runoff in areas with highly dissolved oxygen rates.

Sample Dialogue:

WOMAN

May I sit on your lap as you show me what you do?

MAN

Yes. Yes you may.

WOMAN

What is this gauge for?

MAN

This gauge is for testing the fecal matter in underground storage facilities that have a tendency to pool beyond the acceptable runoff rate of 23 PCMs per cubic yard of arable soil.

WOMAN

And this stick?

MAN

This stick? Or this stick?

WOMAN

The shorter stick.

MAN

This stick I use to insert into holes.

WOMAN

Deep holes?

MAN

Sometimes. And other times not so deep. It really depends on how much fecal matter is evident in the runoff drains according to county regulation #354-a. But sometimes other runoff is also evident. Like raw sewage caused by the dead animals that clog storm drains.

WOMAN

Would you like to eat a slice of my freshly baked pie?

MAN

Yes, ma'am.

Lovemaking ensues

#5.
A urologist

Sample Dialogue:

MAN

Ooooh. You are squeezing hard. I like that. What kind of doctor did you say you were?

WOMAN

I am a urologist.

MAN

Is that all you do?

WOMAN

Yes, but I also have a sub-specialty.

MAN

Oh yeah? I think I'm going to like that too.

WOMAN

My sub-specialty involves diseases of the bladder and urethra track, such as renal parenchymal disease.

MAN

I see.

WOMAN

In addition, I treat sexually transmitted diseases and the ramifications they might cause on the neuromuscular system if they are not dealt with immediately. Like herpes, chlamydia, and penis warts.

MAN

That sounds sexy. Could you treat me immediately?

WOMAN

I can try.

Lovemaking ensues

#4.
Illegal alien specializing in jobs that no one else wants, such as assisting farm vets in shaving down horses

Sample Dialogue:

WOMAN

Do you work without your shirt?

MAN

Sometimes. And sometimes not. Yesterday I worked without my shirt when I helped trim the hair around a horse's testicles in order to tattoo an I.D. number for security purposes.

WOMAN

Like this here horse? All high and mighty and strong? This horse that I ride like a bucking bronco?

MAN

Yes, little lady.

WOMAN

What else do you do?

MAN

Lift large objects onto the backs of other illegal aliens. Clean spittoon buckets. Hose down blood. Sometimes vomit. Sometimes the innards of butchered animals. Masturbate pigs. Other things, too.

WOMAN

I bet you have a large penis.

MAN

Yes, my penis is large.

WOMAN

Large penises are nice.

MAN

Thank you.

WOMAN

And that's a plus. Because I bet your job requires a very large penis.

MAN

Not really, no.

WOMAN

Will you help me down from this horse?

MAN

Yes, m'lady. Please step upon this spittoon bucket.

Lovemaking ensues

#3.
A non-licensed installer of hot-tubs and other household appliances

Sample Dialogue:

MAN

Hello. I have a report that your hot tub is broken.

WOMAN

Where have you been? I've been waiting and waiting for you to arrive to fix my hot tub. I am cold and need to be warmed up. Nothing else will suffice but my hot-tub!

MAN

Then let's have a look at it. Uh huh.

WOMAN

Do you know how to fix it?

MAN

I do not.

WOMAN

Then why are you here?

MAN

To fix this.

WOMAN

Ahhhh.

MAN

And this.

WOMAN

Oooh.

MAN

And that.

WOMAN

But seriously, you can't fix my hot tub?

MAN

No, ma'am. I have no proper hot-tub license. I merely have a tremendously hairless scrotum and a bleached anus and an eagerness to rip off lonely housewives. I'll do anything to cheat them out of money, even if it means making love to them and wrongly installing their hot-tubs.

WOMAN

I see.

Lovemaking ensues

#2.
Elderly black bathroom attendant at a fancy strip club

Sample Dialogue:

WOMAN

I've never noticed you before? Have you worked here long?

MAN

Twelve years.

WOMAN

What do you do all day?

MAN

Smell shit and piss. Pump this here soap dispenser.

WOMAN

May I help you pump that?

MAN

Yes.

WOMAN

Does it always smell this bad?

MAN

My pump?

WOMAN

This bathroom.

MAN

Sometimes more. Sometimes less. Depends on what's being served at the buffet. Seafood's bad. Chinese is also bad.

WOMAN

I understand.

Lovemaking ensues

#1.
Charles Manson

Sample Dialogue:

CHARLES

In the House of the Devil, she who rides on bareback must lick the wind!

WOMAN

Do you come around often?

CHARLES

The devil comes and spits in your face!

WOMAN

Would you spit in my face?

CHARLES

She who believes in hell, must believe in me!

WOMAN

Do you believe that I'm sexy?

CHARLES

I believe that the Lord knows that I'm his slave!

WOMAN

Would you allow me to be your slave?

CHARLES

I allow you to touch the crest of the wave which I ride!

WOMAN

May I ride you?

CHARLES

Yes.

Lovemaking ensues

Check out more from Mike at mikesacks.com