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9 Innocent Google Searches That Get Porn On the First Page

#4.
"Woah"

Safe Filter On:

So you try a nonsense word like "woah" and what do you get? Bunch of pictures of Keanu Reeves, right?

How about boobies, in the very first image on safe search. Huge, cartoon, barely covered boobies. Oh, and the lady has a red scarf in her mouth for some reason.

The second result is one of those classic internet "WTF" pictures that in fact did make us say, "woah." Good work, Google.

Filter Off:

Give us a moment here, while we go gouge out our eyes and move to a monastery. And not because of the guy swinging his dick in our faces on the very first result, though that certainly didn't help. No, it's the woman on the second result. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING ON HER LAP?

It's like some skinless slimy alien probe oozing up to put the moves on her.

So to recap, the first four images for "woah" are:

Man swinging cock at camera;
Woman fucking slime alien;
Huge-titted cartoon puking a scarf;
Dudes torturing an alien in a shower.

As of now we are having serious doubts about this project. Let's take this as far in the other direction as possible. Let's try...

#3.
"Inspector Gadget"

Safe Filter On:

For once, the result turns up exactly what we were expecting: pictures of Inspector Gadget. Even better, most are of the cartoon version that entertained many kids in the 80s and had Gadget voiced by Don Adams, rather than the shitty movie with Matthew Broderick.

We were delighted to think back to a simpler time, when we didn't have all these adult worries like paying our bills by searching for Inspector Gadget porn for Cracked.

Should be no problem to turn the filter off...

Filter Off:

Ah, nothing to see here. Same lineup of images. Only... they seem to be offset by one, as if one extra image has entered the lineup. Let's look down at the end of the second row...

Oh, holy shit. That would appear to be Inspector Gadget fucking his little girl Penny.

Wow. Cartoon porn, incest, pedophilia, it's the Dateline: To Catch A Predator trifecta. DAMN YOU, GOOGLE!

All right. We're going all the way. Let's try "Lord."

#2.
"Lord"

Safe Filter On:

Jesus Christ! That's what Google suggests we should be looking for in its related searches. When Google is telling you that you need to find Jesus that's a pretty good sign that this search may send you straight to hell.

Otherwise the geeks dominate this page with Lord of the Rings results taking up several spots, and Lord Kelvin near the top. This not only isn't porn, we're firmly in realm of the virgins. Seems like we're out of the disturbing porn woods, guys!

Filter Off:

Apparently the movie poster for Lord of War was too provocative for the safe search... wait, what's that down there in the second row?

Woah! We have a gay bondage porn emergency here!

Yes, on the sixth freaking result for "Lord," the internet presents us the DVD cover for Lord of Milking. And it ain't about cows.

Lord and Lady Kelvin don't seem phased by this. Though, up close, the Lord's eyes appear to be closed.

In disapproval? Or ecstasy?
#1.
"Nuns"

Safe Filter On:

Come on, internet! It's nuns! But even with the safe search on, what do we get?

Five nuns, ten ass cheeks and one trip straight to hell. While we knew Catholic schools played a large role in the fantasies of males of all ages, it usually involved plaid schoolgirl outfits, not nuns. Right?

Wrong. If you were actually searching for a picture of the stern, 200-year old nun we used to censor these images, you'll need to find another search term, because this safe search returns nothing of the kind.

Nuns having fun, nuns with buns, nuns with runs (in their panty hose) and nuns with big 'uns.

Filter Off:

Of all the searches, this is the one that returns the skankiest picture? "Nuns"?

Sure enough, the tenth result is a nun straddling a guy in reverse cowgirl while blowing another dude. Let us stop the article one last time and remind you we didn't search for "naked nuns" or "sexy nuns" or "nun cowgirl + blowjob." Just "nuns."

It's not just one pic, either. We also have two nuns in a field enjoying each other's God given body, and another of a nun painting a naked dude (perhaps just moments before naked cowgirl blowjob action ensues).

Oddly, only with the filter off did we find the stern nun we ended up using to censor all these images. Bloody wrists with ruler indentations await us if we don't close the browser right freaking now.

Want more NSFW goodness? Then check out “I Have Brain Cancer”: 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn. Or check out The 15 Worst Porno Ideas Possible.

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