6 Ways World of Warcraft is Worse Than Real Life

#3. A Whole Lot of Play Time is Spent Doing Things That Have Nothing to do With the Game

You would think that with raiding and guild duties and farming WoW players would be happy to have a free hour to sleep or possibly shower. Some manage to scrape the time together, but others take that free time as a challenge.

So, you wind up with activities like group dancing. In WoW, every player can dance, via the /dance command, and every race has a unique dance (male blood elves do the Napoleon Dynamite dance for example).

Druids can shapeshift, and their shapeshifted animal forms all have their own dances. Get a few dancing bears together, and everybody joins in, often leading to spontaneous dancing bear parades through the streets of a city, or massive dancing bear circles. Seriously.

Others spend time--a lot of time--coordinating group pictures, such as this masterpiece:

If you're not sure what you're looking at there, 25 or so players gathered around this shaft of light, summoned "mounts" (flying creatures) to fly to various heights, then all jumped off simultaneously so they could take this snapshot of them suspended in the beam, a split second before they all plummeted into a broken pile on the ground.

If that's not your thing, you can get a pet. Sure, WoW has companion creatures that will help you in combat and such, but others... they're just there.


"Stay. Good. This is a fun video game."

Some are bought, others can only be won by buying packs of the accompanying WoW trading card game until you get an extra rare card that gives you an in-game code for the pet. Some can only be obtained from attending the yearly WoW convention in Southern California.

And they're worth a lot of money. Not WoW gold, either. Real money.

These pets don't even have the interactivity of Nintendogs or Tamagotchis. They follow you around. They occasionally make noises. That's it. You can't pet them or feed them or tell them to do anything. But god damn will your guildmates be jealous when you show them what you did with your $750.

#2. You Have to Learn a New (Retarded) Language

How many bits of jargon can a single game create in just a few years of existence? Well this site lists over a thousand bits of terminology and slang specific to WoW. Some interesting (and telling) examples:

Bio break: Apparently it is rude to say "pee", and "restroom" is too long to type, because when WoW players need to take 30 seconds to dash to the toilet and empty their bladders, they say "Bio", or if they hope to sneak one in while other people are talking or getting ready, "Ninja bio". As in, "biology has interrupted my game, and I must tend to it."


Ninja Bio Receptacle.

RL: "Real life". It seems kind of depressing that you need a qualifying term to point out when you're talking about real life. Especially when that the term is most used as a negative competing priority. "I'm sorry I couldn't make the raid tonight, RL got in the way."

Wife/Girlfriend Aggro: "Aggro" is itself a game term, used on boss fights (when you're getting "aggro" from the bad guy it means he's focused on attacking you).

Hard as it may be to believe, sometimes a WoW player may have a significant other who does not play WoW. Sometimes this person (usually female in these cases) tends to be a crazy, unreasonable harpy who wants their husband/boyfriend to spend time with them sometimes instead of going on WoW raids all night.


"Sorry, guys, my girlfriend's being unreasonable again."

When these demands become extreme, sometimes the raider will joke to his fellow raiders that he has "pulled wife aggro" and has to go appease that crazy broad.

#1. The WoW World is Plagued by Sexual Deviants

Like any online community, WoW has its share of perverts. One particularly odd manifestation of this is people approaching Night Elf female characters--that's these things:

...and offering WoW gold to take off their clothes and dance. Why they can't make their own Night Elf female character, take off its clothes, and dance, is going to have to remain between them and God because we don't really want to know.

Incredibly, WoW's programmers didn't seem to anticipate any of this and so the game doesn't give players a lot of ability to perform any sexual actions. But horny people with lots of spare time can get pretty creative.


Apparently male night elves have two penises.

Then there's the Deeprun Tram, an automated tram running between two major WoW cities, which has gained a reputation as a place for perverts to secretly have cyber sex (and sometimes they get caught, as relayed in this infamous tale).

Probably the most famous WoW pervert went by the character name "Bronze Mustache". Whether this is some kind of porn reference or not, we don't know, as we don't really know much about the intricacies of the Chinese language.


Googling "Bronze Mustache" is much safer than "World of Warcraft Sex Pervert."

This WoW soap opera carried out among some Chinese players is pretty long and convoluted, but the basics are that "Bronze Mustache" stole another guy's wife, "Quiet Moon", and the Chinese WoW community became so upset over it that there were mass server-crashing protests eventually culminating in a mass in-game suicide:

Their sordid tale is recounted here, including original posts from the aggrieved husband and international newspaper accounts. Sample chat log:

Finally there's this thoughtful blog post and discussion about in-game sex that offers some insights possibly better left unexplored. From the comments:

"On my server in particular we had a swingers guild, where the players would meet with each other IRL, slam it, and then return to their regularly scheduled lives. There were women characters, played by women , that were known to be cyberers. I had more than one girl actually want to call me up and have phone sex. More than one naked photo sent to me.

So what am I trying to say? Through it all, MMO's are sometimes a very clear mirror of Real life."

Right.

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