The 15 Most Completely Useless iPhone Apps

#7. Doomsday Clock

This countdown clock ticking down to December 21, 2012, the date the Mayan calendar pinpointed as the end of times.

If you can't afford $1 to monitor the End Of Days, they altruistically provide a description of what to expect in the last moments. "The sun will be seen in a conjunction with the crossing point of the galactic equator and the ecliptic, which is referred by the Mayans as the Sacred Tree."

On the way to work we saw a hobo puking on a tree, does that count?

#6. The Constitution

Imagine it's a lazy Sunday morning. You're lounging about in your most comfortable thong, enjoying some German horse pornography--then suddenly there's a knock at the door. It's Barack Obama's Communist Police force, there to take your guns! Free Republic was right!

Fortunately, you know your rights because you're the proud owner of the Constitution reference application. Though the developer neglected to include a search function, so this program is best utilized by those that have already memorized the Constitution. And that's you... right?

#5. Names

Are a you an aspiring novelist who has no problem constructing story arcs and pacing a plot, but find yourself producing characters with names like "Joe Likeitmatters" or "Jane Whogivesafuck"? Well with a touch of the screen, this application will generate random names and ... no, wait. That's all it does.

Other potential markets for this include census takers who can't be bothered to go door to door, or criminals who get flustered trying to conjure aliases.

#4. Feng Shui Lotto

This lotto number generator uses the "5000-year old technology" of Feng Shui to calculate your lottery numbers based on your surroundings. It's oddly empowering to know the placement of your sofa could be responsible for fucking over thousands of lotto players a year.

If you don't trust that their server is tapped into the ancient wisdom of the orient, please note that the application is clearly displaying a yin yang symbol, meaning it has been certified as legitimately Asian in a completely non-contrived way. Also note that this app was available under the heading of "Finance".

#3. Abacus

If iPhones ever catch on with 13th century Chinese mathematicians who have failed to notice the native calculator function, this app is going to be HUGE.

#2. I Can Has Cheezburger

You're at a dinner party, meeting your girlfriend's family for the first time. To charm them with your wit, you describe the latest image you have seen containing a cat and a humorous caption. You are greeted with a cold silence.

Why? Because you've just quoted a lolcat that's a full two hours old - an hour and 58 minutes after it stopped being funny. Avoid such a faux pas in the future with this app that alerts you the second a new I Can Has Cheezburger lolcat is posted.

#1. Phone Saber

This app simulates the sound of a light saber when you wave around your phone.

And... you know what? We're going to go buy that one. That sounds awesome.

If you like that check out The 10 Least Useful iPod Accessories Money Can Buy. Or, check out yesterday's look at The 10 Least Subtle Product Placements in Video Game History.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!