The whole "Twinkies can last up to 20 years on the shelf because they're not food" thing has been around for years. It was a staple with 80s comedians, along with the unsatisfactory nature of airline peanuts.
This book recounts the full tale, including a whole big back story on how the manufacturer hasn't had to manufacture Twinkies in years, because they have a huge warehouse full of them somewhere.
Actual Twinkie warehouse.
Twinkies do last a bit longer than your average cakes filled with cream: a whole month. What? Were you expecting us to tell you they really are industrially refined additives shaped to look and taste like food, that never get stale? Hell, if anyone actually had access to that kind of technology, the world would probably be in their hands.
Instead, we just fry the little suckers.
Nope, check the label and you'll see the ingredients (in order of quantity) are flour, sugar, corn syrup, water, shortening, and eggs. Sounds a whole lot like a regular ol' cake. That's because it is.
Now, on top of the above ingredients, you've got two dozen additives meant to keep the cakes moist long beyond the week or so you'd get out of a cake you made fresh. We could go on and on about how unhealthy those yellow bastards are, but come on. You didn't think they were fucking celery stalks.
Margarine is kind of like Velveeta Cheese: everybody has it in their kitchen, but what is it? Let's ask the crazy people:
"Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.
Decreases immune response.
And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS! VERY INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC."
We would love to know how they came up with that turkey story (maybe they misunderstood the whole "Butterball" thing?). Margarine is just made from vegetable oil (or some other kind of plant or animal fat) and was invented as a cheaper substitute for butter in 19th Century France.
It's true that margarine is white until they add yellow coloring to it. But guess what, that cheese on your hamburger wasn't orange until they added an orange dye to it. Who gives a shit?
Great. Now we're starving.
Far more retarded is the capitalized-so-you-know-it's-true statement, "MARGARINE IS ONE MOLECULE AWAY FROM PLASTIC."
Not only is that not right, that's not even wrong. It's a meaningless statement. Saying something is "one molecule away" from plastic is like saying a farm is one letter away from a fart. Water is "one molecule away" from being explosive hydrogen gas.
This whole thing smells of lies spread by the dairy industry.
Quick: Where does canola oil come from? Don't know? Well the internet has some shocking news for you, buddy:
"Here are just a few facts everyone should know before buying anything containing canola. Canola is not the name of a natural plant but a made-up word, from the words "Canada" and "oil". Canola is a genetically engineered plant developed in Canada from the Rapeseed Plant, which is part of the mustard family of plants. According to AgriAlternatives, The Online Innovation, and Technology Magazine for Farmers, 'By nature, these rapeseed oils, which have long been used to produce oils for industrial purposes, are... toxic to humans and other animals.'
It is an industrial oil. It is not a food. Rape oil, it seems, causes emphysema, respiratory distress, anemia, constipation, irritability, and blindness in animals and humans.
There's more, but to conclude: rape oil was the source of the chemical warfare agent mustard gas, which was banned after blistering the lungs and skins of hundred of thousands of soldiers and civilians during W.W.I."
Whoa! Holy shit! We love the way the writer crammed in every scary word they could think of: rape, war, cancer, emphysema, respiratory distress, anemia, constipation, irritability, blindness, Canada.
Well to start, congratulations to the canola oil marketing people, who realized at some point that the oil from rapeseed--or Rape Oil--probably needed another name to succeed with housewives. Thus: Canola Oil.
"....Why don't we change the name?"
Probably our favorite part of this story is where they quote the magazine saying canola oils "are ... toxic to humans." We're thinking the words they omitted for the ellipses there were, "obviously" and "not."
The story goes on for much longer than our excerpt up there, and climaxes with this scene straight out of direct-to-DVD horror movie:
"My daughter and her girls were telling jokes. Stephanie hit her mom's arm with the back of a butter knife in a gesture, 'Oh mom' not hard enough to hurt. My daughters arm split open like it was rotten. She called me to ask what could have caused it. I said, 'I'll bet anything that you are using Canola oil'. Sure enough, there was a big gallon jug in the pantry."
Another canola-related death.
Damn! You'd think we would have heard about something like that! Unless it's just the rantings of an anonymous crazy person!
Fortunately, not only is this not true, but canola oil is healthier than most other cooking oils. This will not help you if your arm ever "splits open like it is rotten." In that case you likely have that flesh-eating bacteria and you might as well eat whatever the hell you want.
Check out Dan O'Brien's latest column, where he shows you Why You Don't Steal from Cracked. Or,if you're tired of reading, and just want to watch Sarah Palin get interviewed while a turkey is slaughtered by a mad man, check out our Top Picks, where we bring you the best links from around the web and The Mirth Canal.