5 Jobs You Wanted as a Kid (And Why They Suck)
Every Saturday we have some of our favorite writers from around the web fill in for us. They get the opportunity to be insulted in the comment section and we get to push the neighborhood kids into leaf piles. Today's post comes from Zach Oberman, the man behind Underpants on the Outside which is about superheroes, not fashion.
For some reason, we expect our children to be able to answer the question: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Some responses are downright idiotic (I wanna be a dinosaur) but for the most part, kids tend to choose the last person they saw in a uniform.
Unfortunately, no one is explaining to our children that there are reasons most people don't stick with the careers that sound so awesome in kindergarten.
#5.
Fireman
Why Kids Think It's Cool:
From a kid's perspective, being a fireman is awesome. You spend all your downtime hanging out in a clubhouse with your friends and a Dalmatian. To go to the first floor everyone slides down a pole. And if that's how they go downstairs, imagine what else firemen get to do! They probably take baths on a water slide! When you factor in the occasional siren, a fire station is only a ball pit away from being a Chuck E. Cheese.
Also, you get to play with the most powerful squirt gun on the planet, which never needs to be refilled. Once the fire's out, all that's left is for you to take pictures with your shirt off, like the ones on Mommy's calendar that make her breathe funny. (Because no childhood fantasy would be complete without some uncomfortable Oedipal implications.)
Why the Job Actually Sucks:
To adults, the idea of wrapping yourself in asbestos and running into a fire with an axe is freakin' INSANE. But there's no point in explaining that to a child. Kids think danger is awesome - it's what makes childhood pastimes like "Hot Potato: M-80 Edition" so popular.
One thing kids absolutely hate though is being bored. Sixty or seventy years ago, when houses were built out of dry leaves and matchsticks, fireman had plenty to do. But now everything's made of flame-retardant materials. These days, being a fireman means a whole lot of sitting around waiting for something to happen. When there is a fire alarm, it's usually some stoner burning toast.
And while firemen may be surrounded by the coolest toys around, what good are they? Sure, you can drive a big red truck, but if you drive it fast, people yell at you. If you use it to play Bumper Cars, people yell at you. And if you use the gigantic water gun to spray your friends, people yell at you (that goes quadruple if some of your friends happen to be African-American). Basically, you sit around, bored, surrounded by toys you can't play with or else you'll get yelled at. Being a fireman is like being in Time Out for a living.
Oh yeah - you also can't play with fireworks ever again. In fact, if you see people playing with fireworks, you have to put them out. Happy Fourth of July, kids!
#4.
Princess
Why Kids Think It's Cool:
According to our six-year-old niece: "You get to wear pretty dresses and you get to ride ponies and everyone calls you "Your Highness" and you get to eat cake all the time and you get to live in a castle where no one ever tells you to make your bed and you get to marry a handsome prince and did we mention the ponies?" (This is where we became too engrossed in pouring a scotch and soda to continue listening.)
The pony is also a princess.
Why the Job Actually Sucks:
As we explained to our niece, she's correct about almost everything, right up until that part about the handsome prince. It's much more likely that she'll have to marry her cousin - the one you guys see at the lake every summer who picks his nose. If she doesn't like it, too bad, them's the rules, and no amount of preventative cootie measures are going to make the process any easier. In fact, cooties might be the least of her worries, because cooties won't be the reason her children end up like Charles II of Spain, who was so retarded he couldn't chew his own food. That sort of thing comes from "homozygosity." (You'll probably want to spell that for her.)
But hey - you take the bad with the good, right? PONIES!!!
#3.
Policeman
Why Kids Think It's Cool:
If you have to ask, there is something wrong with you. Let us put it this way: OHMYGODYOUGETTOCARRYAGUN. Kids think that guns are the coolest thing ever. When you have a gun it means that you don't have to clean your room until you're goddamn good and ready, and anyone will trade you their Hostess cupcake for your carrots.
As for the job itself, that seems pretty cool too, when you keep in mind that a five-year-old doesn't have such a solid grasp of the American judicial system. As far as they can tell, cops arrest people who piss them off, which is appealing, because kids tend to have a lot of grudges. Maybe a couple years of solitary confinement will make Sally Johnson rethink not inviting you to her birthday party.
Why the Job Actually Sucks:
It's the first rule of the playground: No one likes a tattletale. While an adult might be able to understand a policeman's function as a pillar of society, kids need to know that to be a cop is to be the world's hall monitor. Which means no one will want to hang out with you, Captain Buzzkill. When you come around, everyone will stop playing their games (such as, "Hide and Seek in the back seat of my car in exchange for fifty dollars") and then put away their coolest toys, like that six-foot pipe that Daddy smokes for his asthma.
"Stop having fun, right now!"
Worst of all, everyone will call you "Narc," which is the way adults say "Teacher's Pet."
Soo, being an astronaut sucks compared to what? I mean it's always a good idea to perceive through comparison, right? I'd assume it sucks compared to being a website writer? Nah, you know, I'd still choose mankind's Final frikking Frontier any given day!
ReplyAlso, astronauts have to deal with muscle atrophy in space and the fact that they may need to be retaught how to walk.
ReplyI wanted to be a marine biologist or a vet. I'm studying for a BSc in BIology, concentrating in Biotech. Not too far off. Mostly switched because I realised that the ocean is terrifying.
ReplyWell, I wanted to be an opera singer. But that's just me, I guess XD
Reply"According to our six-year-old niece..." So, the entire cracked staff is one collective family? o.O
ReplyOMIGAWDADOPTME
I wanted to be an archeologist when I was a kid. But my dad told me I would never be able to because I was terrible at math. Thanks, Dad.
ReplyWhat happened to teacher, doctor, and veterinarian? It seemed all my friends either wanted to be teachers, doctors, or veterinarians. I think this article was horribly one-sided towards what boys wanted to grow up to be (I've never heard a little girl want to be a fireman, police officer, or pilot). Couldn't the writer go down the hall and ask his female coworkers what they wanted to be when they grew up?
ReplyOh, shut up. It's Cracked.
As far as I can remember, I wanted to be a scientist. And I am going to do my best to become one.
ReplyIn regards to number five it really is a kids dream come true. A bunch of teenage boys in a town where I live joined the volunteer fire department. Then they went around setting fire all the time and putting them out. They said they did because they could go fast and run people off the road.
ReplyActually, a lot of pilots do sleep or watch movies on their laptops while flying. Doesn't that make you feel safe?
ReplyI've flown planes before, and it's really not labor-intensive at all. You'd think of it like driving, since that's all you can compare it to from your personal experiences, but it really requires little effort and concentration on your part. Most of it is just watching the instruments and making sure that the auto-pilot is doing it's job. The only time that you really have to focus is during takeoff, landing, and the occasional bout of turbulence if you hit an updraft of warm air or something. Even then, it basically flies itself with only minor input from the pilot.
Thank Christ, I wouldn't want a bored out of his skull about-to-go-postal pilot on my flight.
Someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. With no hesitation: "Tall." I am now 6 foot 3. Or something like that. Maybe more; I don't go to the doctor often...
ReplyI wanted to write for a comedy site when I was a kid... I'm still waiting to get the email inviting me to the writer's workshop
ReplySo princess is off the table, but can I still be the pony?
ReplyIf you like snotty-nosed squealing little kids trying to climb on you, then sounds great
"Kids think that guns are the coolest thing ever"
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesNot in the sane parts of the world they don't... You men need to know that in most of the developed world, police officers (policeman is a term that hasn't been used outside the USA since the 1960s) don't carry guns.
Well in denmark they DO carry them but from what i know dont use them... however better safe than sorry right?
Policeman is still used over here (UK). Its not the official term (you should see Hot Fuzz if you haven't) but its still very common. Also, German police carry guns.
fyi buzzkill the police carry guns in the USA as well
A wild feminist appears!
Using the word "retarded" to refer to a disabled person is pathetic. I refused to read any more after that! Eurgh! Not cool man!
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesGasp! Somebody actually used the term in a literal sense, rather than as a crude isult! That is so not cool!
No guys bricklites right, he should have used the correct term 'Monkeybrained'
Bricklite, you're absolutely correct, good on you! Vicky
The verb "to retard" means to slow down. So literally, the adjective "retarded" means "slowed down". It can literally describe someone who is either brain-damaged, or a bit thick.
But he actually was retarded. It literally means slowed down or late. So Charlie the Second would've had the mental age of a little kid as an adult.
No one cares and your plight is pointless. Have a good day.
Nah, I'd still be cool being a cop; cops get to...
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesok, actually I'm not even going to get into it, cause I could go on for days about our system or why the idea of giving power over others to random people and telling everyone "these guys are the bosses, do what they say." is a f*****g ridiculous idea that I'm pretty sure one of those severely retarded princes came up with.
So maybe I'd like to be a cop; I don't like bossing people around that much, or being a general piece of s**t, but not all cops are worthless f*****g piles of dog shit. Just a good number of them do, and they're usually such unbelievable cocksuckers that they more than make up for the others who aren't. Of course most times someone who acted like cops do would get their faces beaten in (ya know, at times like when they spray a bunch of bound people in the face with pepper spray [and only get in trouble cause people had cameras]) but since they're cops and are better than us we have to be scared of em, which is why they become cops in the first place. They're fucks who want to bully other people around, and have no other way to exercise their pitiful egos than to have someone else hand them power they never earned and don't deserve. Yeah, they're supposed to follow rules and guidelines, but everybody knows full well that if a cop feels like doing something, they'll do it, and as long as they're even a little careful and avoid any cameras, cops' worst enemies, they'll get away with it too. Hey, if I had a kid that became a police officer I could make anything short of murder just kind of disappear too, so I wouldn't discourage em.
So then the example would be a little more like if you were a hall monitor who got to do basically whatever you wanted and as long as you didn't leave behind any blatant evidence, got to tell all the other kids what to do/they'd all be scared of you (and if they really made you angry you could pinch them or hit them and just tell the teacher "They started it!" and she'd automatically believe you and you'd get away with it, or if she didn't believe you right away your other monitor friends could just lie for you), you'd get candy and other payment from the teacher that often times came from the other kids when they had candy, and if you were feeling really daring could tell kids who were doing something wrong "I won't tell the teacher if you give me half of your gummy treats". Plus you'd get to do this as long as you wanted, just so long as you didn't do anything so bad that enough kids could get together and tell the teacher "We're going to go to our parents and tell them what you're letting the hall monitors get away with unless you do something about them.", since in that case the teacher would be able to get in trouble and would have to stop ignoring all the bad things you do. But other than that, you could feel free to do whatever you wanted!
That would be more like it. And I feel like that would be pretty ok for most kids, especially for lowlife worthless psychopathic bullies looking for a means to get away with the bad stuff they do AND exert power kids who would normally just kick their ass. A little like cops in real life.
Totally couldn't be bothered to read the whole thing, but you sound baked as hell based on the first paragraph :).
'ok, actually I'm not even going to get into it'
Well you failed there
Most of a cop's job is listening to people's bullshit all day, "He stole my stuff!" "She slept with my best friend!" I don't want that job.
When was the last time a person of royalty had to marry their cousin. Recently the prince married some random chick(I don't know much about the royal family) but I know they have free reign now to marry whoever they please. And it's not their cousin anymore. So technically being a princess probably is still awesome to want to be.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThe "being chased around by the paparattzi until you effing drive into a wall" bit kinda sucks though.
Also the fact that there's a lot more to it than just ponies (do they even ride ponies? Why would they not ride horses? In fact, why are most little girls obsessed with ponies anyway?)
Why are tonnes of adult men obsessed with ponies? Oh right, Aspergers!
- Come one vote down you brony fucks!
This is why I became a financial manager. If you've got enough money, there are adult fantasy camps that let you do all the fun stuff you wanted to do as a kid. They say money can't buy happiness. I call BS.
ReplyI'll admit there are some BS jobs I did that I even said were BS, but "financial manager" is another word for "I can't balance my own books"....no thank you, I did well in my gen-ed in college not to pay one of you fuckers.
I had a forest full of hippie girls who liked nothing better than to get toasted and have some free lovin'. You can keep your adult fantasy camp, I had a teenage one, back when I was fit and energetic enough to appreciate it. And I never had to pay a cent for admission.
The steps at the end are pure gold.
ReplyI wanted to be a Jedi Knight because really loved the lightsabers (still do). Now I'm an optical engineering student... seems like I didn't sway off too far.
ReplyYeah, because, you know, all the engineering that Yoda did. Sounds like you are, in fact, way off.
^At least it's a more honest admission and realization of personal goals than "financial manager".