The 5 Most Retarded Causes People Are Actually Fighting For

Sometimes, lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for. Hunger, war, disease, they'll always be with us, but caring souls will always fight to raise awareness about these issues.

Others, however, have a different idea. These brave types have latched onto other lost causes. Ones that, quite frankly, deserve to be lost. Such as:

#5. Lobster Empathy

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) want to buy a retired Maine jail for two hundred thousand dollars to set up a "Lobster Empathy Center," a place where the plight of scrumptious seafood can be likened to a heavy-handed and inaccurate metaphor.

PETA's rationale was "No building would be more appropriate than a jail to set up an interactive display about how these intriguing animals suffer."

Yes, in a world where there are still children with no address other than "whichever bridge Bob the Rapist isn't sleeping under tonight," PETA decides the best use for a building specifically designed to house large numbers of people is to campaign for the imaginary rights of animals with nervous systems so primitive they can survive for several minutes after being cut in half.


This lobster is too stupid to realize how ridiculous it looks.

A couple of hints, PETA:

1) These publicity stunts always end up with you looking retarded. Haven't you noticed this?

2) Except the ones that get Naomi Campbell naked, those ones are fine.

3) You may have better luck campaigning on behalf of less delicious animals.

4) Natalie Portman is very popular. Just a thought.


"I want to take my clothes off for lobsters."

Seriously, what could be more pointless than this?

#4. A Bill of Rights for Plants

Oh, right.

In what we can only assume is a brave attempt to starve sanctimonious vegans to death, the Swiss government's "Federal Ethics Committee on Non-Human Biotechnology" has issued a document outlining the ethical treatment of plants, apparently with an eye toward getting it placed into law.

Which means that, as well as making sure your date consents, you now have to ask permission of the roses you bring. Though the document generously allows that "any action with or towards plants that serves the self-preservation of humans [is] morally justified." So if you ever find yourself locked in a life-or-death struggle with a Triffid feel free to fight back without fear of a stern letter with a Swiss postmark.

#3. Livejournal User Rights

Back in March of 2008, Livejournal users rallied to the cry for a boycott of the service because they weren't consulted about some changes to the site. It's true, Facebook doesn't have a monopoly on huge community overreaction to minor changes.

A Google search reveals over fourteen thousand posts about the Livejournal boycott (taking 'lj' and the fact many users can't spell boycott into account) - and while Livejournal claims a population twice that of Switzerland (albeit a much more emo and Naruto-obsessed population than Switzerland could ever dream of), only about a hundred and forty thousand update daily. So this boycott stood to deliver a significant blow. But did it?

Hmmm... you know, we may have spotted the flaw in the cunning plan of posting on Livejournal about a boycott on Livejournal posting. And in true internet fashion, fully half of the strike posts were calling the strikers fags, another quarter were "I support them but won't do it myself," and we're sure at least four entries were slash porn on the subject.

The most serious effects of the strike were summarized by one user, who commented "it was so weird reading some good fanfic but not able to comment."

Changing the world isn't easy, dude.

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